A Year of Silence

[nessanova]

On June 14^th, 2011 I got the call saying my Dad died. A bit of background: my Dad got locked up 63 days before my 2nd birthday. I absolutely know what you’re thinking, because everyone says the same thing: “How could you guys possibly have been close?” “How could he have been any sort of Dad?” Blah… Blah… Blah… Throughout those fifteen years/180 months/780 weeks/5475 days he taught me every single thing a text book couldn’t. I didn’t need him sitting right there to know that he loved me, or for him to do a good job raising me. Every week I knew there was going to be a letter in my mailbox and a one hour phone call, of him spinning wisdom FAR beyond his years and telling me how proud of me he was and how much he loved me. He got released 63 days before my 17th birthday. Fifteen years exactly (as it turns out for a crime he didn’t actually do, but that’s a whole other story). After 46 beautiful days of freedom he literally dropped dead. He fought with everything he had for fifteen years to be free, to be here for me, to be with our family, and he didn’t even get two months with us. It all seemed even crazier because he worked out every single day and he was THIRTY FIVE. Let me repeat that, fit as a fiddle, THIRTY FIVE and dropped dead…? Nothing made any sense. All anyone could say to me was time heals all wounds, which is certified B.S. Every time I look in the mirror, every time I see a Pooh Bear (Pooh was his nickname), every time I see front teeth with a gap he flashes through my head. It’s been almost a year and up to this point I haven’t really talked about him/how I feel with many people. Everyone seems to think that because he was only physically with me for about two months at the end I’m not allowed to be sad or confused or lonely. Our bond was so far beyond anything else I’ve ever experienced, there weren’t all the hugs and kisses, no tear wiping, no discipline, just love… pure, unconditional love. I can only hope someday all this starts to make sense so I can move past this and be happy again.

[ModKonnie]

Vanessa,

Distance doesn't matter when we are talking about a loving father who cared and worked to keep his relationship with you. I work at a prison, and I know many parents work extra hard to make sure they keep up their relationships with their children.

I am so sorry about the loss of your father. We just never quite understand some things, do we? The first anniversary of a loss is always a tough one. It is going to certainly take time to process the entire experience of losing someone you absolutely unconditionally loved.

Have you thought about writing a journal? What about joining a grief and loss self help group?

We will be here to offer you support and encouragement. You can talk to us about him because we will listen.

ModKonnie