Members lightlost183 Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 My daughter was born and passed away April 14, 2012. I was 22 weeks and 6 days pregnant with her. I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, so we were very excited, the whole family was. I thought Abby Lynn was going to be my miracle baby, but turns out I also have an incompetent cervix along with everything else. I feel like I've let everyone down and that I didn't do enough for my daughter...I'm doing all I can to stay strong for my family members and my husband right now, but honestly, underneath everything I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and myself. I had all of these plans and was just so damn happy, and now she's gone and taken it all with her. I want her back so badly it hurts, and every time my husband and I are alone I cry. He wants to know what he can do, but what can I say to that? What can he do that will bring our baby back? Nothing...and I'm so sorry to make him feel more helpless. I love him. I want our marriage to be okay after all of this. I want us to be happy again at some point. We haven't even gone back to the apartment we were living in except to grab clothes...we're staying with family. I feel like everyone is so loving and supportive, but I just don't want them around. At the same time I don't want to be alone to see her image in my head...and I feel guilty for that too. She was so beautiful, but I hate to see her so still, so...quiet. She never even made a sound. 24 hours I held on after my water broke to buy more time...so we could make it to 23 weeks and they could give me the damn steroids because then her lungs would be a little further on. But she came anyway. I'm so angry that I fought so hard, and we still lost her. I don't want to keep asking why, but I want to know, and I know no one can tell me. I just want to stop, but I know I can't do that...I want to make my daughter proud, show her I'm strong, but sometimes it's just so fucking hard. I guess I want to know what to say to people to just leave me alone. They keep asking me if I'm okay...I'm not okay. I wish they'd stop asking me that. Or just stop saying "You're young. You can try again." Try again and fail again? Make a life only to have it feel pain as my body rejects it? I don't just want another baby anyway...I want her. She was my beautiful little baby girl. The worst part is not knowing what parts of my anger and sadness are actually grief or just more fucked up hormones. I guess mostly I just want to vent...to cry...to miss her and not have anybody saying "It'll be okay. You'll have children someday." Is that so wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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