I don't feel it

[WithoutHer]

It's just a week away from being 4 months for me and I don't feel any difference in dealing with losing Vickie. I have the same repetitive memories bringing me tears every day. I went for a little exploration drive around town last night just before dark. It was the type of drive Vickie and I would do together on the weekends before I retired and before COVID. I haven't been out for a long time so I decided to go for it last night. Driving around I could simultaneously feel her with me and the emptiness of the seat beside me. When I got home and out of the car I felt the emptiness twice as hard because I knew when I opened the door to the porch she wouldn't be there like she was when I came in from a store run.

People here say it gets easier over time. How much time? I'm not feeling any progress even though I've begun a little bit of decluttering as well. I've been able to deal with some of her things which I couldn't do but I still am not feeling it.

Everyday is the same lonely world without her and I feel no purpose like so many others here.

[KayC]

For me it was over five years but everyone is different.

[WithoutHer]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

For me it was over five years but everyone is different.

I know more than anyone here you know what I'm going through. I do have a neighbor besides my friend I've mentioned in other posts who will help me with things if I need and ask but I can tell he's not comfortable talking about the loss. He is the one who took care of my dog while I was in the hospital. You and I are in our own ways alone. I know because I know myself well this is going to be very long lonely journey.

[JamesF]

4 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

People here say it gets easier over time. How much time?

Hi, so sorry for your loss. Sadly there's no definitive answer to that question. It's been over 2 1/2 years since my world caved in & the only thing I'm certain of is that time does heal. The heartache will be there, but just a tiny bit less every day. Hang in there, we're all here for you. 

[Nancy2]

5 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It's just a week away from being 4 months for me and I don't feel any difference in dealing with losing Vickie. I have the same repetitive memories bringing me tears every day. I went for a little exploration drive around town last night just before dark. It was the type of drive Vickie and I would do together on the weekends before I retired and before COVID. I haven't been out for a long time so I decided to go for it last night. Driving around I could simultaneously feel her with me and the emptiness of the seat beside me. When I got home and out of the car I felt the emptiness twice as hard because I knew when I opened the door to the porch she wouldn't be there like she was when I came in from a store run.

People here say it gets easier over time. How much time? I'm not feeling any progress even though I've begun a little bit of decluttering as well. I've been able to deal with some of her things which I couldn't do but I still am not feeling it.

Everyday is the same lonely world without her and I feel no purpose like so many others here.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is hard, and my loss was two months ago.  I felt spiritually connected to my husband for a little while yesterday and felt good when I had that feeling, but the feeling went away and I am back to square one.  The  roller coaster ride that they say we're on is so true.  Just when I think I am feeling better I feel bad again. But I try to stay busy.  I take walks, go out to eat by myself, or with a friend.  I am also traveling, as an escape I guess, and to find some joy in a life filled with sadness. 

[widower2]

10 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

People here say it gets easier over time. How much time?

As others have said, there's unfortunately no pat answer, it varies for everyone, and it's an uneven path. But very generally speaking, I think it's reasonable that in the coming days, you will start to feel SOME improvement. At least I did....the time several months after the loss were for me the worst as the initial shock is wearing off and the reality that yes, this isn't a nightmare and is real, really kicks in...plus the flurry of activity in those early days with the funeral, paperwork, etc is over.

It may be in small enough increments that you might not realize it at first. But better days are ahead. Hold on. 

 

[Laura Vence]

Do your best to take care of yourself and let yourself have these feelings. Therapy and grief groups helped me bit by bit. The first year is hardest. Then the shock wears off.  Hang in there. Do whatever you can to relieve the stress and just know your pain is normal and because you truly loved. Keep writing us here.
 

I am more than a year and a half out. Sending hugs ❤️

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

this is going to be very long lonely journey.

Yes, but there will be good surprises along the way.  I have a neighbor who is a tree faller, he loves shooting up a tree, up in the air! He checks my trees every year, falls, trims, mows, weed whacks, blows off my roof and gutters, cleans my chimney. Over the last 18 years he's been here, doing this (I pay him but he always gives me a good deal). I was there when he ran over Emma, his little wiener dog. It broke his heart. For the first time I hugged him and talked to him. And when his SO of 17 years suddenly left him for her XBF...you get close to people even without talking sometimes.  He sent me an invitation to his son's graduation, I'd planned on going but now can't because of Kodie's surgery...it's full time taking care of him, but I plan to walk a card and $ down to him next week and if I still can't leave Kodie that long, we'll drive it down there.

[Brazil Man]

On 6/3/2023 at 4:30 PM, KayC said:

For me it was over five years but everyone is different.

Yes, it was about 4 or 5 years for me too until I have some relief. But I read here that many people recover faster.

[RichS]

On 6/3/2023 at 12:39 PM, WithoutHer said:

I'm not feeling any progress even though I've begun a little bit of decluttering as well. I've been able to deal with some of her things which I couldn't do but I still am not feeling it.

After almost 10 months since I lost Chris, I'm currently "stuck trying to move forward." Part of me feels like I don't want to move forward and part of me asks the question, "Where am a moving forward to?" Two friends of mine who are counselors (what a blessing they have been!) tell me that I shouldn't try to force myself to move forward. That I should just let the grieving and moving forward process work itself out. As Kay mentioned, the grieving and moving process varies. A lot of us need more time. Some of us, not so much. From all of this I sense that we should try to help ourselves out in ways we can, but not expect things to turn around too quickly. It takes time...........

[Gail 8588]

I was lost in grief for about 4 years. Just a zombie of a person pretending to be a living human being. 

I finally started really living again the past 2 years.  (My husband died in March 2017.)

Gail

[widower2]

On 6/5/2023 at 10:44 AM, Brazil Man said:

Yes, it was about 4 or 5 years for me too until I have some relief. But I read here that many people recover faster.

I know what you mean, but I don't think anyone really "recovers." It's like most things in life: a question of degree. And as you say it varies for everyone....but I think most start to feel some progress within the first year at some point, and onward from that. But not only does it vary for everyone, but it's usually an uneven path. It's not like you progress X amount each day or week or whatever. There are times you feel you're going nowhere fast, but then looking back it's like wow I'm nowhere near the mess I was back on X date too. It's hard to step back and really see where you are or where you're going day to day.

[KayC]

I think the only one who "recovers" is someone who wasn't that close to them to start with.  Like my (now deceased) friend whose husband beat her and was alcoholic.  With her, his death was a relief, not something to get over.  But even then, those who have "complicated" relationships often suffer mixed feelings, missing them AND relief, for which they deal with confused guilt feelings they need help with.  It's never simple, is it.

[William M]

At about a 1 year and  a half for me currently. It has slowly evolved to this point where I don't think about it non stop, and no longer cry everyday. Now it all just hits intermittently in waves, sometimes after several days, but no longer all the time.

That said, there is still the non stop feeling in the background, that everything planned ( retiring in a few years) is permanently ruined  now with no way to possibly change that.  Unfortunately, I also have the feeling of just kinda existing with no real purpose or direction. I'm sick of my job at this point, and sometimes ask myself, "am I doing this just so I can exist?"  For what goal?

Maybe those feelings will fade too in time, but they might not. They could be much more permanent?  I've also become much, much more aware of my mortality, and the fragility of it, but fear it less now.

So yes is does get a lot better, but may never be great.

[Gail 8588]

William M, 

At 6 and a half years, I basically agree, though I am happier more of the time now.  

Our retirement plans of traveling are history.  Our vision of growing old together, gone.   I retired early from my job because it felt so pointless.  The comfort, security, companionship and love I enjoyed for 40 years will never return.

Life is clearly harder (more work for me to do alone) and more anxiety laden (who will take care of me if I become ill, or whatever). 

But inspite of all these negatives, I have found a new life for myself being active with a couple of nonprofit organizations for causes I believe in, active with my church, playing bridge with 2 women bridge groups, keeping in touch with nieces and nephews, as well as my own kids.  I have one very close female friend that I can contact day or night to chat or plan an outing with. 

I am content most all of the time now and happy quite often.  Never as happy as I would have been if my sweetie was still with me, but happy. 

If I could never have chocolate cake again (my favorite) I could still enjoy eating carrot cake.  That's sort of how I look at it now.  Wonderful things in my life with John are gone forever, but there are still good things in life remaining.  

Gail

[RichS]

William:  You just explained how I'm currently feeling and how I may feel in the future. I'm 10 months into it and don't have a purpose in life, except for care taking. Then again, maybe that is my main purpose in my life. I started winding down my working life just before 60. Took a smaller Social Security Check and pension and have never regretted it. My feeling is tomorrow you may or may not have more money, but you'll always have LESS TIME than today.

I think of my wife Chris every day (several times a day, most days). Like you, grief comes to me in waves. It finds me. I don't have to search for it. You never know what will trigger the sudden tears or depression. Your posting renewed in me a conscious effort to continue to leave things in God's hands. I've felt that way after losing Chris but sometimes useless worry hits me; wondering what the future will bring me. Like you, I lack goals or direction; but maybe that's the way God intended it. Sometimes things happen during any day and I think God is trying to communicate with me. Then again, I suspect that it's just my imagination trying to over analyze something that may just be a random occurence. From what I've read on this board, taking it one day at a time seems to be the best strategy.

Yes, I'm also realizing that I'm older than most folks I run into each day; and that friends, family and even acquaintances are slowly passing away each year. Then I remind myself that this "cycle of life" has been here since the beginning of time and that a lot of what we're experiencing today is nothing new and unique. So, after rambling on for three paragraphs my conclusion is to leave my life in God's hands and let him do his will through me. It saves me a lot of energy trying to fight it.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Wonderful things in my life with John are gone forever, but there are still good things in life remaining.  

Gail: I know you're further along in your grief journey than me, but I'm hoping to get to some point where I can start feeling some happiness and/or joy without feeling guilty about it. As I've mentioned on previous posts, "Who knows how our minds work?"

[WithoutHer]

7 minutes ago, RichS said:

'Who knows how our minds work?"

It's 4 months to the day for me and this thought is important to something pointed out to me. While I think of Vickie every day I am also living through Vickie in my thoughts and not thinking for me. Almost every thing I do or observe involves thinking how would she feel or react to that. Also constantly thinking I wish she could be here to see this or I know she would like that.

Is this constant way of thinking detrimental to my healing and overall mental health. I'm becoming aware of it now that it was pointed out but how do I control how my mind thinks. I've said before I know she would want me to heal and live but I'm seriously wondering how to get my mind to take care of me.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

If I could never have chocolate cake again (my favorite) I could still enjoy eating carrot cake.  That's sort of how I look at it now.

Good analogy.

2 hours ago, RichS said:

So, after rambling on for three paragraphs my conclusion is to leave my life in God's hands and let him do his will through me. It saves me a lot of energy trying to fight it.

Yes.

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I am also living through Vickie in my thoughts and not thinking for me.

I think it will naturally evolve, you're still newer to this process and there's a million adjustments...

[RichS]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Almost every thing I do or observe involves thinking how would she feel or react to that. Also constantly thinking I wish she could be here to see this or I know she would like that.

There used to be a Mayor of New York City (Ed Koch) whose famous saying was, "How am I doing?" That question goes through my mind every day. How does Chris think I'm doing, running things now?

[William M]

20 hours ago, RichS said:

There used to be a Mayor of New York City (Ed Koch) whose famous saying was, "How am I doing?" That question goes through my mind every day. How does Chris think I'm doing, running things now?

Yep,  I constantly ask this.  How would she do this, would she approve. 

[Brandon Gibson]

Its been 3 years since I lost my Beautiful Wife, and the Pain is worse than ever. It never goes away, and there are Days when I wish I would just die, to be with her again. So to answer your question - there is no timeline or rules to Grief. It's different for everyone. The Anti-Depressants have helped to a point but I have found, there is very little advice that People can give you to cope with this. Your Smile hides your Pain and no one will ever know what you are going through. My sincerest condolences to you my dear Friend. 

[KayC]

@Brandon Gibson You haven't been on here much since you joined, and I may have missed giving you this...perhaps you've already made your way through the hardest time but this is timeless, and meant to save and check from time to time as what hits now and what hits later are often two different things...

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[I miss you so much]

Tomorrow will be 10 months since he left...I realized it now, I realized just now that today it was 13th, 10 months since the last time he was conscient and said his last words.

I've been quite busy with different problems lately, so I have forgotten and this surprise me. 

But I've been crying this morning, the painful emptiness without him, the space around me where he's not more.

I've discovered and realized about many things in this time. It's too late now. There are only the "I wish I could..." and "If only..." left.

I'm more conscient of my loneliness in the world since he left me. It's difficult to explain : I had had a life before having met him, but once I've met him, there is no life without him...

So I continue each day following the advice given by many of you : just one day at a time.

So each morning, just one more day to fill, to pass. Time counted before, a new day was a new chance, I could think about the future.

Now, I'm only living from memories and regrets, trying to "pass" each new day and the only thought about future is that I'll also die and I wonder how it will be.

I used to dream and plan about all we were going to do :  how it would be to buy our house and settle, different places to visit together, having, at last, peaceful times together...All those "ideas" are gone.

Now, my only project for the future is : "one day, I'll die".

[KayC]

For me it's 18 years this week since he died, so I don't hold my breath with the dying anytime soon. My one consolation is that "life is a vapor, that appears for a time, and then passes away."  I know at the end of my life, I will get to be with him again, no matter how long that seems in the meanwhile, and we'll have eternity together.
 

5 hours ago, I miss you so much said:

I had had a life before having met him, but once I've met him, there is no life without him...

I understand what you are saying.  

 

5 hours ago, I miss you so much said:

I've been quite busy with different problems lately, so I have forgotten and this surprise me. 

I see that as a healthy thing, not that you momentarily forgot, but that it's not consuming you entirely.  You may disagree and feel guilty, but accept my permission to let that go.