I'm Still So Sad

[shea19]

I'm new here and I don't quite know what to say. My only child, a 37 yr. old daughter, died on October 19, 2011. I kissed her goodnight, told her I loved her, and when I went to wake her in the morning, she had passed on. It was hysteria. I was screaming for help and all the time knowing she was gone even though she was still warm. We called 911 and the operator kept telling me to turn her over and put my foot in her chest and do compressions. She fell out of the bed as I tried to turn her and we could not get her turned over. The paramedics arrived and I stood in the corner until they asked me to leave the room.

My daughter suffered with a serious case of bipolar disorder. Her meds did not always work and she had rapid cycling bipolar. The night before she passed we all knew something was wrong but she refused to go to the hospital. The plan was that my brother and I were taking her to her outpatient group that she attended each morning for 2 hours to find out what they could do to help. We never made it to that meeting. I feel guilty. I should have done something, anything, and she would be here now. The Death Certificate states she died of a Polypharmicuetical Overdose, meaning she died from an overdose of her meds prescribed by her psychiatrist. I had given her the last dose of her meds before she died. I feel as if I killed her. We had checked her meds and knew she was not taking her meds right, forgetting them and doubling up on them by mistake, or just taking them at the wrong time. I had gotten her pill holder straightened out and then gave her night time meds. I don't know what to do. I fel I am being punished for something horrible I must have done in my life.

My daughter was raised by me, being abandoned by her father at age 4. He completely disappeared from everyone's life about 10 years ago while working in Russia. I couldn't even get in touch with him to notify him of her death. She had me and my family as most of her father's family abandoned her also. Her life was a very sad life after the bipolar got so bad in her twenties. She had no friends, spent each day with me, and was on disability due to the severity of her illness. She never let on that she was unhappy and brought me great joy. I am so miserable without her. I know my life will never be the same. I try to take care of what I need to do but I am in a fog and just going through the motions.

The lives of those around me are going on as normal while I am stuck in this nightmare of knowing I will never see my child again until I get to Heaven and that seems so far away. I can't hate God because I need Him more than ever. I feel scared of everything because now I know that the most horrible things can happen in the blink oof an eye. I wake up and don't want to face another day without her in it. How do I go on. People are tired of my sadness so I pretend to be okay. Then I am exhausted by the charade and go to bed at 6pm just to get the day over with.

What can I do to get thru this. I feel like I am slowly dying.

Shea's mama

[mikesmum]

Kathryn ~ I wish there were words that could be spoken that would ease your pain and give you the answers to the unanswerable questions.

We trust in the professionals that 'understand' these medical conditions and follow the advice with medications and appointments. Sometimes for whatever reason the medications collide, the conditions spiral out of control and we are left to wonder what more could we have done.

Being on your own with your daughter is hard. Its a struggle at the best of times, but when you face the added circumstance of bi-polar its even harder.

My son Micheal died in Jan 2007. From his early 20's he went through many surgeries to try and stem the deterioration of the cartledges in his body. He had surgeries on his legs, a cage to stablise his spine and on top of that he had a pacemaker for an arrythmia. The surgeries and ongoing deterioration saw him in much pain. Under the guidance of his doctor he began pain management. The long term affects saw him treated for depression. His death certificate is similar to your daughters. Death due to Polypharmacy Overdose, the main drug being oxycodiene, oxycontin.

You describe the past years for me. Wondering what I did wrong, putting on a brave face so others feel better, missing my son who had lost many friends due to his illness.

It will soften I promise. The rawness of the grief gradually eases. You will find yourself thinking of a time a memory of Shea that will make you smile...hold onto that.

There are many who understand your grief posting in Loss of an Adult Child... While each of us has our own story, but we are similar in many ways. We love our children, our children are much more than their last day.

I am so sorry you have had such a hard time....please share Shea's story when you can, her life, your love for her.

Trudi ~ Mikes mum

[shea19]

Kathryn ~ I wish there were words that could be spoken that would ease your pain and give you the answers to the unanswerable questions.

We trust in the professionals that 'understand' these medical conditions and follow the advice with medications and appointments. Sometimes for whatever reason the medications collide, the conditions spiral out of control and we are left to wonder what more could we have done.

Being on your own with your daughter is hard. Its a struggle at the best of times, but when you face the added circumstance of bi-polar its even harder.

My son Micheal died in Jan 2007. From his early 20's he went through many surgeries to try and stem the deterioration of the cartledges in his body. He had surgeries on his legs, a cage to stablise his spine and on top of that he had a pacemaker for an arrythmia. The surgeries and ongoing deterioration saw him in much pain. Under the guidance of his doctor he began pain management. The long term affects saw him treated for depression. His death certificate is similar to your daughters. Death due to Polypharmacy Overdose, the main drug being oxycodiene, oxycontin.

You describe the past years for me. Wondering what I did wrong, putting on a brave face so others feel better, missing my son who had lost many friends due to his illness.

It will soften I promise. The rawness of the grief gradually eases. You will find yourself thinking of a time a memory of Shea that will make you smile...hold onto that.

There are many who understand your grief posting in Loss of an Adult Child... While each of us has our own story, but we are similar in many ways. We love our children, our children are much more than their last day.

I am so sorry you have had such a hard time....please share Shea's story when you can, her life, your love for her.

Trudi ~ Mikes mum

Trudi,

Thank you so much for replying to my post. It is good to hear from a parent that has experienced what I am going through and understands how I feel. Knowing that I will begin to remember the good times helps me to understand that I will not be stuck in this hell forever. I am so sorry about the loss of your son and the circumstances of his passing. It just feels that there is no fairness in this suffering. Our children suffered and we are left behind to suffer. I can put no rhymn or reason to it all. Maybe God never expects us to understand while on this earth. I have faith that one day I will face our Lord and he will explain it to me. Meanwhile I wil continue on my path of healing and hopefully see my daughter's smile again in my memories. Right now all I can see is her lying on that floor and me not knowing what to do to save her.

[Susie_q512]

Shea's Mom - I am so very sorry for your daughter's passing and the sorrow and devastation that you are now living. This is a terrible and dark road that we find ourselves on, and we often question how we are supposed to survive it. We ponder how our shattered hearts continue to beat? Or how our lungs can continue to draw in yet another jagged and painful breath? My daughter was killed in a car accident just over 6 months ago. She was 16 years old, and the light of my life. There are so many strong emotions that we face initially: shock, disbelief, denial, anger, sorrow and pain that we never knew existed, and hopelessness. We find ourselves tossed about without any control over it. It seems as though we died too, and now we are just what I call the "living dead". When we lose a child, we lose so much....we lose them and their future, we lose that precious relationship, we lose ourselves and the future we had envisioned, we often lose friends and sometimes close family members as well. Others do not understand and often distance themselves from us. We see others continuing on with their lives when ours have come to a standstill. We seek out those who have experienced this great loss in hope of finding understanding, love and support.....someone who can help us find our footing on this new path we walk. I am glad that you found your way to us. I am still new to this "new life", but there are many others here who have traveled this road much longer than us. They will reach out to you with the compassion, understanding and support that you need. Please post in the Loss of an Adult Child forum. It is much more active, and you will be able to communicate daily with others who know and understand exactly where you are and what you are going through. My heart to you as you try to find your way.

[Jilly's mom]

Shea's mama.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are still new to the great Sadness. I lost my 19 year old daughter Jilly in a car accident about a month after you lost yours. It is normal and natural to feel what you are feeling. It sounds like you were very involved in your daughters life. You did not kill her, nor are you being punished...any more than I am for letting my daughter go out that evening. I have come to the belief that it was simply her time to go, her work on Earth was done and God allowed her to come home instead of facing the hardships (and joys) of growing old. It is the only thing that keeps me sane, thinking of her passing so quickly. There was nothing you could do at that point, you did all you could. Although our children no longer feel any pain, and can only know the greatest LOVE there is, it still hurts that we can't see them, touch them and hug them every day. The pain comes in cycles....some days I feel numb, others it comes up behind me with no warning and kicks my butt! I have to believe that they are with God, safe and sound, awaiting our arrival to the place where everything is absolutely perfect. This site has given me more therapy than anyone else possibly could, because we all are traveling the same road.....maybe different paths, and different experiences, but we all know the heart ache of losing a child. Keep talking to us.

Louise, Jilly's mom