Feel Like I am Stnading Still

[mrsduc]

I feel like the world is speeding by me and I am just watching not caring or having any feelings about not being with the world. I just seem to be watching everything on the side lines and having no opinion about anything. Does that mean I am still numb? I don't know, I do know that alot of things have happened since Robert died. His father (my ex) called me tonight and we were talking about our lose and he was so mad at how our other two boys have not called or treat me like I am nothing to them. He said it makes him so mad and anyway he invited me and my husband to come to Easter dinner so that I could be around my granddaughter and get to know her because my son will not allow me to be around her. I thought that was very nice of my ex to do this. Now my husband is pissed because he thinks that my ex should be calling and saying to me come and get her for acouple of hours. But I am just happy to be able to see her. I do not like that I have to spend anytime with all the people that caused me and my boys so much pain, but I guess if I want to try and let this precious little girl know that her grandma loves her I need to take what I can get. And my ex thinks that this is his way of telling our son that he is not being far to me or his daughter and my ex said that he will not put up with it and anytime that he has her he will call me and maybe I will be able to see her. If Robert could see that his dad and mom are talking (which I had told Robet many times that I still had feelings for his father, but I could never live with him again). But I have feelings for people and i knew that my ex would never reach out to me so I have been the one that has always reached out to him since Robert died and he has been able to except it and he has helped me and I in turn think I have helped him. But for him to call me tonight that was completely out of his norm.

I walk down my steps everytime I am upstairs to go into the kitchen and now it is like I do not want to turn just alittle to the left, for if I turn to the left alittle I can see my son urn and the memorial I have set up in the curio), but I turn onlyhoping that it is not there and that this is not real. That is still happening even today. I just keep hoping that it is not true. Even though my brain says it is, I just can't seem to completely except it. I do not know how to get past how deep and painfully deep this pain is and how to even start to try and move on knowing that Robert will never be in my life again. It is just so hard for me to comprehend. I don't want to believe it. Then I know it is true and I just don't want to go on without my son and all I can think and pray that GOd would take me soon so that I can be with him. And then I worry that when my time comes I may not be allowed to be reconnected with Robert, and that kills me inside. I just am in so much pain and agony I do not know what to do or even am not able to consentrate on anything. Plus with my eye problem it is hard to even think about reading or watching tv. I am on the computer right now in pain but I felt the need to get some of my thoughts and feelings out. By the way I am having surgery on April 13th at 1:30pm and they are going to have to go in through my face either in or right next to my clogged tear duct and drain it and then make a new tear duct so that I will hopefully never have this problem again.

Anyway thanks again for listening to me. A mother that will always grieve for the lose of a wonderful son and person and the lose of all the years that will never be.

[Maddy6]

Linda, That is so wonderful that your ex has called you and is trying to do right by you. Also that you will get to see your granddaughter is very wonderful indeed! Also, I think that Robert does know his dad and mom are talking. He is with you and he knows. I pray your upcoming surgery will go well and that you will be comforted from the pain.Love,Maddy

[mrsduc]

Thank you so much for caring for me. I know that my eye must be feeling better because the impact has come back so strong in loosing Robert like it just happened. While my eye was swollen so badly and I was in so much pain it was all I could really think of. I would think of Robert but not in like it is now. It was sure wish I could hear him call me right about now. I knew if he was alive he would be calling me or my husband trying to find out how I really was. He would be concerned and I knew that while I was hurting so, that I did miss that,, but I was only able to focus on my eye pain. But now that the swelling has gone down and the pain has lessen, the impact of not having Robert around anymore has hit me like a tone of bricks again.

I know that Robert would be so proud of how his father was trying to help me see my granddaughter. I know that Robert was really effected when his father and I got a divorce. He always wanted us to get back together*which is not possible) , I would tell Robert that I did care and love his father for he was not only the father of my children, but he was my first love. But that we were not good for each other and that I am very happy with my husband now and that he was my soul mate. Robert had a very hard time excepting Donald. It was only in the last 9 months that Robert and Donald seemed to get a truce. It seemed that both of them were fighting for my attention. I tried to tell them both that I loved them both but in different ways. I do know that Robert did tell Donald that he loved him in his suicide video, which made me feel good. I think that Robert felt that all of us had someone so we would be ok without him. I just do not think he realized the impact he would have on me or other people that loved him more than he even knew. I really believe if he knew this and was in his right mind he would not of killed himself. But then it comes to me that it was his time to die and nothing could stop it. And that is why he succeeded in dying. But does not help the living except his death. I want to go down into my living room and look into my curio and not see his urn so I could tell myself its not true he is alive and jsut busy and will call me soon. That is how I get thru the days. I keep waiting for a call on my cell phone from him. I wish I had kept the texts and voice messages from him. But I never thought that I would never talk to him ot hear his voice every again. I am starting to forget his wonderful laugh. This is scaring me and I do not want to foget. I have some videos of him but he is not laughing in them. So I keep trying to remember his laugh. Little things about him like how he held his hands and how he walked I can remember. But his laugh is fading and i think it is too fast for me. But anyway maybe not feeling good physically or also the pain of loosing my son that I know would be supporting me thruough all this mediccal stuff I just know I feel so worse then depression. I feel like I am walking in the deepest dark hole with nothing but pain around me and it is all coming from my inside. I try never to takl to much with people that do not understand about loosing a child so I just lie and say I'm making it. But really I have no choose but to continue without my son but i really am not living. people try to tell me it will get better but I do not see how when each day without him makes the pain worse. So I am trying to figure out how to continue and learn to live with this unbearable pain and still try and have somewhat of a normal life and try to enjoy some part of life. I just do not see how I will be able to do that.

Linda, That is so wonderful that your ex has called you and is trying to do right by you. Also that you will get to see your granddaughter is very wonderful indeed! Also, I think that Robert does know his dad and mom are talking. He is with you and he knows. I pray your upcoming surgery will go well and that you will be comforted from the pain.Love,Maddy

[Maddy6]

Linda,In the beginning it is very painful. We feel it into our physical being. I had this numbing, empty ache 24/7. It was like being trapped in a nightmare I could not emerge from. Robert did not realize the pain he would cause you, or he would not have taken his life. He was sad and probably just wanted to end his suffering. I am sorry for the way your sons treat you. Although because of that your ex has reached out to you, and that is very good. Perhaps in time your son will realize as he sees the actions of his father. Also, it sounds like your husband truly loves you, and you, he. So many people do not find that in life. That is a blessing and I am glad you have that to give you comfort also. In the beginning I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and hanging on. It was all I could do. I counted the days, the time passing. I knew the more time that passed, the pain would lessen. And it did, and it has. My pain was so great I could not deal with it. I guess I was in denial for a very long time. Which is why I am only here and now, when the pain has softened enough to deal with. I do not know if I have helped you in any way. But I want you to know you are not alone and we care.Love,Maddy