Need support - Wife stopped loving me

[monkey20051]

I have been with my soul mate for 15 years. She recently (last few months) stopped being affectionate and was pretty distant. I have gotten to talk to her seriously a handful of times. Each time what was bothering her was different and she never had a plan of how to work on it or what we could do together to make things better. She just wanted a divorce and that was it. We have two young kids and a great life and all of these shared things together. But for some reason now she just wants to break all that up.

She has told me she doesn't love me anymore and she does not find me attractive. She said there is nothing more or less I could do to change her mind. It hurts because I've become a great partner over the years. I work and provide for the family, I take care of the kids and all of their activities. I do the laundry, dishes, cleaning, and take care of the finances and planning. I treat her like a queen and always try and find little ways to show my appreciation and love. This hurts so bad and I don't know how to recover.

If anyone has had this happen with their partner, I could definitely use some support. I need to know if things can get better. I am so heartbroken and depressed. 

[KayC]

Yep, it happened to my daughter, they were together since 2000 but seven years ago he left her after she had a miscarriage, then came back under the guise of "taking care of her" when she had the flu, without doing any of the work she required (marriage counseling), but actually did so only with the intention of stealing their apt. from her.  She had gone to the work to secure the place, it was less expensive than like apts and even when he was out of work (failed drug test) she supported him and did everything. He didn't even drive so she'd pick him up from work in the wee hours (when he did get a job).  He'd get drunk, come home and make her clean up his vomit.
They didn't process divorces during covid, but I hired someone to take care of it and it was final a year ago.

Don't hold your breath.  I don't understand what she wants, maybe someone who mistreats her? God only knows. Do what you can to protect yourself and your children and definitely see an attorney..

 

[monkey20051]

15 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yep, it happened to my daughter, they were together since 2000 but seven years ago he left her after she had a miscarriage, then came back under the guise of "taking care of her" when she had the flu, without doing any of the work she required (marriage counseling), but actually did so only with the intention of stealing their apt. from her.  She had gone to the work to secure the place, it was less expensive than like apts and even when he was out of work (failed drug test) she supported him and did everything. He didn't even drive so she'd pick him up from work in the wee hours (when he did get a job).  He'd get drunk, come home and make her clean up his vomit.
They didn't process divorces during covid, but I hired someone to take care of it and it was final a year ago.

Don't hold your breath.  I don't understand what she wants, maybe someone who mistreats her? God only knows. Do what you can to protect yourself and your children and definitely see an attorney..

 

That sounds awful for your daughter. I'm sorry she went through that. How is she doing now? 

My soon to be ex is a great mom. I can't and don't want to remove the kids from her. I wish I knew what was wrong with her. She is refusing counseling too. She keeps being cold and mean towards me. I'm working with a therapist and it seems she may also be trying to manipulate and emotionally abuse me. I know I need to get away but I'm also so in love with who this woman used to be. 

[KayC]

But she isn't that woman now.

No one could have been more in love than Don and Melissa...they made national news when they married, one of nine couple on 09/09/09. It is so sad how he changed.  

My daughter feels very betrayed, he'd said they'd always be friends, ha! She hasn't heard from him in nearly a year! He hasn't gotten all his stuff out, wanted her to take over the apt. because he moved in with his GF. He took some things of hers, one being her parking placard for her apt. so she has to park sometimes two blocks away.  She also feels relieved that it's over, even with loose ends.

I wish you well with this but look out 1) for the kids (get visitation agreement and child/spousal support in writing.  2) Look out for yourself. Don't be overly kind with her. I always took the upper road with my XH and he ripped my heart out. Take care of yourself!

[monkey20051]

48 minutes ago, KayC said:

But she isn't that woman now.

No one could have been more in love than Don and Melissa...they made national news when they married, one of nine couple on 09/09/09. It is so sad how he changed.  

My daughter feels very betrayed, he'd said they'd always be friends, ha! She hasn't heard from him in nearly a year! He hasn't gotten all his stuff out, wanted her to take over the apt. because he moved in with his GF. He took some things of hers, one being her parking placard for her apt. so she has to park sometimes two blocks away.  She also feels relieved that it's over, even with loose ends.

I wish you well with this but look out 1) for the kids (get visitation agreement and child/spousal support in writing.  2) Look out for yourself. Don't be overly kind with her. I always took the upper road with my XH and he ripped my heart out. Take care of yourself!

You're right. She was always my best friend but she is not treating me that way anymore.

I am definitely taking care of myself so I can take care of the kids. I will not let this define them. I will protect them at all costs. 

I just realized this week I should not be nice with her. She was using that to her benefit. We have started divorce negotiations and have an outline of how to take care of the kids so far. It will be 50/50 and she does not want any support. She only makes about 10% less than me right now. 

[KayC]

How are you doing?  I'm glad she's not asking for support.

[monkey20051]

50 minutes ago, KayC said:

How are you doing?  I'm glad she's not asking for support.

Not great. Pretty miserable most days. We told the kids last month. It was heartbreaking. 

We have almost finalized our agreement besides a few small things. 

She still hasn't moved out which has made it very difficult for me to heal. She has plans to be gone by the end of the month and hopefully that happens. 

I still don't believe this is my life right now. It's hard to move on. 

[tinylin18]

Try to be strong, what is meant to be will be. I know it might be difficult right now but know that your not alone and lots of people separate and divorce. I myself have and it's hard yes but sometimes people change and grow apart. Yes you love her and have children but maybe the woman she has become isn't the woman for you and vice versa. Be patient and kind to yourself. Do things that bring you joy and that you love doing. Spend time with your kids and give them as much comfort as you can because divorce can be hard on the kids. In time all will be well. Stay positive and have faith. Things will get better. 

[monkey20051]

On 7/14/2023 at 3:31 AM, tinylin18 said:

Try to be strong, what is meant to be will be. I know it might be difficult right now but know that your not alone and lots of people separate and divorce. I myself have and it's hard yes but sometimes people change and grow apart. Yes you love her and have children but maybe the woman she has become isn't the woman for you and vice versa. Be patient and kind to yourself. Do things that bring you joy and that you love doing. Spend time with your kids and give them as much comfort as you can because divorce can be hard on the kids. In time all will be well. Stay positive and have faith. Things will get better. 

The problem becomes to me that we didn't grow apart. We literally fit so perfect together. I took care of her and our family. I loved and supported her through everything. We grew so much closer over the last 15 years. 

Only who she has acted like over the last 6 months is confusing and unlike anyone I have ever known before. I don't want to move on but have to. This is the worst thing ever because I have no answers, reasons, or compassion. Just hurt and sadness. 

I'm sure I'll be "better" but I don't think I'll ever be the same again. 

[tinylin18]

I hate to even suggest this but is there someone else that might be contributing to the sudden and drastic change in your wife? Or possibly her mental health has been affected in some way. I hope that in time your wife will be able to give you a reason, if nothing else for the sake of your closure. Would she consider marriage counseling? It's worth a shot for your marriage. And your right; I won't sugar coat it I've been through separation and divorce and no matter what the reason it's painful and will change you. As corny as it sounds, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I wish you well an all the happiness in the world. 

[monkey20051]

9 hours ago, tinylin18 said:

I hate to even suggest this but is there someone else that might be contributing to the sudden and drastic change in your wife? Or possibly her mental health has been affected in some way. I hope that in time your wife will be able to give you a reason, if nothing else for the sake of your closure. Would she consider marriage counseling? It's worth a shot for your marriage. And your right; I won't sugar coat it I've been through separation and divorce and no matter what the reason it's painful and will change you. As corny as it sounds, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I wish you well an all the happiness in the world. 

She has said there is no one else. I don't really trust her over the last few months but for now I'm accepting that at face value. I told her it would be easier if there was because then I would have a reason. She just continues to not give me a reason and I fear that will prevent me from being able to fully move on. 

She initially brought this to my attention as if she was going through some depression. But then she continued to not seek help, realized it wasn't depression, then just said she didn't love me anymore. I have asked for counseling and been shut down. She says she has no problems to work through. 

We're past all those stages at this point. The marriage is lost and over with besides the paperwork. I'm just trying to figure out how to live a new life after 15 years of what I thought was a wonderful marriage and family life. 

I really can only think of the negatives, the impact on my kids, the impact on my mental, and the financial insecurity at this point. I feel like she ruined our whole family's life by just giving up on me. I don't hate that she wanted to leave. I hate that she never tried to work on anything. 

I'm not a religious or faithful person so I'm not sure about everything happening for a reason. I'm just hoping in time I can heal and get over her. 

[tinylin18]

I really do understand, and I very much hate all this for you. It's horrible really. As impossible as it may seem right now you may just have to make your own closure in a sense. Hopefully time heals all. Marriage well any relationship for that matter can be difficult. Separation or breakups whatever you want to call them; well, they suck to put in simplest terms. I myself am going through a breakup with my partner of almost 6 years and it is rough. Before that I went through my divorce and the abuse of my ex-husband all alone for years. It's all so devastating. Honestly the only thing that's been getting me through are my distractions like my child, work, and trying to-do things that make me happy. I took up therapy because lord knows I need it. I highly recommend if you can get yourself into counselling, it'll give you a non-biased outlet and tools you may need to just deal in the future. I thought on it and well ask yourself this, as painful as it may be knowing your wife and the life you shared and all the love you have would you want or be okay with spending your life with a woman that no longer loves you? Would you be okay with your kids seeing a one-sided loveless marriage? I know I'm probably not helping but I like to think of things in all different types of ways. Personally, I don't think I would be able to continue to share life with someone that no longer loved me. I wouldn't want my kids to see that type of relationship or think it's okay. I very much believe that our relationships are examples for our children in the future. Stay strong love your wife enough to let her go, love yourself enough to know your worth, and love your children enough to teach them the difference. Be kind and patient with yourself. Yes, it'll take time to mourn the loss of your marriage but in time you'll heal and there will be a whole new and exciting world for you. Who knows what the future may hold my friend.  Best wishes.

[Yasmance]

It must be incredibly hard. It sounds like you've been a devoted partner and parent, and feeling hurt and confused is understandable. While it's tough to hear, sometimes relationships change in unexpected ways. It's important to prioritize your own well-being, too. Remember, you deserve happiness and fulfillment in your life as well. Hang in there, and take things one step at a time.

[monkey20051]

So it's been almost a year... and I'd love to give an update with how much better I am and how I'm happy taking care of myself. But I'm arguably in the same spot mentally or worse. 

This woman was my best friend. I want her here with me every single day. But for some reason unknown to me, we have drifted apart. I'm glad I have my kids half the time, but everything in my life feels broken. 

I'm coming down with physical health issues and have no support. My mental health is at an all time low. I want my family back full time but that will never happen again. 

I'm waiting for this dark period to be over, but right now it feels inescapable. I hope no one else ever has to go through this. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry that after a year you're in no better spot.  Sometimes it seems worse before it gets better.  Hoping it starts looking up for you, I echo the same sentiment, hoping no one else has to go through this.  Been there.