How much time

[onerugrat]

I lost my husband 4 years ago and for the most part I survive. I have moved on but I still feel the hurt. Sometimes I feel it will never go away. It seems as if the guilt and pain just play games in my heart and head. Since this tradegy I have lost my father to cancer in which seemed so much easier. My son in the army was hit with an IED in Afghanastan and hospitalized for a time. He has recovered but will be permantly disabled and wont be able to follow his dreams. Sad part is i truly believe if his dad were with us he would never had joined the army. Then my 20 year old daughter struggles with it as well. She also feel the guilt even though I tell her its not her fault. We can cry together but it does not go away for either of us.

I sometimes just want to give up myself and just hide. I know that is not possible because I am only 50 and still have to work and go on to pay bills. Ugh when will I truly be over this!!!! I used to come to this site quite often but I stopped posting and just tried to keep busy just to cope.

[ModKonnie]

Onerugrat,

I am so sorry for your tragedies and ongoing struggles. I would strongly recommend you seek professional help to help you sort through all the emotional trauma you have recently suffered. A professional would be able to make some suggestions and recommendations to guide and help you move forward in a positive manner. Also, we are glad you have decided to come back here. Have you thought about journaling your emotions or joining a self-help grief and loss group? We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[widower2]

Hi orr,

I am so sorry for your loss. A few thoughts:

No, you're right, it will never "go away." Nor will you ever be totally "over this." That's the bad news. The good news is that this doesn't mean it has to dominate or ruin your life. You can learn to live with this and "move on" and have a life worth living, and even be happy, overall, despite the loss.

I think of it this way. The pain of the loss is like this huge damned boulder you are forced to carry around. But over time it should get smaller and become much more "portable" ie bearable - the intense anguish should give way to a pain which is still there but not so intense or "scorching." In short, manageable. At this point I certainly hope this is the case for you now vs when it was all much newer and recent. Of course as is often the case there are complications outside of the loss itself - in your case your son most of all it appears. Again I'm sorry. But as hard as this is, I believe it is manageable (again easier said than done, I know).

Guilt is also extremely common. Believe me, I'm one of the crowned kings of it, and deservedly so. Just make sure it's deserved and you aren't beating yourself up unfairly - very easy to do.

Hang in there! You can weather this.