trying to let go

[smsimpson11]

My Mother passed away December 24th at 5pm at home in her bed with Lung Cancer. She was told 8 months prior, she lived in Southern New york and was going the the Roswell Institute. My Mohther was only 53yrs old. I live in Indiana and spent 8 months traveling back and forth every 3 weeks to help my father and younger sister. Three weeks is an eternity with 4th stage lung cancer everytime i would drive home it got worse and worse. She decided to take an experimental drug which actually helped a little with the tumor in her lung but then the side effects took a turn for the worse, then she could take almost nothing just let it eat her away, no quality of life during her last months just pain, she did not want to die in the hospital she wanted to be home. We held up her wishes but i will have nightmares for the rest of my life, it was the most tragic experience i have ever had, the only pain that could rival this is if something happened to my child. I lost the only person on this planet that understood me, that could deal with my closed off emotions and personality. Nobody has ever been able to do this for me but her. Im a rock, she was my rock. I went through anger, rage, sadness, and then just numbness. I have thrown myself into my career trying to carry on with my life sometimes if i keep myself busy enough i can get through a day or two without thinking about her, but there is always something that triggers then all of a sudden i find myself in a panic, maybe not really panic just a heart stopping pain and sadness. I dont know so much happened to much to write now, but i needed to get this out somewhere, with people who dont know me that have experienced the same thing. I cant take any more "if there is anything i can do" and "i am sorry" and people crying for me even though i cant cry for myself. I dont know where to go from here.

[kim4674]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father to state 4 lung cancer last week, April 16th; he lived for 3 years after a diagnosis of 3-6 months. He used to tell me "our cup runneth over", but it was still a punch in the gut when I lost him; he was my best friend and we talked most every day even though I live in FL and he lived in AZ. I saw him 3 weeks before he passed and then the weekend before he passed; it was like a movie: he asked me to come right away, told me he'd been waiting for me, talked to me for a while, and then slipped into a morphine induced sleep. He was on home hospice with my sister but only lasted 5 days like that; before I left for FL I sat with him and told him many things, one of which was that he'd suffered enough and that it was time to go. My sister and I even contemplated giving him a little too much morphine because we couldn't stand to see him like he was and he asked for it before he lost consciousness, but we couldn't do it. That night he pulled out his oxygen and passed with a small smile on his face. He suffered a lot with his cancer and fought it hard; I knew it was time for him and knew it would be hard but still wasn't prepared for the hole his loss would leave. He used to tell me that he felt horrible and his best times were when he was talking to me; heck, I have the last text he sent me on my birthday (April 6th) where he told me he remembered the day I was born and that it was a big day in his life. I think about him all the time and expect him to text me; his loss is enormous in my small family; in many ways he was the glue that held things together and even though he's only been gone 11 days the family has already started to fall apart. I'm glad I have my sister, we talk every day and she is taking his death as hard as me. He was really concerned toward the end with what kind of father he was, and though we definitely had our ups and downs we made peace with that; as I was growing up he took me everywhere and rejoiced in my accomplishments as well as picked me up in hard times. I am a testament to the enormous impact fathers can have on their daughters and every man whose daughter grieves for him like I grieve for my father did his job as a father. We have much in common: my father was also the only person in the world that really understood me and I feel completely lost without him. I also try to focus on my career; at least if I'm focused on work the grief lets up a little. For now I just take it day to day because I know he wants me to move on, but I feel like a piece of me is gone forever.

[smsimpson11]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father to state 4 lung cancer last week, April 16th; he lived for 3 years after a diagnosis of 3-6 months. He used to tell me "our cup runneth over", but it was still a punch in the gut when I lost him; he was my best friend and we talked most every day even though I live in FL and he lived in AZ. I saw him 3 weeks before he passed and then the weekend before he passed; it was like a movie: he asked me to come right away, told me he'd been waiting for me, talked to me for a while, and then slipped into a morphine induced sleep. He was on home hospice with my sister but only lasted 5 days like that; before I left for FL I sat with him and told him many things, one of which was that he'd suffered enough and that it was time to go. My sister and I even contemplated giving him a little too much morphine because we couldn't stand to see him like he was and he asked for it before he lost consciousness, but we couldn't do it. That night he pulled out his oxygen and passed with a small smile on his face. He suffered a lot with his cancer and fought it hard; I knew it was time for him and knew it would be hard but still wasn't prepared for the hole his loss would leave. He used to tell me that he felt horrible and his best times were when he was talking to me; heck, I have the last text he sent me on my birthday (April 6th) where he told me he remembered the day I was born and that it was a big day in his life. I think about him all the time and expect him to text me; his loss is enormous in my small family; in many ways he was the glue that held things together and even though he's only been gone 11 days the family has already started to fall apart. I'm glad I have my sister, we talk every day and she is taking his death as hard as me. He was really concerned toward the end with what kind of father he was, and though we definitely had our ups and downs we made peace with that; as I was growing up he took me everywhere and rejoiced in my accomplishments as well as picked me up in hard times. I am a testament to the enormous impact fathers can have on their daughters and every man whose daughter grieves for him like I grieve for my father did his job as a father. We have much in common: my father was also the only person in the world that really understood me and I feel completely lost without him. I also try to focus on my career; at least if I'm focused on work the grief lets up a little. For now I just take it day to day because I know he wants me to move on, but I feel like a piece of me is gone forever.

[smsimpson11]

Thank you for writing, I know exactly how you feel. I dont share much of this with other family members my sister is great but very emotional and my father is lost its so hard to show my grief with them because i feel the need to make it better. I just feel alone, I am married with a son and have many aunts and uncles but cant seem to relate with them on this. It's been 4 months since my mother passed you will go through a range of emotions if your capable get them out I dont recommend keeping them in. I have even felt guilt over not being there as much as i should thinking i could have done something even though there was nothing, anger, huge amounts of anger wondering how such a wonderful caring person could be taken from this world while so many terrible people still remain. Then just nothing, black void like you said a part is gone forever. I have been searching for a way for peace or closure i guess, i dont have a faith many of my aunts do and they said that helps them but i have been having trouble putting in those terms. I hope you can find your peace.

[Mrssumr]

HI Shannon,

I can totally relate I lost my Mom 9 days after being diagnosed with what they think was lung caner( never confirmed the primary source) that spread to her bone. It's been 15 weeks and I cry each and every day. It's not fair. I think about all the bad people in this world who get to live their lives while my beautiful mother was taken from me and my kids and everyone who loved her. My Mom's doctor said in the 40 years of practice he always sees the " good ones" taken by cancer. Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel. Wish I had some words of wisdom but I have no clue. I just work through my grief sometimes day by day sometimes hour by hour. I have learned you can't really go around it. Praying for you and sending HUGS your way!