Members Popular Post LindaJimmy Posted November 26, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 26, 2023 When I realized it was my third Thanksgiving without him, and Christmas will be too, I felt my chest tighten right up like never before. Really tight. I thought I would throw up. I have no family. I am an adult orphan. I have the very best friends who included me with their fabulous family for Thanksgiving. Friends do so much for me. I do love it. They bring me so much joy. But it's not him. No matter what, there is a feeling of detachment from what everyone does. He was my better half. I will always be a bit lost without him. Sometimes I don't want to go on. But he made me promise to take care of our dogs. I just thought I'd share this. I saw a post from 2020, I think, where another woman correctly (for me) described how the first holiday was a blur, the second one some indication that I was surviving, but now this. Sigh. 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 26, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted November 26, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss, we welcome you here. It may not take away your pain but knowing there are others that get it may help... Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post AJ4 Posted November 26, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 26, 2023 I'm on the same year. My husband died in Sept of 2021. On Thanksgiving this year I got a letter (not really sure why the mail came on Thanksgiving, but it was just the one letter) from one of his former clients expressing condolences and saying how much my husband meant to him. He wanted to include pictures of my husband in a book he's writing and was asking my permission. It was the sweetest letter I've ever gotten from a stranger. I miss him so much but the ripples of his effects on our community keep coming. Which warms my heart a little. 4 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 26, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted November 26, 2023 I'm so glad you got that @AJ4. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted November 27, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted November 27, 2023 14 hours ago, LindaJimmy said: When I realized it was my third Thanksgiving without him, and Christmas will be too, I felt my chest tighten right up like never before. Really tight. I thought I would throw up. I have no family. I am an adult orphan. I have the very best friends who included me with their fabulous family for Thanksgiving. Friends do so much for me. I do love it. They bring me so much joy. I can appreciate that. I have family - technically - but it's so dysfunctional it's as if having none by and large. And our "friends" mostly disappeared shortly after, so I didn't have much of anything there either, but I'm glad that you do. I hope this site can help too. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Boggled Posted November 27, 2023 Members Report Share Posted November 27, 2023 Not so much the holidays, which were never a big deal for us, but what I noticed was when the jujubes came ripe, AGAIN. What? Already? (cry) How can it BE that for two jujube seasons you've been gone!?!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 27, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted November 27, 2023 I had to look up jujube, I couldn't eat anyway but sounds wonderful! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Boggled Posted November 27, 2023 Members Report Share Posted November 27, 2023 They're a fiddley kind of fruit, with a seed in the middle of each one, and when the trees ("we" have two trees) come ripe, jujubes start falling all around the trees as well as turning from green to brown. They do have the wonderful quality of helping calm and sleep. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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