I lost my better half

[Rynesha Westbrook]

I lost my girlfriend May 8th of this year. She was the love of my life. I really haven't had people here to support me. They're pretty much staying away from me. Guess im no longer useful to them I won't go in details of how she passed.but I can say she died beside me  I'm losing my mind. It's only been 6 months. I've cried a couple times I feel really bad about that because I feel like I should be crying more some people say I'm still in shock. I really don't know what to say or what to do but if you have any advice please let me know we were together for 7 years. I feel like when she died she took my future way. I'm in the process now of getting my career back on track. I drive 18 wheelers. I really don't want to go out there because she was there with me. Not physically on the truck but mentally emotionally. I blame myself a lot things I could have done different i'm also a Addict and I had a lot of anger problems so that played a role of me not being the best girlfriend. Everybody blame me and said I did it it hurt so bad because the people that love me or should love me should have known better.I LOST HER TO DAMMIT I lost our apartment our vehicle. And now they're telling me. I have to get up and be an adult all over again, but this time i'm doing it by myself Sometimes I pray that she will come and talk to me

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's kind of quiet today but you will likely have more responses tomorrow.

This is a community of caring people, all going through this together.  Welcome to our site!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Rynesha Westbrook]

Thank you today just been hard first holiday without her and I'm alone trying to get through today that's all

[RichS]

We on this board are all very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post here. As Kay mentioned, we are a caring group who offer support for each other as well as helpful advice, where we can. WELCOME!!

[DWS]

11 hours ago, Rynesha Westbrook said:

Thank you today just been hard first holiday without her and I'm alone trying to get through today that's all

That's a lot for you to get through. You are experiencing the tremendous loss of the one who was your sweet everyday.  All of us here know quite well that deep pain and despair of dealing with holidays without our partners and spouses. This is grief and you have every reason to feel what you are feeling. Please try not to let others rule how you should or shouldn't be right now. Being an adult has nothing to do with how we deal with our loss and grief. I and everyone here knows how this loss messes up our minds. Grief can distort the past and create lots of sorrowful regrets as we deal with the agony of their physical absence. Adulthood doesn't prepare us for this horrible time.

And seven years is a long time to be with someone who's heart you were connected to. The others around you sound like they're basing their opinions on the past as they saw it but they're being unfairly blind to your love that still exists for your girlfriend. You know that love. Let it help you through this.