I can't forgive myself

[TommyC]

I lost my mom last week at the age of 93 due to heart failure.  Although she was nearly blind and body was becoming frail her mind was almost as sharp as ever.  She still enjoyed watching business news on cable TV.  Up until recently I had a hard time accepting that her death was a possibility.  We just pushed on as if everything was the same.

She recently moved (one month) from independent to assisted living.  This was hard decision for her because it was the first time she had give up any real control of things. The first two weeks went well, she liked her apartment, the attention from the staff, and the food.  Her biggest complaint was they gave her too much food.

About the third week things started to change,  she wanted the room temperature up to 80-85. From there she started complaining about having really  bad night sweats. I told her it was because the room was so warm and because she had two blankets on her.  From there she started sleeping on the couch, and complaining she was stiff and sore.  Her nose started running really bad for a few days, then it stopped. No matter what  I couldn't get her back into her bed.

The forth week things changed even more, she was eating less and less, and I didn't know until the end she wasn't drinking either. I thought she was just dehydrated from the room being so warm and that's why she couldn't eat. she also said the food tasted bad. Four days before she died she said  the nurse came to visit her because she threw up. She told them she didn't want to go to the hospital.  She let me know she didn't think much of the nurse either.  I found out after my mom died she told the staff she was experiencing the worst pain she's ever had in her chest.  All my mom told me was her arm and shoulder were sore, and she still didn't want to go.

The last time saw my mom, I changed her sheets and helped her into her bed for a nap. I finally convinced her to use her bed. We spoke a few minutes and I watched her fall asleep.  I waited a few minutes and I left. It was the last time I saw her and I never got to say goodbye.  She passed away the following evening.

I can't believe how god damn stupid I am for not being able to put together the signs of what was going on. I've run it threw my mind a million times and I should have know better.  I googled the signs of dying and they were all there and I missed it.  I should have been there for my mom when she needed me the most and I wasn't.  This is the most unforgivable thing a son can do.  I can accept the fact that I have my own special place in hell waiting for me.  

 

 

[Kelz jo]

Oh dear son, you were there for her! And that was a beautiful way to say goodbye without using the words…tucking her in at night. 
no one needs to say I love you right as a person dies to know it! It counts what has been done and said for years. And this isn’t your fault. Moms and Dads pass away and even to blame the staff won’t change life. Your life to move on and grow and continue to show love! She might be watching from time to time ya know. 
 

 No, the worst thing you could have done was murder her with your bare hands. This was not murder or neglect of leaving her in her home uncared and malnourished. Take heart in that she lived free for 93 years! And I am so sorry for the loss you have and as we all will if we outlive our parents. Why is it so hard when we understand this is the process of life? Idk and it doesn’t matter why just matters you hurt and to heal regret will stop healing. 
 

mom loves you and thanks you I’m very sure by how lovingly you miss her. 
take care and love who you are because of her. And she wouldn’t want to be the cause of your life stuck or your emotions and relationships altered negatively but to embrace love now more then ever including yourself! 

[KayC]

She died as she wanted to...NOT going to the hospital!  I'd want the same.  It didn't matter she didn't realize it, she made her own calls and they were honored.  We all die and I'm sorry you're taking this on, but you are not responsible for her death.  Write a letter to her and tell her how you feel.  Then write a letter back to yourself from her...what do you think she'd say?  I bet she'd tell you she loves you and you are not responsible for her death...things happened as they did.  

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[Traz]

On 12/19/2023 at 8:56 AM, TommyC said:

I lost my mom last week at the age of 93 due to heart failure.  Although she was nearly blind and body was becoming frail her mind was almost as sharp as ever.  She still enjoyed watching business news on cable TV.  Up until recently I had a hard time accepting that her death was a possibility.  We just pushed on as if everything was the same.

She recently moved (one month) from independent to assisted living.  This was hard decision for her because it was the first time she had give up any real control of things. The first two weeks went well, she liked her apartment, the attention from the staff, and the food.  Her biggest complaint was they gave her too much food.

About the third week things started to change,  she wanted the room temperature up to 80-85. From there she started complaining about having really  bad night sweats. I told her it was because the room was so warm and because she had two blankets on her.  From there she started sleeping on the couch, and complaining she was stiff and sore.  Her nose started running really bad for a few days, then it stopped. No matter what  I couldn't get her back into her bed.

The forth week things changed even more, she was eating less and less, and I didn't know until the end she wasn't drinking either. I thought she was just dehydrated from the room being so warm and that's why she couldn't eat. she also said the food tasted bad. Four days before she died she said  the nurse came to visit her because she threw up. She told them she didn't want to go to the hospital.  She let me know she didn't think much of the nurse either.  I found out after my mom died she told the staff she was experiencing the worst pain she's ever had in her chest.  All my mom told me was her arm and shoulder were sore, and she still didn't want to go.

The last time saw my mom, I changed her sheets and helped her into her bed for a nap. I finally convinced her to use her bed. We spoke a few minutes and I watched her fall asleep.  I waited a few minutes and I left. It was the last time I saw her and I never got to say goodbye.  She passed away the following evening.

I can't believe how god damn stupid I am for not being able to put together the signs of what was going on. I've run it threw my mind a million times and I should have know better.  I googled the signs of dying and they were all there and I missed it.  I should have been there for my mom when she needed me the most and I wasn't.  This is the most unforgivable thing a son can do.  I can accept the fact that I have my own special place in hell waiting for me.  

 

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Especially at this time of year. The guilt you feel is a very common reaction in the grief process. Your mom was 93 years old so there are bound to be aches and pains like that at her age. As well as being too hot or cold or practically anything else. The scenario you described is something I would not have thought twice about. Certainly not imminent death. You're not a doctor or a mind reader either. You did your best for your mom, with the knowledge you had at the time. 

All that matters is our intentions. And yours were good. So you can free yourself from the horrible burden of guilt. Look at all the people in nursing homes whose kids don't even come to visit them. You were there for her. It's unfortunate that you weren't there to say good bye but the reality is, a huge section of the population dies without relatives around them. My mom died without us being there and we visited her all week. Sometimes they wait until you're gone, because they want to spare you the pain. 

Our time here is predetermined and there's nothing that can be done to delay or stop it. I know it sounds simplistic and not very comforting to say it was her time, but in fact, it really was her time. 

You can free yourself from the notion of going to hell too. I do not care what religious person tells you, Hell is a construct of humanity, not reality. I've learned all this during my own spiritual journey over the past few years. There's a great lecture by Dr. Eben Alexander on YouTube about this stuff. If you're interested I can send you the link. 

He is a neurosurgeon, taught at Harvard has PhD's galore - your typical hardcore, materialist scientist, pooh-poohing life after death accounts as functions of a dying brain. Until he contracted a rare form of meningitis and went to "the other side" during his brush with death. 

His story brought me immense comfort after the death of my mother. Not only that, it gave me the gift of hope. 

I wish you comfort and peace at this difficult time.