What positive can you list today?

[KayC]

Today he drug me through briars for 40 min. to "poop" only he never did! I finally called a halt to it, he had the best places in the world to go and turned them all down!  He peed though, for what  seemed like forever!

[RichS]

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

he had the best places in the world to go and turned them all down!

Sounds like my single life in the 70's..........Anyway, time to get out the Ex-Lax  ☺️

[KayC]

He's not constipated...he'll go eventually, he's just super picky about where!

Sorry you all, this is my life lately!

[widower2]

Dogs are like that. And I swear mine would pick the worst times to be picky, like when it's raining or cold...it was like "cmon just GO already!" 

[RichS]

46 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Dogs are like that. And I swear mine would pick the worst times to be picky

My cat Salem likes to play games at times. He goes in his litter box, #1. I go clean it out and throw it away. A few minutes later, he goes #2. I guess that's his way of telling me he didn't like the variety of wet cat food I fed him in the morning.......

[shawnt]

I had a dog that would go on my shoe if he thought I had been unfair .

Never anyone else's shoe. I am afraid dogs never get used to wearing a cone , it unnerves them that that can't see or hear normal , you can only try to assure them and distract them.

My positive was I was tricked to go away to the lake for the weekend and a few times I forgot the pain and had some fun and laughed, had a little to much to eat & drink, but that was ok I was with friends.

The 3 hour drive home alone was painful knowing no one waited for me, but I am trying to stay on the positive.

[widower2]

My my experience, In those times, esp early on, a laugh - a real laugh - is a precious gift. I'm glad you had that, even if just for a brief time.

I get the drive home thing. I live in "the boonies" so just about anything social I do involves a long drive. At drives in the dark are twice as bad for me, so I rarely do it.

[Sheilz]

10 hours ago, shawnt said:

a few times I forgot the pain and had some fun and laughed

Laughter is good for the body & soul.  Very precious commodity at this time & I'm happy you got to laugh.  I was the laugher in my relationship... Brian was the serious one.  I long for a good laugh, a real laugh... just for a moment.

My positive for yesterday was hard to find.  But it was this board & a Columbo marathon.  It was a tough day for sure but hoping to find another positive today.  Stay tuned.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, shawnt said:

am afraid dogs never get used to wearing a cone

He had his cone off when I walked him, I just had to watch him like a hawk.  Hence his dragging me everywhere as I couldn't put his Halti on with the eye surgery wound...too much pressure for that area.

11 hours ago, shawnt said:

My positive was I was tricked to go away to the lake for the weekend

Tricked???

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

I live in "the boonies" so just about anything social I do involves a long drive.

ANYTHING I do involves a long drive! 1 1/4-1 1/2 hour drive from anything (shopping, groceries, medical, etc.)

I live in the boondocks too!

 

[KayC]

The last two days went better since his surgery, at least he's not out of it anymore, the first few days were rough, so I guess that's my positive for yesterday!

[Roxeanne]

My cat Margot is 16 years old...now she has hypertyroidism and renal problems! She is skinny now...she must take 2 meds a day! 

I'm grateful that i can take care of her, that she is still with me...she was a gift from my love!💕

 

 

[Sheilz]

50 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I was blessed but the ride home across the lake to an empty house was tough

You were blessed with 2 positives yesterday.  I'm happy for you.

Ann knows.

We have a similar issue with daughters only mine hasn't been as long as yours.  Thus the option of moving closer to her really isn't open to me.  Plus I worry that this has put her back in a bad place hoping she doesn't backslide.

[Sheilz]

Today's positive:  I tried trimming  the hedges (while crying).  Didn't get too far because my arms were getting tired & jelly-like.  But I started them.  

[widower2]

Funny you mention that, I just did that last week, they were WAY overdue. I still need to cut them back more but didn't want to do too much at once. 

[Roxeanne]

On 6/5/2023 at 5:15 AM, widower2 said:

a laugh - a real laugh - is a precious gift. 

True...and i had a few of them in the last 5 years without my love!

He made me laugh so much...i miss terribly our laughter !!!!

 

[KayC]

The rangers came by to check on the job they did on my place, I wanted them to do some brush behind my wood shed, they'll take down a small tree next to it but said the shrubs are mostly my neighbors, I think their GPS is off, the neighbors haven't done anything in 48 years so doubt they ever will, if my pole barn and wood catches on fire, we're toast here. Anyway not much left to do except the neighbor that was going to take the lilac tree never did, it'd require a tractor which you can't get in there, so told them to take that to the ground, I'll spray it with some vine/stump remover.  I hate seeing it go but it abuts the house. Maybe it's a moot point but that's the whole point of "defensible space."  So that's my positive, that and Kodie and I are learning our limitations and getting into a routine with his care. I feel for him as he can't play with his toys and is bored.  Lots of bellyrubs!

[shawnt]

I was productive today, it felt good. Now I am beat and hoping to sleep the night thru. ( after I cry, of course)

[KayC]

Got the Clorox Urine Remover Spray two people here suggested, covered the couch with it, read for tough spots to let it dry. I did...twice. Washed covers again and replaced after dry (took all day, it was 92 here).  This morning Kodie sniffed it and laid down on it so it passes his muster!

Beginning day 6 of 15 with cone. Still hand feeding him water from a ladle, and food.  Taking cone off/on so he can walk/do his business...he drags me through briars and bushes, the neighbors can hear me yelling, "Just GO!!!" this has to be the pickiest dog known to man! He has places to go that are Nirvana for dogs, and STILL he's picky! Can't use Halti as too close to eye, so meanwhile he's dragging this old lady all over! I'm tiny and although he's only 21 lbs he's as strong as any Husky!  Seems everything I've taught him is out the window right now.

But my positive for yesterday was getting the Clorox spray finally!
Today the rangers are supposed to come back and remove the lilac tree next to my house (for defensible space) and clear around the pole barn where the firewood is kept.  That will be my positive today. 

[RichS]

My gazebo continues to be my sanctuary...................There I find the time to:

- Get away from the noise of the TV and phone calls and the distraction of being on the internet.

- Take a break from whatever chores I need to do (and probably don't want to do).

- Pray and reflect on my life (where I've been and where I am now). And yes, grieve in private.

- Take in the beauty of the trees in my backyard and the birds chirping.

- To give thanks that I even have a place like this. The first 8-9 years of my life were spent in 6 family tenement apartments.

 

-

[KayC]

Rich I love that you have your sanctuary!

And Gator, that you fixed something!

Mine today was Kodie and I took our whole walk in!  He carried his back foot for a while and limped so that concerned me but he finally stopped with that so maybe a sticker or something, couldn't find anything wrong.

[Sheilz]

Today's positive:  I paid a bill & got my clothes ready for tomorrow's CT scan (so I'd be ready instead of scrambling to find something to wear).  AND..... a friend bought me some pound cake.  A day full of positives!

[KayC]

Good luck with your CT scan, let us know the outcome...
🙏🙏🙏

[Sheilz]

My positive:  Made it to my CT scan.  Cried when they asked who I want as "In Case of Emergency".  Then cried again when the technician kindly asked what my plans were or the test of the day.  But I got it done.  Now to await the results. 

But not sure what is happening to me.  I am doing much worse... every day.  There isn't a half hour that goes by that I don't cry with terrible gut wrenching sounds.  I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.  I can't focus at all.  Trying to keep myself from drowning in this sorrow but I can't stand the pain much longer.  Tomorrow I need to talk to my doctor.  Sorry for posting this on the "Positive" feed.  

[RichS]

Sheilz:

Our prayers are with you to get negative test results. It's good that you'll be talking to your doctor tomorrow. Be sure to explain to him/her all of your feelings you're going through. Also, keep in mind that you're currently overwhelmed. It's only been four weeks. You're still in shock, which is normal. I'm sure ALL OF US felt the same way after four weeks. I know I did.

 

[KayC]

I'm glad you're going to talk to your doctor. Most don't have specific training in grief but if you have one that cares, they can be of help. Annie, I'm glad yours understood the difference between clinical and situational depression so he could treat it accordingly.

You got it done, that's a positive. Gut wrenching tears are to be expected, you're very early in this.  

[KayC]

On 6/7/2023 at 5:02 AM, KayC said:

Today the rangers are supposed to come back and remove the lilac tree next to my house (for defensible space) and clear around the pole barn where the firewood is kept.  That will be my positive today. 

They didn't show up Wed. or Thursday, no phone calls either. I wrote them before 5 pm last night and heard back, they'd lost $10,000 in funding (!!!) and would be by today for 20 min. I want to write and tell them not to bother.  The lilac tree is looking better than ever, it's very green and if I keep it trimmed maybe it'll be okay.  They told me behind the pole barn (firewood) isn't my property, my understanding is different and I think their app is off but whatever. They show part of my house on the neighboring property, ha!  I still have the surveyor's stakes in place after all these years. What do they know! Luckily the neighbors are super nice and would not do anything if it was, but it's not.  So if they're overloaded, they can pass me by.

Yesterday I let Kodie have his cone off for a few min (under my supervision) inside the fence, he ran and ran and ran! Then he spun/spun/spun!  He peed for the longest time and then pooped.  It'd been a week since his surgery. I got him back in and put the cone on, he was as good as gold about it. I did the same last night and this morning.

[RichS]

Sounds like Kodie had himself a nice day! If someone took a cone off of my neck, I'd be overjoyed!

My positive for today was that it was Friday, not Saturday (???). I got up, looked at the clock and realized that I had a little over a hour to eat breakfast, get dressed and head off to my part-time job. About 10 minutes later, some brain cells kicked in and reminded me that it was Friday. A cup of coffee is much more enjoyable when you don't have to rush.

[KayC]

That IS a positive, Rich.
I had messaged Oakridge Air that instructs the rangers, that they didn't need to come and explained I think I can keep my lilac tree, it's always green, not touching the house, and if I keep it trimmed so I don't have dead branches I can't reach...it was looking more prolific than ever!...but Kodie alerted me too late, lack of communication in their office...they cut my tree down before I could stop them. The worst part was when he told me it would have been okay and he just thought he was doing me a favor. 

Will have to find another positive today, it's still early.
 

[KayC]

Wow, you're in high demand! I miss my friend that moved to TX eight years ago, we did everything together!  Hobbies, cooking, going places, or just having a cup of cappuccino! 

[widower2]

I have next week (TGIF!) off but nowhere to go. On the other hand, I'm good at doing nothing   Will probably catch a few movies. I have a bedroom to paint, but not feeling very inclined

[KayC]

Aww, take the time off!  You're right, I was thinking it was Saturday!

 

[Missing Him31623]

I woke up this morning and I have people that love and support me.

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, Missing Him31623 said:

I woke up this morning and I have people that love and support me.

I am glad you do, everyone needs that but not everyone has it. You have another thing...you have this grief forum where others get it and understand, and it's a safe place for you to post.  I see you lost your husband not quite three months ago. When you are ready, maybe you will tell us a bit about you and him, and how you lost him.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Sheilz]

Positive today:  My primary upped my dosage of medication (but it makes me a bit scared to be on it).  Plus we had a long good talk.  Hope it helps me.  But she talked about me moving out of this house into something smaller like a condo with no maintenance.  It crushed me thinking I would leave this house & try to pretend that our life here never happened.  I know it's crazy thinking but I can't leave.  And who makes those kind of decisions right away.  I was pretty much blown away with this portion of our talk.

Another positive:  It showered today & we really need the rain & the sun is out right now making everything look nice.  I think I will sit in the yard for a bit.

30 minutes ago, Missing Him31623 said:

I woke up this morning and I have people that love and support me.

Both are definite positive things.  Having people love & support you is a blessing.  

[RichS]

54 minutes ago, Missing Him31623 said:

I woke up this morning and I have people that love and support me.

Which is more important than any amount of money that you could have..............

[shawnt]

Went to grief group again , have a few things to think about.

On the positive I am sure your lilac will grow back, they have a root system that will send more shoots.It may take a few years but the usually come back thicker

[widower2]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

Positive today:  My primary upped my dosage of medication (but it makes me a bit scared to be on it).  Plus we had a long good talk.  Hope it helps me.  But she talked about me moving out of this house into something smaller like a condo with no maintenance.  It crushed me thinking I would leave this house & try to pretend that our life here never happened.  I know it's crazy thinking but I can't leave.  And who makes those kind of decisions right away.  I was pretty much blown away with this portion of our talk.

 

Example #23,2001 of why GPs should never give out psychological/life advice...and for the same reason I would not go to a grief therapist for help with a sprained elbow. 

If you don't want to move out of your home....don't. And ignore Dr Doofus. 

 

[Sheilz]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

Could you bring in a roommate and hire people to maintain your home?

An option I will consider when the time comes.  But I can't even think about things like that yet.  But if it means being able to stay here, I will do what I have to do to make it work.  Our life together was here & I'm not ready to leave that behind.  

 

5 minutes ago, widower2 said:

If you don't want to move out of your home....don't. And ignore Dr Doofus.

She's been actually very good with me except today's talk about moving.  Who can even think about things like that right now.  Plus Brian loved this house.  It was part of him & it is a small part of him that lives on.  I see him everywhere here (as sad as it makes me).  

I'm actually looking for a grief therapist but can't find one so I will start seeing a jack-of-all-trades therapist in a couple weeks.  It's all I could get & I need help so I'll take what I can get at this time.

[widower2]

You might want to try this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Enter your area, then when the list comes up, click "Issues" and click on Grief

 

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Sheilz said:

But she talked about me moving out of this house into something smaller

Have you thought about having a good handyman/yard maintenance guy? I have that in a neighbor, he gives me a break financially, for instance, last time he was here he mowed my (large) lawn, weed whacked, blew off my roof and cleaned my gutters (I'd already unplugged them), checked my trees, and cleaned my chimney...all for $80.  That is a steal! I appreciate him so much and know full well the steal I'm getting in his services. He literally makes it possible for me to live here!

9 hours ago, Sheilz said:

She's been actually very good with me except today's talk about moving.  Who can even think about things like that right now.  Plus Brian loved this house.  It was part of him & it is a small part of him that lives on.  I see him everywhere here (as sad as it makes me).  

Then respond to her that it's essential not to make rash decisions early on in grief, tell her you'll let her know in a few years! 

9 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I'm actually looking for a grief therapist but can't find one

Have you talked with your health insurance, they might have suggestions? Also ask your pastor, look for CAFA in your area as they do income based and have good ones.  I'd be scared of a "jack of all trades" one.  Thanks widowers for your suggestion!

 

Within that group (and there are many) you'd have to find out which ones specialize in grief.
Grief specialist

[KayC]

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-find-a-therapist/
https://refugeingrief.com/2020/01/07/how-to-find-a-grief-therapist/

[KayC]

Yeah, except no roomies for me please! And not so much the friends.  I nest...to the point of isolation sometimes, but I have my Kodie.

[Sheilz]

8 hours ago, Gator M said:

Women in general, tend to want to stay...they "nest" 

I definitely want to stay.  I was in the yard today (going on my positive for the day) & I felt that this will be "our" home forever.  I might change someday but don't think so.  I need Brian around me right now.  I'm just starting to talk to him a bit & cry to him a lot and I'm not sure if it's helping or not.  Probably not because I'm such a heartbroken mess. But that's what's happening now.

 

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Yeah, except no roomies for me please! And not so much the friends.  I nest...to the point of isolation sometimes,

Honestly, i don't want a roomie either.  I don't have many friends & I was pretty much content at home with Brian to the point of isolation.  I didn't need anything else.  So I don't think I would be a good roomie.  I would just isolate in my bedroom to stay out of her way.  But if it's between leaving & needing a roomie... I will consider that option.

8 hours ago, Gator M said:

The alternative will be living on a liveaboard boat or tiny home...but then I'm still alone.

OMG that sounds pretty cool actually.  And I would like being alone except when I wanted to be social.  I'm happy that you are starting to somewhat figure things out.  

19 hours ago, widower2 said:

You might want to try this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

I went on the site & picked a couple that I am going to email for a free 15 minute consult.  Thank you so much for the info.

 

12 hours ago, KayC said:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-find-a-therapist/
https://refugeingrief.com/2020/01/07/how-to-find-a-grief-therapist/

Thank you so much for these articles.  Both are excellent.  I made my notes on finding a grief therapist.  Now to narrow down the field.  

[Sheilz]

My positive for the day:  My daughter (in Florida) sent me flowers & DoorDash'ed me a meal from Chipotle.  AND.... I sat in the yard today for a bit & enjoyed the nice weather.  I live in the city but there were lots of birds chirping and I seen a black squirrel.

[KayC]

That sounds nice, Sheilz.  

[widower2]

Went to a winery with a few people today. Weather was perfect! Even got some sun, which a pasty white guy like me can always use    

[KayC]

Sounds wonderful!

[Sheilz]

My positive today:  I had a bit of Brian's ashes put in a charm on a chain and today I hung the necklace in his "baby", his '67 Belair.  It's hanging on the rearview mirror with his dice.  I'm sure he definitely approved of this & is smiling comfortably.  It made me happy also (while crying).  But it was a tender moment for us.  We had so many good times in that car cruising around & car shows.

[widower2]

Today I didn't bust on Wordle. That's the highlight of my wild and crazy life today!

[KayC]

@widower2 you got me hooked on Wordle, been about a year now!  Most of the time I get it but once I didn't make it in six tries, too many combinations it could have been.

9 hours ago, Sheilz said:

We had so many good times in that car cruising around & car shows.

My George used to belong to a car club, we'd go to the car shows, it was fun!  I'm glad you got his ashes in jewelry and got to hang it on his "baby," a good place for it!  With very special memories...

Woke up after 4 1/2 hours sleep, laid there 3 hours, nada.  I'm going to be dragging today! My positive yesterday:
Kodie found a queen mating with her drone bee INSIDE our house, when I saw them on the patio door, I closed the screen, then reached around and shoved the patio door open and they escaped! Big relief, I'm allergic to bees, don't need them in the house!