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lost without my lover,i feel as a wounded animal i weep and i ache to the center of my being


David1111

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My beautiful soul mate Kristen Ann Molaski Lovell died on April the 28th 2012,weeks have gone by and i was in shock.The cop at my door with the news,a hole,black and vast opened in the floor and something happened inside me,i was in deep shock,only nine days ago did i come out and it was so terrifying,real,cold ,lonely and the reality crushed me as an elephant sitting on me,6 sleepless days ,no food,i ended up in Hospital 4 days ago,diagnosed with Adjustment disorder with some post traumatic traits.The meds are allowing me some rest yet my heart aches as like nothing i could ever dream possible,the tears come and go,i get angry,and now i question all my spiritual beliefs and am desperately trying to find an answer to death,a reason?a philosophy,a fragment of anything that will give me even a tiny hope that i will see my lover Kristen and hold her again someday,i miss her so.....much!!! I love you Kristen.

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David, I know the pain and heartache, the hole that opens under you .. I felt physically like an anvil dropped on my head when I got the news and knew it to be true. I don't remember much of the weeks after that. Just moving through the days like in a dream, unable to understand how the whole world could still go on around me without feeling the pain in my whole being. The unanswerable questions, and the desperate search for meaning. The feeling of half of me being ripped away, my heart ripped out, and the gaping hole that was left. You're not alone.

The real diagnosis is that you're grieving. It's not a medical or psychiatric condition, it's a soul condition. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) no doctor can truly help you with that. Please be careful with the meds, and be gentle with yourself.

Craig

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David, I know the pain and heartache, the hole that opens under you .. I felt physically like an anvil dropped on my head when I got the news and knew it to be true. I don't remember much of the weeks after that. Just moving through the days like in a dream, unable to understand how the whole world could still go on around me without feeling the pain in my whole being. The unanswerable questions, and the desperate search for meaning. The feeling of half of me being ripped away, my heart ripped out, and the gaping hole that was left. You're not alone.

The real diagnosis is that you're grieving. It's not a medical or psychiatric condition, it's a soul condition. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) no doctor can truly help you with that. Please be careful with the meds, and be gentle with yourself.

Craig

Thanks so much Craig,your words mean a lot.:) I had something shift in my mind and heart when the cop gave me the news,i am finding the meds are allowing me sleep.,thats about it..i have for thew first time in weeks since coming out of shock gone out to the store etc,however then it hits me,i see something she liked or remember a conversation while in that store etc and tears well in my eyes and my heart aches.I am on a desperate spiritual quest now,reading 15 hrs a day,all religions,seeking,attempting to piece it together and if there may be hope i will see her again,with Kristens death my entire belief system and even my ego has been shattered,i am different now,do not see life through the same eyes,im forever changed,and its good as i now am not caring about the little things at all,and i am seeing that life is so brief and we never know,i want to just love the remainder of my days,be at peace,and give,share,laugh,and die with a smile knowing i did the best i coul;d.I do not like this grieving! and do want her home! I that cant be and the ache of this is a storm black and relentless,a little sun peaks through and then i am swept away by the dark,it is hell!

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I'm new to this website, just found it and felt I wanted to respond. I was in a motorcycle accident last August with my partner who was killed. I don't remember anything of the accident, just waking up in hospital wondering what on earth was going on. For the first few months my life was a blur recovering from my injuries, full of pain killers and coping with the loss. We were together an amazing 11 years. I was off work for 6 months and had counselling and I'm gradually getting my life back together. Grief is the worse feeling ever, you cannot explain it to anyone else unless they have experienced it.

I totally believe that my partner is around me letting me know he is there keeping an eye on me as since the accident I have experienced items moving in the house, TVs & radios coming on on their own, changing channel, phones calling people on their own, a picture moved off the wall - I could go on and on. This didn't happen before so I'm convinced he is around. People may think I'm mad but I'm not.

The court case is being dealt with at the moment which is also painful and is dragging out the healing process. I am terrified of going near the place where the accident was and freak out at the thought.

The main reason I keep going is I keep thinking that I have survived and my partner would not want me to give up on life after by some miracle I survived and somehow didn't lose any limbs. My niece is another reason. Life is very very tough but my advice to anyone who is coping with such terrible emotions as myself is to cry, laugh, scream, throw things and keep going. I have to believe there is a reason I'm still here so please believe there is a reason you are still here as well ......

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Hi,

I'm also new to this site - I've been reading through the forums and was struck by your post David. I completely identify with the feelings you experienced early on.

The love of my life died unexpectedly May 2, 2011. He was 28. He was an elite athlete. He was supposed to be competing in the Olympics this summer.

All of our dreams together suddenly crushed, over, in a matter of seconds. I struggled to breathe for a very long time. It was like an anvil crushing my chest.

I never got a chance to say goodbye. To this day I can't remember if I said "I love you" as I held him in my arms, helpless, waiting for the paramedics and him struggling to breathe.

I was in utter panic, shock and disbelief. A huge part of me died with him that day, and i feel forever changed. Still lost.

I cannot escape the tragedy of that night. The 'why's, should haves, what ifs'... It is over one year since he died. I have no concept of time anymore but the passing of seasons.

I still feel confused, angry, in denial. The only way I can cope is to think that he is away on vacation. It helps for awhile but then the horror of reality sinks in. I've learned to only take in as much of

the reality as I can handle right now.

I don't believe people when they tell me 'time heals'. I've only experienced a deepening of the pain and cannot fathom having any more tears to shed.

I miss him dearly.

I have also been struggling with my spiritual beliefs. I don't understand how a loving, caring God can take away such a beautiful soul. He brought sunshine and pure joy to so many lives. His smile was infectious. He endured hardships in his life that so many of us could not imagine and yet he never complained. He was grateful for every moment he had. He worked hard to realize his dream of competing in the Olympics. His passion and talent were awe inspiring. I had people introduce themselves to me at his funeral who told me they never knew him, but were so inspired by him they wanted to pay their respects.

All this to say that it doesn't make sense. I want so badly to believe that I will see him one day soon, but like I said, I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

I do feel he is near sometimes. I have witnessed beautiful signs or situations that tell me he is close. And I have been with him in my dreams. But all I want is for him to come back.

If I can offer simple words of advice that has helped me through very difficult moments, those times when a wave of emotion and tears suddenly hits you:

Remember to breathe.

I know that I will get through this, someday. Although my heart feels black and broken, I do sense a small glimmer of light that shines through and slowly will begin to grow brighter...

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