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My dad and best friend


jennay1976

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jennay1976

Today is a hard day for me. My dad who was my best friend in the world; would have been 60 years old. He died April 22nd, 2005 at the age of 52. He had carcinoid cancer. He was going in for routine tests before knee surgery (which he put off to walk me down the aisle and dance with me at my wedding). He had an elevation in his liver enzyme and they thought that he had a gall bladder stone. It started giving him more trouble and he had surgery and they found a tumor in his bile duct. The cancer started there and spread from his bile duct down through his liver and his pancreas. Carcioid tumors or neuroendocrine tumors cause lots of symptoms from high blood pressure to diabetes and many more. They are slow growing; my dad always had high blood pressure and diabetes...who knows how long he had this tumor. He had many surgeries performed including a whipple procedure and that was done twice. I was going to be a live liver transplant for him but his cancer had spread to far. He was my absolute best friend; I could call him any time of day or just show up at the house and he had this way of making any problem just go away. He was a big teddy bear and had the best sense of humor. He was the first person I called to tell him that I was getting divorced. He was so brave and gave a good fight but he lost his battle to cancer. I watched my over 6 foot tall 250 pound dad drop to maybe 125 pounds....the cancer just ravaged his body. I have so many good memories of him but I am so angry that he was taken from me and my family. I often see the number 519 (his birthday) and I know that he is telling me that he is ok but I want him here!! I still wanna call him; even after 7 years. It's just so hard for me to accept that he is gone. When does the pain, hurt and anger go away? It's just so unfair that someone who was so full of life was taken away. One of my favorite poems that I read at his memorial service is called:

Love Me But Let Me Go<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; "><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

When I come to the end of the road,

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

And the sun has set for me

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

I want no rites in a gloom filled room

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

Why cry for a soul set free?

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; "><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

Miss me a little, but not too long

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

And not with your head bowed low

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

Remember the love that we once shared

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

Love me but let me go

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; "><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

For this is a journey we all must take

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

And all must go alone

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

It is all part of the Master's plan,

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

A step on the road to home

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; "><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

When you are lonely and sick of heart

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

Go to the friends you know

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds

<br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: left; ">

Love me-but let me go.

But, I just can't seem to let him go. Another favorite poem that was given to me by one of my employers when my Nonnie passed is:

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

~Henry Van Dyke

This poem really put things into perspective but I wonder how long does someone grieve for? Is it normal to grieve this long? Sorry that this is such a long post but this is the first time I have been to a grief support like this. I am hoping that by talking about my feelings in an open forum and reading about others' losses that I can heal.

I love you dad!! RIP!!

Jenn

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Jeff's Mom

Jenn, I am sure that your dad is looking down on you and beaming with pride at a daughter that loved him this much. The poem that you gave at his eulogy was beautiful. The hurt, anger and frustration that you speak of is a normal response to your deep loss. Eventually in time your pain will start to soften and become less severe. I know it may not seem like it right now, but it will in time. You do not have to let him go... but learn to accept that he is at peace and free of pain. He is in another place where you will be reunited in time. Hold on to all the beautiful memories that you cherish and know that he is just a private talk away for you. I often talk to my son in my own way. Not exactly walking around the house speaking openly...but just thinking thoughts and sending them his way. I am so sorry for your loss. He had a really good daughter in you. So anything that is that positive never dies. Just remember that. The real hurt, anger and pain will subside in time. Just be patient and let your heart guide you. There is no particular time frame to follow. Let your heart lead you. It will get better. Hang in there.

Kate

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heavenlyimages

Dear Jenn,

Your dad does not want you to be sad. He wants you to go on with your life here on earth. You will be together again soon enough. He is the blessed one and you are the one who has to keep going on in this world. Your dad fought the good fight and won. If we only knew how wonderful Heaven really is we would all be trying to find a way out of here as soon as possible. But we have to go on and do the best we can do.

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Jenn,

My dad, who was my best friend as well, died a year ago. It was unexpected - I'm grateful that I didn't have to watch him suffer as you did but I also agonize over the fact that I never got to say goodbye to the most important person in my life, the most amazing person I've ever known. I logged on to this forum tonight to send out the question "why is the pain of losing my dad not going away, in fact why has it come back even stronger in the past few weeks?" And right away I saw your post...and it helped me to read what you wrote, the beautiful poems and your thoughts. And even if it tells me that the pain doesn't necessarily go away any time soon, it's really helped me tonight. So thank you for sharing that. Something about what you wrote let me know I'm not alone in this.

Lots of love to you,

Julia

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JamesBerkley

Your digestive function is primarily manipulated by a important hormonal organ known as pancreas. Numerous body parts need the treatment for pancreatic cancer, as well as the digestive enzymes for the purpose of digestive break down and consumption that happen to be produced by means of acinus cellular lining.

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jenny i lost my mom 6 months ago and she was awesome also, my best friend from scotland, great sense of humor. I am going over there to visit soon. I will pray for your healing and comfort dear.

Please know it takes time to heal. I am getting better, ii joined a grief support group and a bible study group, both help alot. I feel lonely without my mom also

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