Members Kate Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 On Jan 1, 2012, I lost my mom to stage four lung cancer after only 4.5 months. I moved out on my own in March (my dad is kind of toxic and I couldn't be around him). My boyfriend just moved out for awhile to take a new job and I'm on the edge. My only "family" here is my best friend, who as of the last several months has been less focused on school and only cares about partying and drinking and going out with her loser friends that don't have jobs or any real motivation in life (we're all 26). I've stayed away from the party scene because its been a bit of a problem in my past. I'm a bit of an overachiever a lot of people say..... but in the past, I've covered up my stress from being a young business owner and full time student by drinking. So, Ive stayed away from alcohol since my mom passed.The thing is... I'm on my own. I keep booking these trips out of the country and I feel better when Im out of the country...like if I run for a little while and I'm not in the same place, the problems don't exist. But then I have to come home. And the only person who cared about my hopes and my dreams and supported me is gone and I miss her so much. I spent Easter alone because I was so incredibly sick. I had offers to spend it with my dad, my best friends family and my boyfriends family but in the end I was so sick I slept through it. Now the four month anniversary of her death is looming and I just don't feel any better than I did months ago.This time last year she was hiking 5 miles with my sister. In july, her hip basically collapsed and in August she had to have a replacement and thats when they found out a cancer tumor had caused the demise of her hip and was also in her lung. By Sept. it had spread so fast and she was hospitalized in October as it spread to her brain and spine. I would have taken a leave of absence from school- it was too much. Every morning I'd wake up with her, go back to bed once she was settled, sleep a few hours, get up and work for myself with my company, come home, take care of her, talk, make her dinner and then by or 9 I had to leave her alone so I could get online to do homework. Id fall asleep around 1 or 2, getting back up around 4 when I'd hear her get up to go to the bathroom b/c I didn't want her to fall and make sure she had everything she needed. You know what I can't forgive myself for? Those 4-5 hours I spent doing a not so great job on my homework. I'm in a really hard business program and I should have taken a leave of absence and spent those nights watching movies and being with her but I didn't. I was spread to thin and now that chance is gone and she's dead. I loved her more than anyone in the world. In 2009, I was finally put on the right treatment for bipolar disorder and finally wasn't suicidal anymore. I've been fine since her death. Now....honestly.... I'm not suicidal but I'd wish I were dead too if I didn't have my dogs. They're the only things keeping me going. I'm traveling, going back to school in the fall, keeping myself busy with my move, working on music, but at night...now I'm alone. And no one gets it. I'm 26 and the sister I'm close to is eight hours away. My boyfriend is an hour away, my best friend is more concerned with partying and that just leaves me. My whole life I've taken care of everyone else and I've had my mom and she took care of me and I took care of her when she needed it...now I need a support system and its not there.The icing on the cake is that I'm trying to switch doctors b/c my current one always cancels but I need a copy of my records so I can switch. I got canceled on again today. I'm trying to create a support system with a new therapist, I know I can't do this alone, but I also feel like I'm so young to be going through this much absolute **** and I just wonder... is anyone else? For me, its not a day at a time. Its an hour at a time. And my heart is so beyond broken that I don't feel like I'll survive this heartache.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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