what NOT to say to someone grieving

[dhathc00]

I am new here, but I cannot find a good place to direct people who with all good intentions still say the wrong thing to us. I am sure many of you have had people that you know didn't want to hurt you,, actually cause you great pain by what they said. I thought it would be a good idea if we posted these "mistakes" so as if to make a list that we could if nothing else just show those that care about us so as we don't hurt each other. I have just put a few here now but I hope you will add to the list. A brief reason why it was so painful might be helpful as well. Since most of the time these people are truly trying to help it would be welcomed by all I'm sure. I know that comments effect us differently at different times so please be open minded and if needed please comment accordingly

#1 Everybody goes through bad times.

reason: This isn't just a bad time that will pass,, My life will never be the same, My.... is gone!

#2 The person that killed your ....... probably feels bad.

reason; This one is especially difficult for me because the girl that killed my son has never contacted us to even offer any sympathy---- WOW I can't imagine even with the legal issues that someone could not express some consideration! even if just a written letter.

#3 You still have......

reason: I know, but thats not why I'm so.... and now everything I still have is missing an element of them since they are gone.

What not to say to a grieving person

- Snap out of it

- It wasn’t meant to be

- You must be strong

- She lived a good life

- You must move on

- God will never give you more than you can handle

- I understand

- Be thankful you have other children

- It’s over with. Let’s not deal with it

- Get a hold of yourself

- Keep a stiff upper lip

- Pull yourself together

- Be strong for the children

- Get back on the horse again

- It was God’s will

- You can always have other children

- You’re young

- Maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson

- Others have it worse than you

- What did you do wrong?

- He wouldn’t have been healthy

- It is just nature’s way of dealing with a problem

Helpful things to say to a grieving person

- I’m so sorry to hear about your loss

- I can’t imagine what you are going thru. It must be unbearable.

- Sit down and tell me all about it.

- I don’t know what to say, but I’ll be glad to listen.

- How are you really feeling?

- What can I do to help?

(if you are caring for someone from a different culture ask “what would be happening if

this happened…”

[mrsduc]

What a wonderful true things that people have said and they do not even realize what they say is worse than saying nothing at all.

I just got told from a good friend that is a Christian and who has never had any kids and only has lost her father many years ago. That I need to stop torturing myself and move on that its time to just remember the good times with my son.

I also was told by her husband that I was bringing evil in my house because I have my son's urn in my house and I made the mistake of telling them that I hold him and cry and talk to him everyday. they told me to get that damn thing out of my house. Which I refuse to do.

But some of the worse are your family and close friends that say they care but when you are going thru a loss of a child they don't call or nothing. And you find out that they have told others as calmly as possible that they don;t know what to say so they don't call.

I know that there are more but I am sure that others can add to them. But thanks for starting this.

I am new here, but I cannot find a good place to direct people who with all good intentions still say the wrong thing to us. I am sure many of you have had people that you know didn't want to hurt you,, actually cause you great pain by what they said. I thought it would be a good idea if we posted these "mistakes" so as if to make a list that we could if nothing else just show those that care about us so as we don't hurt each other. I have just put a few here now but I hope you will add to the list. A brief reason why it was so painful might be helpful as well. Since most of the time these people are truly trying to help it would be welcomed by all I'm sure. I know that comments effect us differently at different times so please be open minded and if needed please comment accordingly

#1 Everybody goes through bad times.

reason: This isn't just a bad time that will pass,, My life will never be the same, My.... is gone!

#2 The person that killed your ....... probably feels bad.

reason; This one is especially difficult for me because the girl that killed my son has never contacted us to even offer any sympathy---- WOW I can't imagine even with the legal issues that someone could not express some consideration! even if just a written letter.

#3 You still have......

reason: I know, but thats not why I'm so.... and now everything I still have is missing an element of them since they are gone.

What not to say to a grieving person

- Snap out of it

- It wasn’t meant to be

- You must be strong

- She lived a good life

- You must move on

- God will never give you more than you can handle

- I understand

- Be thankful you have other children

- It’s over with. Let’s not deal with it

- Get a hold of yourself

- Keep a stiff upper lip

- Pull yourself together

- Be strong for the children

- Get back on the horse again

- It was God’s will

- You can always have other children

- You’re young

- Maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson

- Others have it worse than you

- What did you do wrong?

- He wouldn’t have been healthy

- It is just nature’s way of dealing with a problem

Helpful things to say to a grieving person

- I’m so sorry to hear about your loss

- I can’t imagine what you are going thru. It must be unbearable.

- Sit down and tell me all about it.

- I don’t know what to say, but I’ll be glad to listen.

- How are you really feeling?

- What can I do to help?

(if you are caring for someone from a different culture ask “what would be happening if

this happened…”

[Jilly's mom]

My own personal " DO NOT SAY THIS" line....."It was the work of the devil for your child to die." Seriously????? and on that note, when someone overheard me talking about a "message" I got from "the other side", I was very publicly called a WITCH....who "conjours up dead people." (Didn't they stop witch hunts in Salem in the 1800's?) I was told that my child is not up there frolicking in Heaven, because according to this man (a leader in his church) my daughter ceased to exist the day she died. She will be resurrected in body and "live" again only on the day of Rapture. He actually wrote a book about this, and although he did not use my name, he made this message clear.

Can you say WOW???????? Hope this man never has to go through what we have. And that God forbid if he does, his child never tries to come to him in dream, or through the message of a stranger.

[dhathc00]

Jilly's mom; Sorry to hear you had to endure such ignorance. Watch out for them hollier than thou types. I certainly have a much broader view of God and religion to which I think it would require a book to explain but, in a nutshell, the golden rule "do unto others as you would have them do to you" and "love one another" bout takes care of most everything. If God is a strength and a comfort for you than great, just don't let someone else OR someone else's god ever condemn you. best wishes; Dwayne

[mikesmum]

Here in the Loss of an Adult we have from time to time added to the 'DUMBASS, OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT. These posts add to those.

My all time favourites

"You have other children"

"He's better off now"

"You loved him more than God, so he took him"

"Time heals" (it might heal but it won't cure the ache)

"He wasn't a child he was 31" Wrong he was my baby, my boy.

"God only give you what you can handle"

"You should get back to work and move on".

Forgive them for they know not of what they speak ~ and honestly, I wouldn't want them to experience this just so they get it.

[darlenestark]

Today seems like a good day to offer up my contribution to the list of "what not to say". These are my top three:

"Having seven other kids must make it easier for you". My response: "No. I have seven grieving children. It doesn't make it any easier."

"At least he didn't die on Christmas - that would have been so much worse." My response: "No. It wouldn't have made any difference which day he died. The only thing that could have made this any worse is if Ali hadn't been able to save his baby's life."

"I can't even imagine losing my dog, who is like a child to me." (Posted on Facebook) My response: Nothing. For anyone who is that cold, that stupid, I don't waste my time or my words.

[michael watkins]

Oh there has been so many things said to me these past few months thats ticks me but as we all know they mean no harm but here goes my list: 1. At least he had a child 2. See its getting better 3. Dont let this consume you 4. You have other kids to worry about (true but its hard when you loose one of your kids nothing else seems to matter much even though i know i love my daughter. Lastly-this is the one i hate the most HOW ARE YOU DOING ( really.....). Well i can go on and on but i will stop here.....

[cmiller]

Nice to know that I'm not the only one with inconsiderate so called friends and family.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh there has been so many things said to me these past few months thats ticks me but as we all know they mean no harm but here goes my list: 1. At least he had a child 2. See its getting better 3. Dont let this consume you 4. You have other kids to worry about (true but its hard when you loose one of your kids nothing else seems to matter much even though i know i love my daughter. Lastly-this is the one i hate the most HOW ARE YOU DOING ( really.....). Well i can go on and on but i will stop here.....

Actually I feel that since my son died wWhen people make a remark that I consider thoughtless I just tuck it away and leave it there. Most often they simply do not understand what we are going through. They feel uncomfortable and do not truly know what to say that will give us comfort. Let's face it. Is there really anything? I'm at a point if somebody asked me how I am doing and said it sincerely...well, I would be pleased that they were concerned enough to inquire. Unfortunately, nobody does ask as it has been two years Gosh, I wish they would.. After a period of time lapses...we are all on our own.

Being told to get on with it or over it definitely crosses the line. A long pause and definite stare will often do the trick. It has for me. They are so lucky they are not walking in our shoes. But let's not frighten them for fear that whatever they say or do will step on toes. Sometimes we need to cut a little slack.

[Maddy6]

People do not understand until they are in our shoes and we do no want that for them, so I guess this is part of the difficulties of the journey we are on and I am glad we have each other.

[vivkib]

My kids and I have all been told we need to close Kevin's FaceBook acct. We have kept it open for family and friends to leave messages for Kevin as well as us. It makes us all feel better. Some people think we should close it because we're not "moving on", like that can ever happen. It's only been 6 1/2 months.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate,

I completely agree. Since we were barely here in Texas when Rachael died, we never knew enough people. So NO ONE inquired. It was a mixed blessing really. I didn't have to face friends with questions and inquiries, but we lacked a support system also. So I am with you, that I wish someone, anyone, would ask how we are. But they don't know, or lack the understanding to, and that is OK, cause I wouldn't want them to know and understand. However, 4 years in and now no one from my past mentions it either. It is like it is supposed to be over and done with now. Anything else and I think people would be uncomfortable. I too, just take it in stride.

My daughter did have one situation happen and I will tell you about it. Perhaps you can offer advice. We had a website from the newspaper obituary that my daughter paid to have left up for life. My husband, myself, and my daughter would go there and write to Rachael, especially in the first year. On the first year anniversary my daughter wrote to Rachael telling she missed her so much. Apparently on this site someone can tell it to notify them when there were any new entries. Soooo this long time family friend is notified of a new entry and sees it and emails my daughter and tells her "to make sure she makes better choices than her sister did so she will stay alive to be a good example for her brothers." But it was really said in a not so kind way, almost a flippant way. My daughter is very intelligent and well spoken. She emailed this lady back and told her what she needed to be told in a well spoken way, concerning her crass ugliness. So the lady then is "mad" at her and "me." Although I was not involved. I have made the decision that if this lady cannot apologize for such uncaring, ugliness, that our family wants nothing to do with her. I do not understand why people can be so unkind to someone in the face of the loss they have incurred. This lady should have apologized to my daughter, even if she were in the right, since my daughter was the one grieving (if I were to show you the email you would be shocked at the wording). And then the lady involves me :-\ and I wasn't even involved. The lady was from our church in New Orleans and had a history of poor relationships and our family always reached out to her in kindness and to help her. Quite frankly, it's not that I don't forgive her, but I want nothing more to do with this lady that would speak of Rachael's death so callously. She did not even know the results of the autopsy. She just "assumed" and then ran off at the mouth and put it on email on top of it. So I guess I have made the decision to forget about this person. I know my daughter certainly has. We are still good friends with this lady's daughter, however, if the lady cannot be big enough to apologize to my daughter for her email, then I figure it is her decision........ Thoughts? .........Anyway thanks for listening.

Maddy

Maddy...rise above it. Ignore the entire situation. You are all better then that. Yes, she does indeed owe you an apology. Perhaps in time she will upon reflection come to her senses and call you. But until then...just keep on going with your own lives. Nobody has the right to tell us to move on or get over it. What she said to your daughter was hurtful and unkind. It had to come from a person that is hurting in her own way. Carrying a ton of anger. It must be difficult for her daughter however. Keep on walking that road you are on and focus on positives. You are already doing such a great job. And by all means do whatever it takes to honour your daughter in your own way. Good for you.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

My kids and I have all been told we need to close Kevin's FaceBook acct. We have kept it open for family and friends to leave messages for Kevin as well as us. It makes us all feel better. Some people think we should close it because we're not "moving on", like that can ever happen. It's only been 6 1/2 months.

Kevin's Mom...who are some people? For heaven sake it has only been a few short months! They need to give their heads a shake. Do what you need to and want to do to handle your grief. That simply is not anyone's business either then yours. The day they lose a child they will be in a better position to offer advice. I say keep the Facebook going. Why not?

[shorty16]

Kevin's Mom

We have a facebook page for our son Brian that his friends made AFTER his death. It is for the reason you state - for friends, family and others to leave messages.

These people who are telling you this need to spend a day in our shoes.

Keep the facebook page!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[davincidanes]

I made a Facebook Group in Memory of my son. It's a safe harbor for friends and family to talk to him, and to share memoris, videos and photos. I don't know what I would do without it.

[davincidanes]

And in the area of "what not to say"..... My fiance made a huge mistake early on in the process. As with anyone facing this, I cried alot....... and would break down at any time, anywhere out of the blue. With honest concern in his voice, he would ask 'What's wrong, sweetie?" ...... and it tore my heart to the core. I held out for a few times anwering him nicely, but finally I broke and screamed at the top of my voice, "MY SON IS DEAD ------THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!!!! and don't ever ask me that again!" Well, he hasn't - he knows that when I cry, I'm having a moment, and he gently acknowledges it with a hug.

[517958]

My "favorite" dumbass comments so far:

- "god never gives you more than you can handle" -really? So if I was a weaker person, my baby would still be here?- "God needed her more than you did " - that's nonsense. God has the whole world, he doesn't need my little girl.- "well now you won't have to worry about something bad happening, or getting teased at school or getting into drugs or other bad stuff when she grew up" - I'd take my chances.-"that's a bummer" - wow, bummer doesnt really explain an entire family's life being ruined.-"it's time to put that behind you now (at three months out) - how long would you grieve if you lost your daughter?-upon asking how I was 7 months out and when I said I was pretty bad, "STILL?" - how long would you be sad if you lost your daughter?-"thank God you have 2 children" - I have three children. -"youre still young and can have more children." i could have a million more children and I'd never have one like Charlotte.

Of course when someone says something dumb, I just nod and pretend to agree because people don't know what the heck they're talking about and I pray they dont ever have to know.

[Maddy6]

Angela,I am so very, very sorry for the dumbass things people have said. I cannot imagine someone saying to you that you are young and can have more children. It would feel like a knife slicing open my heart at those words, the stupid things they say seem to invalidate the lives of our children. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your daughter at such a young age. I have followed your story....how a lady took off the life vest at the pool when dad stepped away for a moment etc. It is so tragic and I am so sorry. I feel your pain and your loss and wish I could somehow ease your pain. I wish I had the appropriate words that could ease your pain, but I do not. I know there is nothing I can say to help you because there is nothing that will bring Charlotte, Rachael, or any of our children back to us. I am just so very sorry and I do care. It has been 4 1/2 years for me now, and time has brought some healing. Time has been the only thing that has given me some relief. We are here for you, we understand, as well as we can, and we care. LOVE,MADDY

[517958]

Thanks Maddy. I'm having a rough one today. It's "family fun night" at char's school which is right across the street. I sort of expected the big firsts to be bad but the little ones are just as bad. We also had to have a family picture done today-our first without char. It's just not a family pic when someone's missing.

[dhathc00]

Another day of mixed emotions, pressure from others involved to settle for insurance money, many people asking how I'm doing. and business dealing with customers complaining about trivial "to me of course, to them, worlds going to end if their a/c don't work in this 80 degree heatwave." I have decided to just say I'm doing "OK" to the people who ask how I'm doing,, there is no good honest answer that i can think of. Most of the time it is people i meet on the "street" and given the moment I could answer with anything from its a pretty day to I wish I was dead. I know they don't know what else to say,, and like I've said many many times "there is good and bad in everything" this has been my mantra for over thirty years, its dam hard to say it with the same spirit as i used too,, but it is still there, Someday I hope to view the world around me without seeing it as not having my son in it anymore. It is almost 6 months,, I can tell by my readings here that someday................. But as for the good and bad we live In a small town so almost everyone knows everyone,, it is hard to be "chin up" and a good example of a reasonable human being. But for matters of this consideration it is often best to just present this fa-cad and go on, I imagine most would be traumatized if i truly told them how I am doing. I suppose I will go on, I have a 15 yr old daughter I must consider,, otherwise.... Everything is just a reminder that Daniel is missing,, he's not here, never will be. Everything I look at is like a family picture except Daniel is not in it. I look at things and say to myself Daniel will never see this, I torment over his short life and what he didn't see or experience. I suppose I should be thankful for the years we did have him, and am, but so much is ruined. I hope I don't cause anyone here more pain I'm just venting, I hope I haven't said things that are hurtful, but how stupid is that anything said that causes a reflection of reality is probably going to cause pain, so very sorry, it has to get better. Past two weeks I've suffered from shoulder injury i caused when i got upset and strained muscle in my back/shoulder. Hurts like hell at times, hard to sleep for very long without waking to severe pain. Almost a blessing tho it distracts me at times, breaks my thoughts, at least I can know it will get better, it will heal, I've done it before, its just a muscle, Hows my arm? getting better. F**K!!!

[vivkib]

Danielsdad, I'm so sorry for your loss and your need to be here. I lost my son Kevin almost 7 months ago. Don't be sorry for coming here to vent, we all do and we all understand. It IS so hard to now how to answer that same old, tired question "How are you doing?" Well, Duh!!!!!! How in the world are we suppose to feel when our lives have changed forever? I would love to have thier trivil problems. Bring on the no A/C in 80 degree weather or whatever the life shattering problem is for them. I understand the "good and bad in everything", I've also tried to see it in my life also, but your right it's different now. Now I have to really look for the good. I will say we have found a number of things that are good that have come as a direct result of my son passing. I know, how can that be? I have a son in prison that gave his life back to the Lord after years of away from his beliefs. He wants to be with his brother again some day. My ex-husband has apolagized to the kids for the way he put himself first for so meny years and is trying to make it up to them. My 19 yrs old son stopped parting because he realized his life could be gone in a minute and he wants to make his big brother proud of him, and has he ever. He has turned into the most mature young man. I get told all the time what a wonderful, loving, resectful young man he is. I've even been told "Thank you for bringing him into this world". There are meny other things I could mention but you get the picture. These things and more would not have happened if Kevin was still here. I wish there had been another way but this is the way it had to be I guess. I miss him everyday and I know I always will. I hope your shoulder gets to feeling better. The pain we feel on this journey is a very real physical thing. Sometimes it just hurts to breath, but we will all make it some how. Again, vent as much as you need to. Hugs and Prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[SADMOMMY1]

My kids and I have all been told we need to close Kevin's FaceBook acct. We have kept it open for family and friends to leave messages for Kevin as well as us. It makes us all feel better. Some people think we should close it because we're not "moving on", like that can ever happen. It's only been 6 1/2 months.

Hi: I haven't closed my son's facebook accnt. either. No one really says anything to me about it. Some of his friends have posted, but it is mostly me who leaves messages. There is no reason why it has to be closed. Move on!!! What's that mean??? it feels like yesterday he left us. It's been 8 1/2 months. When I am ready, if ever, it will get closed.

[SADMOMMY1]

My "favorite" dumbass comments so far:

- "god never gives you more than you can handle" -really? So if I was a weaker person, my baby would still be here?- "God needed her more than you did " - that's nonsense. God has the whole world, he doesn't need my little girl.- "well now you won't have to worry about something bad happening, or getting teased at school or getting into drugs or other bad stuff when she grew up" - I'd take my chances.-"that's a bummer" - wow, bummer doesnt really explain an entire family's life being ruined.-"it's time to put that behind you now (at three months out) - how long would you grieve if you lost your daughter?-upon asking how I was 7 months out and when I said I was pretty bad, "STILL?" - how long would you be sad if you lost your daughter?-"thank God you have 2 children" - I have three children. -"youre still young and can have more children." i could have a million more children and I'd never have one like Charlotte.

Of course when someone says something dumb, I just nod and pretend to agree because people don't know what the heck they're talking about and I pray they dont ever have to know.

Yea the comment about God never giving us more than we can handle...makes you wish you were the weakest person around. If that would mean my son , your daughter would still be here. God didn't make our children pass away. I can't believe people expect us to move on and put it behind us. Oh sure! dumb people out there. stupid stupid. That's all I can say.

[SADMOMMY1]

Here in the Loss of an Adult we have from time to time added to the 'DUMBASS, OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT. These posts add to those.

My all time favourites

"You have other children"

"He's better off now"

"You loved him more than God, so he took him"

"Time heals" (it might heal but it won't cure the ache)

"He wasn't a child he was 31" Wrong he was my baby, my boy.

"God only give you what you can handle"

"You should get back to work and move on".

Forgive them for they know not of what they speak ~ and honestly, I wouldn't want them to experience this just so they get it.

People don't know what to say so they say some of the dumbest things. And you're right I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Kelly Lutgen]

Hi! It was so great to hear a few replies. It means so much to me. I just had to add one comment to the dumb ass stuff people say. Recently a stupid insensitive co-worker (who by the way is not married, never has been and has no kids) asked me..."when Jonathan dies, are you going to come back to work full time?" I currently work 4 days a week. I was flabbergasted and mumbled a response back to the effect of I didn't know what I was going to do.

[widower2]

What a wonderful true things that people have said and they do not even realize what they say is worse than saying nothing at all.

I just got told from a good friend that is a Christian and who has never had any kids and only has lost her father many years ago. That I need to stop torturing myself and move on that its time to just remember the good times with my son.

I also was told by her husband that I was bringing evil in my house because I have my son's urn in my house and I made the mistake of telling them that I hold him and cry and talk to him everyday. they told me to get that damn thing out of my house. Which I refuse to do.

I think I would have added (in a husky scary voice) "I won't....AND YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT I WORSHIP THE DEVIL AND I'M COMING FOR YOU NEXT BLAHALALA" and stuck my tongue out and gave them a crazed look. What disgusting loons. That would have been the end of my friendship with them (that is not a suggestion btw, just my take).

But some of the worse are your family and close friends that say they care but when you are going thru a loss of a child they don't call or nothing

This is shockingly common when losing someone. Even after asking people to keep in touch I got almost nothing. And "I don't know what to say" is a horrible BS excuse.

My own personal " DO NOT SAY THIS" line....."It was the work of the devil for your child to die." Seriously????? and on that note, when someone overheard me talking about a "message" I got from "the other side", I was very publicly called a WITCH....who "conjours up dead people." (Didn't they stop witch hunts in Salem in the 1800's?) I was told that my child is not up there frolicking in Heaven, because according to this man (a leader in his church) my daughter ceased to exist the day she died. She will be resurrected in body and "live" again only on the day of Rapture. He actually wrote a book about this, and although he did not use my name, he made this message clear.

Can you say WOW???????? Hope this man never has to go through what we have. And that God forbid if he does, his child never tries to come to him in dream, or through the message of a stranger.

There is never a shortage of mental midgets who claim to have the inside track on what happens after we exit this life and worse, try to ram their BS down your throat. Sounds like one of those militant fundamentalists. I probably would have messed with him too. It is POSs like this who give churches/religions a bad name and can drive people to diff beliefs.

PS anyone else think it was appropriate that this thread was started on April 1st? A tribute to fools. To put it kindly.

THAT ALL SAID.........Kate said it better but I would add and caution that extreme cases aside, I think most (not all, but most) mean well, and try to keep their intent in mind, not the spittle that flies out of their mouth. At least they made an effort to comfort you, and the intent is to me more meaningful than the bungled attempt itself. Words can fade; even botched gestures of caring to me matter far more. In hindsight I'll take a botched effort to see how I'm doing over not hearing anything from someone I THOUGHT cared at least a little. I do not excuse a poor choice of words, understand, but our society is horrible at dealing with loss of life and is just getting worse, so it's not surprising people make some bad ones. Someone said they really hated "how are you" and I have said similar, but again, now that I have had considerable time go by with some supposedly close people saying nothing, even a stupid "how are you" would have been much better than nothing. Hello, my loved one passed, not me.

[cas1984]

Wow Ive heard almost all. a few more hes happy now ....no hes not Mama's not w him! hes in a better place. not to me home earth in my arms is a better place! God needed him more. God has plenty I need him more! But most You still have ur 3 yr old. you mean his brother / possible father who he adore which makes it worse he lost him too!

[cas1984]

Wow Ive heard almost all. a few more hes happy now ....no hes not Mama's not w him! hes in a better place. not to me home earth in my arms is a better place! God needed him more. God has plenty I need him more! But most You still have ur 3 yr old. you mean his brother / possible father who he adore which makes it worse he lost him too! not to seem mean but cmon what wud u want to hear other than the impossible..? "we made a huge mistake ur child is fine!" Theres alot our friends & family that rarely called till he passed & friends who choose to say nothing! ya that doesnt hurt..

[Angel'sSon]

Hi: I haven't closed my son's facebook accnt. either. No one really says anything to me about it. Some of his friends have posted, but it is mostly me who leaves messages. There is no reason why it has to be closed. Move on!!! What's that mean??? it feels like yesterday he left us. It's been 8 1/2 months. When I am ready, if ever, it will get closed.

I will not close my son's facebook account either. My son will be gone a month tomorrow.

[Angel'sSon]

From people that have told me this about me losing my son, 30 yrs. old and he passed a month ago on August 15th, 2012. What not to say....You have two other children and grandchildren and you need to concentrate on them. How are you doing???? OK, how do you think I'm doing!!!! He's better off now!!!! God took him for a reason!!! It happened for a reason....What reason, omg!!! He is gone and you can't bring him back!!!! I don't know what to say...Then don't say anything!!!!! He's watching over me...Ummm, I'd rather he be here with me!!!!!! Just a few of what not to say that I can think of. Tomorrow isn't going to be good. One month date of being without my son. I'm still so depressed. I love you son, MOM

[natalie07]

It's been a year and I still have my daughters facebook account open but in a memorialized state. I to am surprised at the comments I get from family members. My friends seem to understand what I am going through more than my own family. I have a special memorial shelf for my daughter with her urn and lots of pictures. Some of my family members look at me as If I am crazy to have all of her stuff out in the open. I remember reaching to show my older sister a picture I found of my daughter. I was going to show it to her and she just turned her face and changed the subject. I have been told to move on, it was her time to die. I dont believe this is true.

[Vijayabanu]

I also feel bad when people say/do unthinkable stuff...less than a month or so after my son's accident... My mother in law sits in front of me and eats a box full of sweets...chocolates ....

Then there r people who tell me to dress up !!!!! What the hell...

People who have told me that I m so capable and hence....Is God so bad to punish capable people????

It's nice to see u working normally....God!!!!! Can't they see I am pretending to be normal.. Broken to 1000 pieces inside

You are blessed to have him attest for 20 years.... I wanted to scream...it's 20 yrs..10 months and 19 days...don't reduce his already shortened life...

There r others who ask u ' is it hurting very badly" then what did they expect....they can't measure...feel...

Feeling numb with the whole issue...

Here, in this forum... I know... Exactly how it hurts...others...and others can feel...When someone in this forum asks...how r u...They really ask with so much of concern... Let's walk holding hands...crying together..praying together...

[Angel'sSon]

It's been a year and I still have my daughters facebook account open but in a memorialized state. I to am surprised at the comments I get from family members. My friends seem to understand what I am going through more than my own family. I have a special memorial shelf for my daughter with her urn and lots of pictures. Some of my family members look at me as If I am crazy to have all of her stuff out in the open. I remember reaching to show my older sister a picture I found of my daughter. I was going to show it to her and she just turned her face and changed the subject. I have been told to move on, it was her time to die. I dont believe this is true.

I still have my Dustin's facebook account open and have people posting on there and mine too. Time to move on isn't true. After 2 months, I cry, feel like it's a nightmare...I want my son back and I know it's not going to happen!!!! I've been told by several people that I'm posting too much on my facebook...picture graphics!!! No one can tell you when it's time to move on. Only you know this and I don't even know how long it will take. I know right now, I love and miss my son so bad!!!! A part of my heart went with him when he left me!!! Keep posting!!!!

[M.Mata77]

The worst one I've ever heard is some one actually told me during a conversation about my son "Shut up your going to make me cry.". If you didn't want to hear about him then why did you as sk.

[Lostwithoutmum]

Sorry I know this is a for those who lost a child but I had someone saying 'Oh I can't imagine losing MY mum, I am far too weak'....Well guess what? I never imagined losing MY mum either! But it did happen...And I am NOT strong, thank you, I just have no choice!

But people who never experienced the loss of a very close person, don't really know what to say sometimes..

[NeverAndAlways]

Worst stupid-*** things people said to us:

"It ain't gonna be easy" - no! really? from someone who never lost a child but wanted to sound like they knew something and really had no room to open their stupid mouth (sorry)

"don't you lose those other children!" - are they out of their mind? who says something that callous? it was the same 'i'm so close to you I can say anything to you' MORON that was barely an aquaintance!

Those were the worst...the other infuriating ones usually started with "that's terrible, I remember when my dog died..." I HATE when people compare their flippin mutts with my babies. No offense to dog owners...dogs are great...but they aren't the same as children!

N&A

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Another day of mixed emotions, pressure from others involved to settle for insurance money, many people asking how I'm doing. and business dealing with customers complaining about trivial "to me of course, to them, worlds going to end if their a/c don't work in this 80 degree heatwave." I have decided to just say I'm doing "OK" to the people who ask how I'm doing,, there is no good honest answer that i can think of. Most of the time it is people i meet on the "street" and given the moment I could answer with anything from its a pretty day to I wish I was dead. I know they don't know what else to say,, and like I've said many many times "there is good and bad in everything" this has been my mantra for over thirty years, its dam hard to say it with the same spirit as i used too,, but it is still there, Someday I hope to view the world around me without seeing it as not having my son in it anymore. It is almost 6 months,, I can tell by my readings here that someday................. But as for the good and bad we live In a small town so almost everyone knows everyone,, it is hard to be "chin up" and a good example of a reasonable human being. But for matters of this consideration it is often best to just present this fa-cad and go on, I imagine most would be traumatized if i truly told them how I am doing. I suppose I will go on, I have a 15 yr old daughter I must consider,, otherwise.... Everything is just a reminder that Daniel is missing,, he's not here, never will be. Everything I look at is like a family picture except Daniel is not in it. I look at things and say to myself Daniel will never see this, I torment over his short life and what he didn't see or experience. I suppose I should be thankful for the years we did have him, and am, but so much is ruined. I hope I don't cause anyone here more pain I'm just venting, I hope I haven't said things that are hurtful, but how stupid is that anything said that causes a reflection of reality is probably going to cause pain, so very sorry, it has to get better. Past two weeks I've suffered from shoulder injury i caused when i got upset and strained muscle in my back/shoulder. Hurts like hell at times, hard to sleep for very long without waking to severe pain. Almost a blessing tho it distracts me at times, breaks my thoughts, at least I can know it will get better, it will heal, I've done it before, its just a muscle, Hows my arm? getting better. F**K!!!

My son died in a motorcycle accident last October. It is still an hour by hour thing with me. As I said in the other thread, Loss of an Adult Child, it is important to have a place that you can express your honest feelings. I have found a lot of good folks here and I would say that Mother's Day, there was some very intense emotional posts there but that is what is needed.

As deep as I loved him, is as deep as I mourn him. And I will not let anyone take that away from me.

[clarabell]

My son Jesse will be gone 2 months on August 15.My son was disabled in a wheelchair. He was always healthy as a horse he got the same maladies ''normal'' people do.his illness came on quickly with tragic results. I was flabbergasted at the things people said.Like at least he went quickly that must be a blessing. How about ''God took him to heaven so he could walk and run''. It must be somewhat of a relief that you don't have the burden of worrying about Jesse's future you are getting older. I started to get the feeling his loss was less painful because of his disability. Unless you are in the fetal position on the floor wailing your doing okay. I am sick of people asking me how I am doing ? Are you better yet? You look fine.What the hell am I supposed look like? Grrrrrr!!!!!

[sermatinger]

Clarabell, I totally understand where you're coming from. In the past 6 years I've lost 3 very important people all 2 years apart from each other. People don't really know what to say and honestly there's nothing that they really can say without repeating the same question over and over or without sounding like an A**hole. I've come to realize that we can't be mad at them because they don't understand. Some people never have to experience this kind of loss. That's why it's best to talk to people who understand.