Unexpected grief flare-up

[pleiades]

Hello, this is my first post here actually. I had felt really conflicted to talk about this, but I kind of am at my wits end, and I think I need advice.

My mother passed away five years ago, when I was 26. She had uterine cancer, and went through treatment and remission and diagnosis for five years prior to her death.

I know people deal with grief differently. Maybe I was the kind of person who was in heavy denial (I speak in past tense, but I know I am currently like this, too). I felt like even thinking about it was too sad to face, and if I really face it head on, I would break down and be out of commission in my life. So, I felt like...okay, I am going to just keep busy and pretend that my mom isn't really gone, she is just displaced. My grief flare ups manifest themselves in ways like, maybe my dad would move something of my mom's and I would freak out, saying "How could you, you know she doesn't like it when we move x". Or talk about something normal, and then start crying all of a sudden. Recently, it has been better up until the situation below.

My fiance's father just passed away. He died of liver cancer, and it was very sudden (two months after diagnosis, he passed). I see my fiance's grief. I can logically understand his pain and all the things he is going through, I recognize as things I felt. I don't pretend that I know exactly what he feels, but I sympathize greatly.

I think to myself that during this time, it is important to be selfless and really care and be supportive of him. After all, we do things and say things during grief that we wouldn't normally do or say. He is really feeling guilty right now, not spending enough time with his dad in the past. And, I think he is taking things out on me, but I am not holding it against him because these are not normal circumstances.

But, this is having an unintended side effect. Basically, I feel like the band aid that was placed on the gaping whole of the loss of my mom has been ripped open again. And, I am starting to feel like how I did right after she died. After his dad's funeral, I couldn't stop crying. I hadn't realized why, but now I feel like I know. I was being reminded of my mom and her funeral. The worse is, I feel so alone. But, I cannot talk to my fiance because this is his grieving time, and I really don't want to make it worse.

I feel so very selfish for making it about MY pain when I know that my fiance is going through something really hard. I want to be a good, supportive person, but I feel really depressed now. I don't know what to do.

So, if you guys have any advice or anything, that would be greatly appreciated!

[ModKonnie]

Hi,

First off, I'd like to say I am very sorry about the losses in your life. Perhaps, you can take a step forward and share with your fiance how his loss has stirred up emotions and feelings that you never dealt with properly. Maybe you both can work together and talk about all of this.

I know that when someone I know suffers a loss, I relive the experience of my own losses. I think we all do that. However, since you didn't process your mother's death entirely, you are probably experiencing some really strong ups and downs and turmoil. Sharing this information with your fiance may be a way to release some pent up emotions and let them go.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie