EVERYTIME I THINK ITS UNDER CONTROL

[smsimpson11]

I HAVE ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF ON MY EMOTIONAL CONTROL, IT HAS MADE ME A STRONG PERSON IT HAS GOTTEN ME FAR IN MY CAREER IN A BUSINESS FULL OF MEN. HOWEVER WHEN I LOST MY MOTHER, ONE OF THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD CONSOLE ME EMOTIONALY, I HAVE FOUND MYSELF VERY LOST AND NUMB. I KNOW THE FEELING ARE SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL I HAVE HEARD IT A HUNDRED TIMES, THE STAGES OF GREIF, THE I AM SORRIES, THE IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO'S. I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE, MY MOTHER PASSED IN DEC ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND ONCE IN A WHILE I WILL FEEL LIKE OK, I GOT THIS I CAN CONTROL THESE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS AND THEN ONE TRIGGER SETS ME OFF AGAIN. THIS WEEKEND MY SISTER CALLED ME CRYING, A COUPLE OF MY AUNTS SHOWED UP AND HELPED HER PLANT MY MOMS GARDENS, FOR SOME OF THEM IT WAS THERE FIRST TIME BACK TO THE HOUSE AND OF COURSE THEY WERE UPSET WHICH UPSET MY SISTER. I DONT LIVE THERE SO SOMETIMES I FEEL HELPLESS LIKE I SHOULD BE THERE. ON THE FLIP SIDE, AND I KNOW THIS SOUNDS HORRIBLE I CAN HARDLY STAND TO TALK TO ANY MEMBER OF MY FAMILY, I CANT STAND THE HEART ACHE THAT GOES ALONG WITH THE ACKWARD CONVERSATIONS, I REALIZE THEY ARE CALLING TO CHECK ON ME BUT WHAT DO YOU SAY, THEY CANT BRING HER BACK, THEY CANT ERASE THAT HORRIBLE TRAGIC NIGHT WHEN I WATCHED MY MOTHER STRUGGLE TO BREATH HER LUNGS DROWNING HANGING ON UNTIL I SAID LET GO. I CAN STILL HEAR THE ZIP OF THE BODY BAG AS CLEAR AS THE MOMENT THEY DID IT, THERE WILL NEVER BE A MORE AWFUL SOUND ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH. I SHOULD NOT SAY I AM NUMB I DO FEEL SOME THINGS, ANGER, JELOUSY AND HELPLESS, THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD FOR A CONTROL FREAK HAS GOT TO BE HELPLESSNESS. I HAVE TO GO BACK IN JUNE FOR A GRADUATION FOR MY SECOND COUSIN, I FEEL A LITTLE BIT OF A SINKING FEELING IN MY STOMACH TO RETURN I CANT STAND THE THOUGHT OF BEING TREATED WITH KID GLOVES BY SOME AND THEN THOSE WHO WANT TO REMINCE ABOUT THE GOOD DAYS MY MOM HAD. I DONT KNOW ANYMORE, I AM THOWING CRAP OUT THERE THAT FLOATS IN MY HEAD THAT I CANT SAY TO ANYONE ELSE, ON THIS SITE AT LEAST I CAN JUST SPLIT IT OUT WEATHER IT MAKES SENSE OR NOT AND NOT GET PHYCO ANAYLISED ABOUT EVERYTHING.

[Kwilliams161]

Shannon,

I lost my father on Oct 15th, 2011. I haven't even processed the fact that he is no longer here. I am 22 and I have a 2 y/o and a 1 y/o. He was in the hospital for 5 months and they FINALLY diagnosed him on Sept 17th, 2011 with pancreatic cancer and they told us that day he only had 2 weeks at the most to live. How on earth do you even process that?? We spent just shy of 3 weeks together by God's grace and when he passed I felt as though i had to step up to support my mom and my siblings.It has been 7 months and I havent even touched the surface with grieving. I refuse 95% of the time to go to his gravsite because going there makes it REAL and that is something i don't think i could even begin to handle! I feel so lost without him, like i have nowhere to turn. My husband doesn't understand the loss in my life and i feel like i take it out on him sometimes.

I hope that you will be able to find strength within your heart to go visit your family. I have been holding in my anger and emotions but i'm scared what the pieces of my puzzle will look like when i finally hit my breaking point. When do you leave to go make the visit for graduation?

[smsimpson11]

Hey

Kristyn, thanks for responding, we are alot alike pushing our feeling down to help others that cant. We just keep packing farther and farther and sooner or later it will explode, propably on the wrong person. My husband cannot even comprehend what this is like, he has both his parents who are very involved with his life and i envy him that. I am a contol freak with no control and it drives me mad.

i installed a punching bag down stairs, bought myself a pair of gloves and wail on that thing until i cant move or start crying, of course i have not shared that with anyone i dont see the point, they cant fix it and i am not a talker, i tend to have more pysical responses the bag does me some good on my really bad days. Im returning home the end of june and cant help but feeling im in the middle of science project being watched by all either waiting for me to explode or break, maybe even wondering if i ever will, showing concern in there own ways which just makes it worse, because my aunts and my grandmother all look alike and act alike its hard to see and hear them interact with there own children, my cousins. It almost makes me jelouse, even though i would have sacrificed one of them for my mom. I dont know, i guess its mostly in my head but its nice to get it out in writing.

Shannon,

I lost my father on Oct 15th, 2011. I haven't even processed the fact that he is no longer here. I am 22 and I have a 2 y/o and a 1 y/o. He was in the hospital for 5 months and they FINALLY diagnosed him on Sept 17th, 2011 with pancreatic cancer and they told us that day he only had 2 weeks at the most to live. How on earth do you even process that?? We spent just shy of 3 weeks together by God's grace and when he passed I felt as though i had to step up to support my mom and my siblings.It has been 7 months and I havent even touched the surface with grieving. I refuse 95% of the time to go to his gravsite because going there makes it REAL and that is something i don't think i could even begin to handle! I feel so lost without him, like i have nowhere to turn. My husband doesn't understand the loss in my life and i feel like i take it out on him sometimes.

I hope that you will be able to find strength within your heart to go visit your family. I have been holding in my anger and emotions but i'm scared what the pieces of my puzzle will look like when i finally hit my breaking point. When do you leave to go make the visit for graduation?