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losing my daddy


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hello everyone. And yes this is my first time ever doing this. However, my situation is a little different. I lost my daddy unexpectedly on February 23, 2012. I called him dad-but he was not my biological father. I was not raised by my biological parents. My mother was 14 and my father was 18(it was a one-night stand). My maternal grandmother started to raise me when i was just 8 days old. I was 4 years old when she got together with a man named Joe. He was 20 years her junior. That man took me into his household as if i were his own. He worked and provided food and clothing and shelter for me. Most of all he gave me love. Many people did not know i was not his biological daughter. I used to call him by his name until i was about 10 years old and i called him "daddy." He never once told me i was not his child to not call him that-he welcomed it. I never called him by his name again. I married in 1996 to my husband. My dad was still an enormous part of my life. I had my son in 1997 and then my daddy became my sons "papa joe". My dad was so proud. My daughter followed in 2001. She became my daddy's creation. He spoiled and loved my children as if they were his blood just like he did me-if not more. In 2005, after 26 years of marriage, mom and dad divorced. I was literally disowned by my blood family for maintaining a relationship with my dad. That same year I married my husband again-but thru the church. My mom had nothing to do with it. My dad had everything to do with it up to going with me for fittings and choosing my wedding gown. My dad walked me down the aisle and he was so proud. He never said it-but i could see it. In 2009 dad started to go back and forth from his country to the US every 3 months. This last time he came it had been 5 months-and literally went straight into the hospital. He would stay with a nephew when he came back to the states. Dad died 2 days later. He had an anurism in his stomach. There was nothing they could do. I could literally feel my heart break and go empty. I did not get a chance to say goodbye and thank him for making me who i am today. I miss him desperately. The first week all i wanted to do was be alone and sleep in hopes that he would come to me in my dreams. I have not yet to dream him. I want to know if he still loved me when he died. People say he is with you-if that is so how come i do not feel him?? I have started to see a counselor at the university that i go to in hopes this will get better. That is actually part one. Part 2 is that when it came to making funeral arrangements his brother whom he had no contact with-wanted to take charge of everything-but for all the wrong reasons. Daddy died intestate. When i would put some suggestions in his brother and sister law would constantly remind me that i was no one and that i was not blood so i had no say so. Ironically, my husband paid for 3/4 of the funeral and burial back to his country-dad did not have life insurance either-he was only 55. i am now having to go to battle with his brother over his estate. This is devastating. I believe that daddy's death has consumed me. I have no interest in nothing. I am 20 hours away from completing my bachelor's degree and cannot focus. I do not know how to go on. He was a part of my life for 33 years and i simply do not know how to let go. I wish I had just 5 minutes with him to tell him i loved him and just to hear him tell me i would be ok. If anyone can tell me what to do-your suggestions are well appreciated.

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