Honest answers please

[Adriennelc]

I am clearing out my husbands office and tidying up his affairs.   His family have been horrendous towards me from a day after his death onwards.  All started with a bunch of lies being told by his daughter.
I have put documents ,medals  and photos into a box and want to send them to her as I feel it would be cruel not too.  We have not spoken since Ken's death - her choice.
Am I right to do this?

[WithoutHer]

@Adriennelc I think regardless of the family situation that would be a very considerate thing to do. I can't relate to the situation but I know many here can relate from all the reading I've done. I would include a thoughtful note saying being these things were her father's you thought it was most appropriate that she should have them. 

[KayC]

IMO you are taking the upper road and being very considerate!  Bless you!

[Roxeanne]

You are really a good person, i hope she will be able to appreciate your action...hope she also change her mind about you!

[shawnt]

It is always better to take the high road. Makes it so much easier to look yourself in the mirror.

[DWS]

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such a strained and difficult situation with your husband's daughter but yes, I think you are doing the right thing. This selfless act on your part will hopefully will bring some comfort to her grief. It's also something that embraces your bond with your husband. 

This is a bit similar to something my sisters and I experienced after the death of our uncle a few years ago. He was my dad's younger brother and lived a fairly quiet and reclusive life in the same city as us. He would reluctantly come to holiday family dinners after my dad's phone calls to invite him.  In his later years, a high school sweetheart of his came back into his life after her husband died. She moved in and they lived together for the last dozen years or so of my uncle's life. She inherited his entire estate upon his death at age 87 and then, sadly, died only a year later.

To make a long story short, because she didn't have children of her own, all of the wealth and possessions went to her niece. This didn't stir much bitterness in our family but months after at a dinner discussion, we did wonder what the niece did with the boxes of photos that my uncle would have accumulated over his lifetime. There is a lot of our family history there that I know I would love to have as he was the last of my dad's siblings. It's now been years since he died. We never had any way of contacting her. Did she just end up throwing away all of his photos? Why didn't she make an effort in getting them to us?

[JonathanFive]

I wouldn't do anything I might regret, and there is no rush...

Wish I could tell a couple of stories right now about what happened with his family after my spouse passed - but I am working rn, and I don't have much time to type.  

[Adriennelc]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with such a strained and difficult situation with your husband's daughter but yes, I think you are doing the right thing. This selfless act on your part will hopefully will bring some comfort to her grief. It's also something that embraces your bond with your husband. 

This is a bit similar to something my sisters and I experienced after the death of our uncle a few years ago. He was my dad's younger brother and lived a fairly quiet and reclusive life in the same city as us. He would reluctantly come to holiday family dinners after my dad's phone calls to invite him.  In his later years, a high school sweetheart of his came back into his life after her husband died. She moved in and they lived together for the last dozen years or so of my uncle's life. She inherited his entire estate upon his death at age 87 and then, sadly, died only a year later.

To make a long story short, because she didn't have children of her own, all of the wealth and possessions went to her niece. This didn't stir much bitterness in our family but months after at a dinner discussion, we did wonder what the niece did with the boxes of photos that my uncle would have accumulated over his lifetime. There is a lot of our family history there that I know I would love to have as he was the last of my dad's siblings. It's now been years since he died. We never had any way of contacting her. Did she just end up throwing away all of his photos? Why didn't she make an effort in getting them to us?

That's exactly how I feel.  I have no right to deprive her of these things.

[I miss you so much]

Did your husband tell you that he wanted her daughter to have all these things? If the answer is "yes", send them. If not, I would keep them.

I  had to face a daughter (his)  that appeared only to take the advantage of the dead of my partner. We weren't married, unfortunately. We weren't "protected". So she didn't care at all about him for years and just made a show of lies for others about being the "so beloved daughter" when my partner was too ill and with morphine drugs.

My partner was renting a flat for sick people and I couldn't be on the rental contract. So the day he died, she came with the landlord to make me quit the apartment. I had never imagined something like that could happen and I was in shock with my partner's dead some hours before to call the police.   She and her family took everything they wanted from that apartment. She had gave nothing for his father (just a magnet for the fridge from her previous holidays)

So, considering the nightmare my partner and I had to live, I have no kind thoughts for any  "liar daughter" from a previous relationship.

From my point of view, if your husband wanted her to have all  these things, to honour his memory, send them to her. If he said nothing, keep them and bye bye step-daughter.

[widower2]

On 3/12/2024 at 10:07 AM, Adriennelc said:

That's exactly how I feel.  I have no right to deprive her of these things.

And what right does she have to treat you like dirt?  Besides, how do you know if they really mean much to her anyway? She doesn't exactly strike me as the most caring/sensitive person in the world.

I agree with the above post and would at least hold onto them for the time being. If it never comes up, they must not be very important to her. Then maybe after a gap of time (say maybe 6-8 months), contact her and mention it (like "oh I found this box with his medals etc would you want them")....if she never answers, that in itself is an answer. Maybe they just aren't as meaningful to her as they are to you, so giving them to her wouldn't be as generous of a thing as one would think.

That all said, no one here can say what the "right" thing is to do, only you can. I'd go with what you feel makes the most sense taking everything into consideration.