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Aged 10 years in a week


Goforth860

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This past week was excruciatingly bad. I'm writing this here because I have written in here about all of my losses. In a way I believe that my momma and I weren't just mother and child but partners in life. No matter what I was there for her. And she was there for me (most of the time.)  I can sit here and name all of her faults as my brother and sister do but she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt. Now saying that I am going to get into my topic. I have had a lot of trauma in my life. Head and body trauma as in bloody wounds and mental wounds.  I have a laundry list of diagnosis mentally and physically.  So I have (in my life) done the best I could do with the hand I was dealt. Last weekend I had an issue start out a bb size something and ended with a giant snowball at the bottom of the hill of an avalanche. Then I finally crashed after a week long bi-polar episode because of this bb size issue.  Well the episode started out with my top popping Monday morning in my apt buildings office with the manager. We had regional coming in for an inspection. Which stressed me out as well. My sister was coming to see me. God bless her soul. She is always doing anything and everything she can for anyone. She runs a business that is a family business so she's stressed and I'm stressed because she is. She told me she was on her way if that was ok. I said no problem with me but I'm manic as f''k so.... she responded by asking if it was safe to come. I told her yes I wouldn't have told you to come on if it wasn't.  Now for those of you who have never had any kinda mental illness in your family or friends or you think it's a 'PUT ON'. I can assure that it is real and it is life altering for who it effects and who is around that person who loves and cares for them. Even Strangers who come in contact with that person while on a manic high/low. I finally crashed Thursday night after not sleeping since I woke up Saturday morning. I am now on day 2 of recouping.  I'm in a good place mentally but my body is screaming at me saying you did this to us. I feel better because this is my sec night of sleeping because while manic you don't.  There's no reasoning with a manic person.  They swing left to right up down and diagonal. Like I've said in my many post the last of the year is very hard because of all the losses birthdays and anniversaries.  I don't keep track of days or dates. But even though I dont my internal clock and mind knows them. On top of that the holidays. A lot to have to contend with. Mommas birthday was the 7th. She passed the 16th. Where the title comes from is in this last week I have been so stressed out and high as the moon I have wreaked havoc on my body. As I said aged 10 years in a week.  I have stopped dying my hair trying to get rid of the grey. I stopped about a year ago. 1 because in about 2/3 weeks around my temples grey would already be grown out enough to been seen and 2 I've come to the understanding my mom said when she stopped dying her hair. "I've earned every single one of these grey hairs". And she started rockin her grey with pride. When I finally crashed Thursday night and I woke up Fri morning. I went to the bathroom and when I stepped to the sink to wash my hands I looked in the mirror and instead of a lil grey at the top of my head and at my temples there is grey/white surrounding my face. Not just one of two but a lot of it. So this last week has aged me by 10 years. Physically. I feel it in my body.  Joints muscles and bones and as I looked in the mirror at my hair. Life is a strain for everyone and they go through the process of aging. But to have visibly aged this much in just a few days has taken a toll on my spirit. My body is falling apart fast. It started at 30. Degenerative disc disease. Which caused me to have to have 2 cervical fusions. Titanium plates screws and spacers. Avn (dead bone) throughout my body. To the point I can step wrong and my bones can shatter. So IF they can put the bones back together I'll have more hardware in my body. Rods screws nuts and bolts. Ripped rotator cuff. Because I didnt want to have another surgery after 4 in 2 years I put it off so long the tear turned into a rip. The Dr told me he did the best he could to put me back together with what I left him to work with. I've had 15 surgeries in 8 years. They want to do both hips and both knees. Total replacements. I'm only 45. I once again am putting them off as long as possible. I told the Dr about 6 mths ago. When my left knee (3 surgeries in. 2 scopes to clean them out and the last one a transplant of the patella and cartlege from a cadaver.) Was popping out of socket at least 6 times a day and me having to ask a friend and neighbor to come help me unlock it because I couldn't move it  any direction. She had to come help me unlock it. But I told tge Dr I was going to do my best to make it to 48/49 before any replacement.  He said how about 55. I looked at him like he had 3 heads and laughed. Saying if I make it to 49 I'm going to be lucky. So here I am knowing at least 4 more surgeries (major surgeries) are around the corner. With  John not being here with and for me. So that weighs on me as well. I'm just doing my best I can do to keep on keeping on.  I will never stop. I get up every day and push through the best I can. But there are days there is no getting up. My body or mind lays me down. The main reason I push through all the mental and physical is because I know one day I'm not going to be able to get up and do. All of the physical wears on my mental. I just try to stay as positive as I can. Life is what it is and it goes how it goes. 

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Goforth860,

Hoping you will have a better week this week.  All we can do is try, one day at a time. 

Hugs

Gail

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