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I can't believe she's gone...


Krystlex

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I lost my mom last month to lung cancer. She was diagnosed in December and started chemo in January. It was like once she started chemo, who she was died. She got really sick and was hospitalized twice. We ran ragged trying to take care of her and having moved away to CT 2 years ago, the hour distance was tough.

I got a call from my sister late one night that her husband had to call 911 because my mom was coughing up blood and passed out. Well turns out, she passed out because she was going into shock from internal bleeding. Unfortunately we didn't get any better of any answer. EMTs tried to do CPR and AED but couldn't do anything for her.

This has been the toughest thing I have ever gone through. And until tonight, I have felt fine. I don't understand. It was like I had prepared myself for this when she was diagnosed so it wasn't a total shock yet it was completely sudden. I guess it has just been a feeling of numbness? Tonight that has started wearing off and I just keep crying. I am only 24 and I was so used to her being there for everything. I am getting married in October and she was supposed to walk me down the aisle. I am lucky enough to have siblings that are all semi-close enough to support one another but I also feel so alone.

I know my thoughts are a bit scrambled I just don't know exactly how to express the chaos of emotions running through me. My mom was my rock, my mentor, my best friend. She was not also my mother but my father too. To lose all of that in one night without warning really destroys a world.

How do you get through this?

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Krystle,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no idea how to get through this I wish I had some words of wisdom. I lost my Mom to what they believe was lung cancer that spread to her bone 13 weeks ago. She died 9 days after diagnosis. We barely had time to think about this devastating diagnosis and my beautiful Mom was gone. I don't think we can ever really prepare. Like your Mom, my Mom was also be very best friend, my companion, and my world really did revolve around her and my children. We have been close all my life. My siblings all live 7+ hours away but I am the baby and I always stuck close to my Mom. I feel a part of me died with her. I still cry everyday and I have no idea when that will end. Some things that have helped a little is I go to a grief support group at my Mom's church. It's been really great to be around other people that can understand the pain I feel. I also write in a journal and I talk to my Mom that helps. It also really helps to come here and read other stories and talk about my Mom. I will be praying for you!

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Mrssumr.

Thank you for the thoughts! I always talk to my mom but I can't help constantly replaying the sight of walking into the hospital room after racing an hour home after the call. I also constantly trying to imagine how it could have happened that night and what she must have felt like. Was it quick, was she in pain, etc? It kills me to know we weren't there but I believe she did it that way purposely. It i tough with my young niece and 2 nephews because my niece is the only one who truly understands. When we told my nephew she went to heaven, he asked how long she had to stay there, Aw. Monday would have been 53rd birthday so I am trying to prepare for a really tough day.

I haven't managed to find anything support groups in my area and don't know if I would be able to handle it. I am lucky enough that my sister and 2 brothers are all within an hour drive back to MA so the support is there, we're just not always the most open family I guess..

I am so sorry to hear about your mother; having only 9 days is tough! I thought only 16 weeks with her after diagnosis was tough but I couldn't imagine just over a week later. My mom had stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to the liver, adrenal gland and spine and the tumor on one of her lungs was so large it collapsed one of her lobes.

The good part is that they are now finally getting their rest peacefully and won't suffer; though we're the ones left behind to suffer through the grief. Again, thank you for the prayers, you and your family will also be in mine!

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Hi Krystle,

I really do know how you feel because I've been feeling the same way ever since my dad passed away from brain cancer about 3 months ago. The first week or so , I also felt "fine" and I didn't really understand why I wasn't feeling so terrible. But, I've quickly learned that it all comes crashing in at some time. I hate to say this, but I feel like its getting worse. The first month or so, yes you are completely numb and really have no clue what is going on around you. But then the next weeks, months and years come by and you have no choice but to keep going. I feel as miserable as you do, crying and screaming all the time. Just asking how this could of happened and why??? I wish I could tell you something that would make us all feel better. But someone told me who lost her husband, said there's only one way to go through this. You can't go around it or try to run away from it. You have to go through it all the way. Let yourself cry and feel the way you are feeling. Hopefully time will heal us all, that's what they all say even though it seems impossible to imagine. keep writing xo

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Krystie -

I have to agree on the numb part. It's been a little over a month since my mother passed and I feel that my walls are cracking. I'm having a harder time getting out of bed in the mornings. Once I am up and moving and going through the day, I am ok. However, if there is a lull in activity, I have a hard time. Keeping busy helps, talking helps too. Sometimes juts having my husband there, rubbing my back when I cry is what I need at that time. Find what works.

Keeping a journal or diary helps for the times when I can't talk to a person. If I have thoughts or memories I need to get out -right then- I use the journal.

I am also seeing a therapist, if you have the ability to do this, please do. I will recommend it to anyone.

I am so sorry for your loss! Sending positive thoughts, prayers and good vibes to you.

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I think I'm starting to crack too. Lost my mom April 1 due to Alzheimer's. I was fine the first week-I thought "well she is at peace at last" and I was happy for her. Starting 3 days ago, I feel like I have no energy, just want to sleep or lie in bed, Sunday afternoon I just laid there and cried and hugged my dog. I'm so sorry to everyone for your losses. It physically hurts. And the rest of my family seem to just be moving along. I was the one who took care of her and for me, half of my life is gone now.

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I'm so sorry for your pain and loss....grief is such a tough deal...and sometimes can hit you when you least expect it. There are those times like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. that you kind of expect. But then, there are those times when out of the blue something triggers those waves of loss... a changing season, a song on the radio, or just a random thing you see. It's hard....

I hope you can eventually connect with a support group. Getting there might be the hardest part, but you may find comfort in being able to process through the emotions and stages of grief you'll experience. I think many churches and maybe even library/community centers offer grief support groups. Also, I've used the counseling support from my work (Focus on the Family) and it has been good for me. They offer professional counselors who will talk to you (at no cost) over the phone. Anyway...if you think that might be helpful, the number is 855-771-4357.

Hang in there! I will pray that today for you is filled with special memories that bring great joy. Hugs!

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sadgirl1938

Krystal i lost my mom today in 07. its so hard. there is no magic answer or anything. i just cried my heart out every day over mom and still some days i still cry. today i am sure will be one of them.

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agrees with 3 kids and a dog. Prayers and comfort for you. I am in a grief support group and it helps alot to hear other stories makes your pain lessen a bit. Time also helps, its been 6 months since my mom passed. I have to carry on.

Sending healing prayers to you.

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Krystle:

I lost my mom 6 months ago also. She was my best friend. Time helps alot, i still miss her to pieces. I am in Nj and i thinkk i want to go to florida or something.

That is wonderful you are getting married. I know it won't be the same without your mom who was both mom and dad as mine was also.

I will pray for you.

Debbie

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