Nothing is helping!!!!!!!!!!

[rarun.ktm]

I lost my 19 yr old brother to leukemia on 19-Jan-2012.I am 21 and he was my only sibling.

He was diagnosed with leukemia 2 years ago.He was in remission after 6 months of chemo.I thought all our sufferings were over.We were just starting to build from scratch when cancer hit him again.My parents were in a broken state when they found out his cancer relapsed.I resigned my job and came home to support him.Once the chemo started he became completely bedridden.Me and my mother took care of him in turns.I never felt this close to him ever before.We used to fight a lot during our childhood.It was my responsibility to protect him.

Since my parents were mentally broken, I took charge of all the decisions regarding his treatment. On 12-dec2012 doctors told me that he is terminally ill and to make his life as comfortable as possible.But I was not ready to accept that.I shifted him back to our home town 500miles away from the hospital to start herbal medicine.For this treatment,he had to be taken of all antibiotics and steroids that were keeping him stable.I was willing to give him pain if there was the slightest chance of survival.I did it against advices of doctors and other relatives.I promised him ,I will bring him back.He trusted me and went along with the treatment.Even in his last day he wanted to live and believed that he will live.On Jan 19 2012 , while I was bathing him, his lungs collapsed due to fungal infection.He had difficulty in breathing and passed away in my hands before the doctors reached.I saw his eyes roll and heard his last breath.10 minutes after the doctors declared his death I kissed his forehead.It was cold and numb.All stages of grief went past me in a moment when I thought of my parents.I had the biggest responsibility to console them and arrange for his funeral.I didn't cry at all ,I was not numb,I knew I had to support my mother and father.I buried all my pain and put up a calm face.I succeeded in it.

I was able to fight the grief for 2 months.My parents have slowly started to recover.But I am not able to hold it in anymore .I feel like I just hit a stone wall.I am feeling hopeless.I cant sleep till 2AM at night.I sleep throughout the day.i have put on 35 pounds.I cant get his face out my mind.In my mind he has died a thousand times over, each time I see it ,It feels more real.Sometimes It feels like he is near me,I feel happy for a second and then realizes he is not there .He is gone forever.I don't have the person I loved the most.All I have is the few stitches in my head he left me.As far as I can remember he has been with me.It was always the four of us.Now its just us three.I gave him a lot of pain during his last days.I just don't know why I should live.Is the pain going to go away?Can I be happy again?Should I believe that he is gone or should I believe that his spirit is still with me?I am just pushing days one by one for my parents.

I am searching for an answer .Why should I live????

[shellyku]

Dear Sadboy - I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear brother. My 29 year old daughter died

from leukemia so I can relate. It was a brave thing you did to try and save your brother. I can tell

you that my daughter developed fungal pneumonia as a lot of leukemia patients do. Nothing

you did or did not do would have changed that. I am sorry to tell you that you cannot "hold the

grief in"...it will rear its ugly head eventually. This is a very hard road but it is one that you will

walk an inch at a time. I believe your brother's spirit is with you always, but sometimes the heavy

cloak of grief does not allow us to feel it. I am nearly two years on this road, and in some ways

some the most debilitating grief has subsided, but I'm now experiencing a heavy sadness.

We will always miss our loved one, but we can live with them in our heart and soul. I wish you

peace and comfort.