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So hard...


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Where to start...

The facts: I very recently lost my 18-year-old brother in a skiing accident. They were in Colorado and I was at work in Chicago. I got the call and rushed home to Wisconsin right away. We were surrounded by support (too much sometimes). The funeral and the burial happened. I had to go back to work.

It's been two weeks, and I don't know how I feel. Sometimes I almost feel ok. Other times, it feels like my life is falling apart. I'm exhausted and I just want things to go back to the way they were. I go from one temperature extreme to another. Time doesn't have meaning-I'm either late or early, and don't seem to have a grasp on if time is going fast or slow. I get almost panicky if people leave, like I won't see them again. When I first went home, even my dad going to the store freaked me out.

I have an appointment with a counselor, but honestly, I don't really want to go. I know in my head I need it, but really, I do not want to talk about everything and deal with very painful things. It's easier to pretend it didn't happen. Also, I'm having a hard time being around my family. Every time we're together, it's like breaking a healing bone. It's just a reminder that things are not the same and they will never be the same. I don't want to accept this as a new normal. I hate it.

I'm not suicidal, just exhausted and grieving. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

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LittleB88 - I just saw your post on my way to another thread of this website, but I did want to

respond. I lost my 29 year old daughter 18 months ago to leukemia, so our losses are a bit

different, but loss is loss. The feelings you described in your post sound very familiar to me.

The exhaustion, separation anxiety, being around family is more upsetting than comforting.

You are experiencing the many facets of grief. If I may, I would encourage you to keep that

counseling appointment, see how it feels and take it from there. I believe strongly that talking

some of this grief out is helpful. This is a very hard road and coming here also is very cathartic.

Whatever you decide to do, my prayers for your healing.

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It sounds like you are still in shock. I lost my 17 year old sister in October. She was on her way back home from my house, 3.5 hours away. She was at my door one moment saying goodbye and that she'd call me when she got home to tell me she made it (it was her first time making that long of a drive)... and the next moment she's dead from a head-on collision. She drifted off at the wheel... poor thing was just too tired. It was such a long drive for her.

The shock of it all brings the sort of feelings you are describing. Sometimes you feel like you can deal with it and move on, or that it's not so difficult to just block it from your mind... and then there are the emotionally jarring moments of realization that everything is drastically different and you haven't quite come to terms with the change. And I COMPLETELY understand about family being difficult to be around. It's a constant reminder that there's a missing piece to the puzzle that makes your family a unit.

I just need to urge you that you really need to keep that counseling appointment. If you're not ready to talk about everything, then SAY that to the counselor. Be honest about what you are not ready to face and what you're starting to realize/face on your own. The key is to have that door of communication open. Because if you block it away and try to pretend it didn't happen for too long, it will manifest itself later and be even MORE terrible to deal with.

You're on very sensitive ground..... I was in shock for a about a month or so after my sister died. I thought that maybe I had moved on way too quickly. I was really confused. But I was acting strange in all of the numbness. And then at Christmastime it REALLY hit. And I've been riding a hellish roller coaster ever since.

If it's too hard to be around your family that's understandable. But don't abandon them either. You need each other. Life is so short. Cherish them while they are still alive. You are all hurting and need to stick together.

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