Witness to sudden loss of father

[Hemlock]

On April 4, 2012 I witnessed my father's sudden death at age 80. He had just been admitted to the hospital due to weakness and difficulty swallowing for the prior 2 wks but he was stable, cheerful and talking with me as he laid in bed. I looked away for a moment then saw his face--dilated pupils with eyes staring blankly ahead. The terror that I felt at that moment was so intense. I knew he was dead. In an instant he died and I witnessed that. He was unresponsive, was not breathing and had no pulse. I pressed the "code" button on the wall and yelled "code" into the hallway. Resuscitation efforts began but I knew that the liklihood of success was low. I saw and heard the nurses and doctors work on my father. I am a physician so I reacted to all of this as both a daughter and a doctor. It was surreal. I knew exactly what was happening and a part of me did not want him to "come back" because I knew he would be in dismal neurological condition. Then he would spend a few days in the ICU as brain death was declared so that life support could be withdrawn. He would not want that to happen. After 20 minutes one of the docs came to speak with me regarding no return of breathing or pulse. I asked to say good-bye to my father and to stop their efforts. My father had less than 1 minute of agonal breathing then stopped breathing.

An autopsy revealed heart disease.

I talked with a psychotherapist a few days ago and shared the above story. Previous to this I had not shared the details with anyone other than in writing to several friends. I was unable to speak about the incident due to the intensity of emotions. I did not want to speak with family members because I wanted the focus to remain on my mother and the loss of my father, not me. Also, I did not want my family to know the details and live with the memories that I have. I keep replaying the event--he was alive and talking with me, then he was staring off. As I looked into his eyes I knew he was dead. I grabbed his head and called his name and there was no response. He wasn't supposed to die then, not on the very night he was admitted for testing and further medical management. Bam, he was gone.

The last few wks have felt dream-like. I am stunned, shocked and numb, as well as very sad. I do see blessings in the way he died--instantly, painlessly (I hope) and in my presence. He did not experience a prolonged hospital stay. He did not experience deterioration of his health nor knowledge that death was imminent. He did not die in front of my mother or while driving. He did not die alone in the hospital. And he had a good life.

Death and grief are well-known to me both with my career and with the death of a close friend a few yrs ago. The emotional intensity of seeing him die, witness the CPR process, and then saying good-bye bothers me so much. His eyes. Where IS he now?

TY for reading my words. I need to keep sharing my feelings and thoughts. I know that things will get better.

[San Andreas]

My sympathy for your loss. I cannot tell you that I know how you feel, as no one can ever know how someone else is feeling. But I can understand that you are suffering terrible grief and a million emotions.

Our situation is somewhat similar. My 80 year old father died 2 weeks ago, in my arms. It wasn't sudden and unexpected like your father however. My father, who had been an active, healthy man 2 months earlier, was diagnosed with a very aggressive renal cancer. There was nothing they could do, so he was in hospice with a week or less to live. Having a do no resuscitate order, I did not have to witness what you did. That must have been horrible for your. Instead, when I saw he was slipping away, I held him until he was gone before contacting the nurses.

It seems to me that we learn early in life that there are certain ways we are supposed to act when there is a death. One of these is to Be Strong for others. I feel that you, trying to supress your own needs in order to be strong for your mother, and have the focus on her loss are doing just that. Your grief and needs may be different than hers, but they are very real, and no less important because he was only your father and not your husband. Your mother and other relative must surely understand that you are hurting too. I can fully understand where you would not want to go into the details of his death with them. But if you feel you need to talk about it, you can surely find a friend, cousin.... who will be glad to listen.

I wish I had more advice to give you. A magic wand to wave it all away. But unfortunately life doesn't work like that. We will both need to find the grieving method we feel works best for us, and hopefully will be surrounded by friends and family who will support us (((HUGS))) SA

[Hemlock]

San Andreas,

Thank you for your kind words, and in the midst of your own grief. I am glad that you were with your father when he died. You provided the comfort he needed in order to let go.

This Friday is my father's birthday and one month since he died. He was such a life force that is does not seem possible for him to be gone.

Grief is a long process with no end. It's like being in the ocean and getting caught up in waves. That first wave was massive and there will always be waves coming along, but they will be smaller.

[debbie8800]

Hi Hemlock, sorry for your loss, it takes several weeks to get back to semi normal. I lost my mom 5 months ago. She had parkinsons for years. I miss her so much, she was my best friend.. I had to join a grief support group. I am in a masters program and have a difficult class right now.

I understand what your going through, i saw my mom in the hospital in a somewhat toxic shock type of thing, she caught mrsa and pneumonia in the nursing home and i was furious. My best friend is gone forever. there are no words.

God bless you and the rest of us. I am hoping to visit her birth place scotland and then maybe move to florida, who knows.

[pip22]

I'm so sorry for the loss. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be there but on the lighter side of it, it must have been a good thing that you where there with him, even if it was the final moments. I was hundreds of miles from my Dad when he passed away unlike my Mum and Brother who where in the room with him. He was quietly watching the tv with my younger brother when he took a heart attack out f the blue, 50 years young too. I don't think I would have had the strength to hold it together that so many of you have had if I had personally been there but my mum often talks about how she was glad it was sudden and she was there for him in those final minutes.

Keep sharing and stay strong, thoughts are with you.