Members Mrs.RTH Posted April 23, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 23, 2012 My mom is dying of cancer in hospice care right now and I am 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby and her first grandchild. We found out she was dying three weeks after we found out I was pregnant. The whole reason my husband and I moved up our timeline to have a baby was so my mom would get to see her grandchild. She was supposed to still have a few years left, but two days before Christmas we got the news that the cancer had spread, gone from slow-growing to fast-growing and there was nothing they could do anymore. I was hoping she would live to see her grandbaby, but unless there is a major miracle that isn't going to happen. I'm not due until August 3rd and my mom has really started to go downhill this past week. She can't stand or walk anymore, she's having bad lymph swelling (one of the places the cancer spread) and her cognition has been getting worse. Today she couldn't remember how to do anything or follow simple instructions or explainations. She's had an colostomy for a few years. Yesterday she remembered how to empty and change her pouch no problem. Today she couldn't remember how to do any of it and couldn't follow or understand basic instructions on how to do it. She also wasn't able to follow simple conversations or form coherent thoughts or sentences. I noticed the last few days she only eats a few bites of food at each meal. Since she's going down hill so rapidly I'm guessing we're in the last weeks here. Watching my mom dying has really taken a lot of joy out of my pregnancy. Had I known she was this sick already I would never have chosen to get pregnant when I did. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with losing my mom and then having a baby a couple months later. On top of that, we found out at our 20 week ultrasound that our baby has birth defects (a cleft lip and palate) that will make feeding difficult and require 7-10 surgeries and therapy to fix. So I'm going to have to deal with taking care of a special needs newborn (and I have never taken care of a newborn before) at the same time as I'm dealing with the grief of losing my mom with only a two or three month gap in between the two events. I don't know how to deal with all that at once. Since stress is bad for the baby i've been coping by just not thinking about it because when I do it sends me into a downward spiral or grief and depression. But once she's gone "just not thinking about it" isn't really possible. Especially since stumbling through the new experience of motherhood myself will be a constant reminder that my own mom is no longer there. Giving birth to your baby should be a joyful event and mine will be tainted with sadness since my mom won't be there. I just want to have that unbridled joy of a new baby that everyone else has. I'm an only child so I don't have any siblings to turn to for support and my dad is really struggling with his own grief. My husband was supportive for the first few weeks after we found out my mom was dying, but now he just gets irritated with my depression (another reason to cope by just not thinking about it) and thinks I shouldn't be affected by this until she actually dies. I have a few friends that are pretty supportive and have offered to help me any way they can. But one of my best friends has never even bothered to ask me how I'm doing or how my mom is doing. She almost lost her father a year ago and just had a baby herself so I would think she would be somewhat sympathetic. I know some people aren't comfortable talking about death, but even if I bring something up about my mom or how I'm struggling with this, she just ignores it and changes the subject. The other day I mentioned I might cancel my baby shower because my mom has gotten a lot worse this past week and I think she's probably going to die before my shower is scheduled. I don't think I'll feel up for a baby shower just a couple weeks after she passes. All my friend said in response is "you could just have a shower after he is born instead". Not "how is your mom doing?" or "how are you holding up" or "I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, let me know if you need anything". The lack of support really hurts and makes it harder to deal with all of this. Has anyone else had to deal with losing a parent while pregnant? How did you cope with everything? Sorry this is so long, I just had to get everything out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.