Today and Tomorrow Are Hard For Me

[mrsduc]

I have been up since about 2am which is getting my norm ever since Robert died. I just wake up shaking and have no chance of getting back to sleep. i am breathing so heavy. I go down to my living room and hold Robert in the middle of the night and talk to him and cry. I am having a very hard day today and I know that tomorrow will be even harder for tomorrow it will be 2 months that he was finally found laying in his bed dead for 2 weeks late at night. i was not told until 5:50am on the 18th. So these are the worst days coming up for me. I just thought i was starting to get myself together in some way, but now I feel like I am almost back at the beginning. I tried to talk to my husband about how hard it is for me to know that my son was in his apartment for 2 weeks and no one noticed that he had not been seen especially with how much he came and went with his dogs. He always would be outside. He had a black dog named Baldwin that he rescued from a shelter many years ago just before he was to be killed. Then a year or two later he got this other dog I believe is a boxer that he named Lulu. I love lulu but Baldwin has been in my heart from the moment I met him. When I was out visiting my son this past Sept. Balwin slept with me in the living and Robert would come out jokingly telling Balwin you trader you want grandma over daddy. And Balwin would go and give Robert a kiss like love you dad and then come lay with me, but he never gave me kisses, not like Lulu.

But my husband told me after I said what I said to him that it hurts to know that my son laid there for 2 weeks alone and no one even thought about checking on why he was not taking his dogs out especially since they could see his vehicle in the parking lot of the garage. My husband told me that I need to forget that and quit talking negative. Well that is easier said then done. I cannot help that I think about it, not ever day but it comes into my mind especially around the 4 (for I believe that is actual day he died) and the 17 (because that was the day he was found). To me if that is negative I cannot help it. I at this time and most of the my life cannot help where my brain goes and right now my brain is focused hard on those days. I not only feel like my heart is dead, but I know it isn't or I wouldn't hurt and cry as much as I do. But it hurts so bad all the way into the pit of my stomach. Robert's two friends that he loved and thought of his extended family because they had no family in CA too took his dogs. Cheryl got Lulu and James got Baldwin. I hated that they were separated but apparently there is a rule in CA that you are not allowed to have no more then 3 pets at a time, Whether you have three birds, turtles or whatever. James had two other dogs and Cheryl had two cats. Cheryl sends me pictures and Lulu is so happy I can tell. I am glad and happy about that. But Baldwin is not the same since he has gone threw this. It has changed him forever. I can see it in the pictures that James sends me and he has even talked to me about it. He feels that Baldwin has aged alot being thru the experience of his master not only dying but then being in that apartment for 2 weeks with no food but trying to survive. I am just glad that atleast they were able to survive until Robert was found. I sure had alot of poop to clean up in that apartment. But anyway that is where I am today and am not doing good at all.

Me holding Lulu and Robert holding Baldwin at his apartment this past September 2011

[Maddy6]

Mrsduc,Prior to her death I slept like a log, except during The Katrina year. Anyway, for some reason the pain is more intense at night. Also,I know from reading on here that others suffer the same way.I really enjoyed the stories of your relationship with his pets and smiled as Iread them. The picture is precious of you and Robert with the pets. Absolutely precious! What a special picture to have. Also, do you think it would be comforting if you were to have one of the pets? You were his mom. My daughter left behind a special little dog, it was from an old boyfriend. They had agreed if ever she could not keep it, that he would get it. He totally understood and told us to keep it. At first I did not want it, but I knew Rachael would want us to care for it. Then that little pup gave me tremendous comfort. Knowing he was Rachael's little boy. He was the last thing she had talked to me about on the phone before she told me she loved me,in our last conversation. Anyway, Robert's dog could perhaps bring you tremendous comfort and you are Robert's mom. If you are in a position to take just one of them, maybe you might think of that. Especially with the warm memories of Robert attached to the dog. That is just some possible thoughts. I hope you will have a good night tonight.Love,Maddy

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been up since about 2am which is getting my norm ever since Robert died. I just wake up shaking and have no chance of getting back to sleep. i am breathing so heavy. I go down to my living room and hold Robert in the middle of the night and talk to him and cry. I am having a very hard day today and I know that tomorrow will be even harder for tomorrow it will be 2 months that he was finally found laying in his bed dead for 2 weeks late at night. i was not told until 5:50am on the 18th. So these are the worst days coming up for me. I just thought i was starting to get myself together in some way, but now I feel like I am almost back at the beginning. I tried to talk to my husband about how hard it is for me to know that my son was in his apartment for 2 weeks and no one noticed that he had not been seen especially with how much he came and went with his dogs. He always would be outside. He had a black dog named Baldwin that he rescued from a shelter many years ago just before he was to be killed. Then a year or two later he got this other dog I believe is a boxer that he named Lulu. I love lulu but Baldwin has been in my heart from the moment I met him. When I was out visiting my son this past Sept. Balwin slept with me in the living and Robert would come out jokingly telling Balwin you trader you want grandma over daddy. And Balwin would go and give Robert a kiss like love you dad and then come lay with me, but he never gave me kisses, not like Lulu.

But my husband told me after I said what I said to him that it hurts to know that my son laid there for 2 weeks alone and no one even thought about checking on why he was not taking his dogs out especially since they could see his vehicle in the parking lot of the garage. My husband told me that I need to forget that and quit talking negative. Well that is easier said then done. I cannot help that I think about it, not ever day but it comes into my mind especially around the 4 (for I believe that is actual day he died) and the 17 (because that was the day he was found). To me if that is negative I cannot help it. I at this time and most of the my life cannot help where my brain goes and right now my brain is focused hard on those days. I not only feel like my heart is dead, but I know it isn't or I wouldn't hurt and cry as much as I do. But it hurts so bad all the way into the pit of my stomach. Robert's two friends that he loved and thought of his extended family because they had no family in CA too took his dogs. Cheryl got Lulu and James got Baldwin. I hated that they were separated but apparently there is a rule in CA that you are not allowed to have no more then 3 pets at a time, Whether you have three birds, turtles or whatever. James had two other dogs and Cheryl had two cats. Cheryl sends me pictures and Lulu is so happy I can tell. I am glad and happy about that. But Baldwin is not the same since he has gone threw this. It has changed him forever. I can see it in the pictures that James sends me and he has even talked to me about it. He feels that Baldwin has aged alot being thru the experience of his master not only dying but then being in that apartment for 2 weeks with no food but trying to survive. I am just glad that atleast they were able to survive until Robert was found. I sure had alot of poop to clean up in that apartment. But anyway that is where I am today and am not doing good at all.

Me holding Lulu and Robert holding Baldwin at his apartment this past September 2011

It's ok, sweetie...we are here with you. I know how much it hurts. You are definitely not alone. You have had so much to handle at this time. Hold on to all those lovely and precious memories that you have of that great son of yours. Never lose sight that he loved you and knew how much you loved him. He would want you to be as strong as you can for him..but most importantly for yourself. You can do it. I know you can...and so does he! Hang in there.

[mrsduc]

Mrsduc,In the beginning I woke and roamed the house every night. Also, even now I still wake sometimes. Prior to her death I slept like a log, except during The Katrina year. Anyway, for some reason the pain is more intense at night. Also,I know from reading on here that others suffer the same way.I really enjoyed the stories of your relationship with his pets and smiled as Iread them. The picture is precious of you and Robert with the pets. Absolutely precious! What a special picture to have. Also, do you think it would be comforting if you were to have one of the pets? You were his mom. My daughter left behind a special little dog, it was from an old boyfriend. They had agreed if ever she could not keep it, that he would get it. He totally understood and told us to keep it. At first I did not want it, but I knew Rachael would want us to care for it. Then that little pup gave me tremendous comfort as I would cry and hold him. Knowing he was Rachael's little boy. He was the last thing she had talked to me about on the phone before she told me she loved me,in our last conversation. Anyway, Robert's dog could perhaps bring you tremendous comfort and you are Robert's mom. If you are in a position to take just one of them, maybe you might think of that. Especially with the warm memories of Robert attached to the dog. That is just some possible thoughts. I hope you will have a good night tonight.Love,Maddy

When I first went to Robert's apartment and his father and I talked and we both agreed that the best thing for Robert's dogs was to let them stay in CA where they were use to the climate and not bring back east where the weather was so much different. Robert''s dogs we found out after his death were alot older than Robert was told. Balwin took so well to James who Robert thought of as family and loved him so much as a friend. And he also love Cheryl like a sister. So it just felt right for me to allow both of the dogs to get the special attention with two different people and they come together because they are friends and let Balwin and Lulu play together, so I feel good about that. Plus I have some medical issues that makes it very hard for me to walk and my husband has medical issues because a year ago on Valentine's day he was riding his motorcycle trike to take it to have it stored and our neighbor was following himm and a deer came out and Donald (my husband) hit it. He was medivaced to Baltimore Shock Trama and he was on life support for 9 days. They almost had to aputate his left leg that is how bad both bones were broken. He has been working very hard learning to walk again. But the nerve damage is so severe that it hurts him so much and he is in constant pain. He is able to stay out of bed for acouple of hours but then he is in so much pain. S I knew trying to take either of Roberts' dogs was not the best thing for me at this time. Yes I have two chihuahuas but they weight one 3lbs and one 8lbs. That is so much easier for us because we trained them to go in a litter box so we do not have to go up and down stairs that hurt both of us (we live in a townhouse) to take them outside. But I still love and miss Robert's dogs. But James and Cheryl keep me posted on them and send me pictures all the time, which does help me alot.

[michael watkins]

@ Roberts mom- I relate as I know everyone else does as well my sleeping pattern is horrible and now i just go with the flow of it i wonder will i ever sleep through a entire night again? I just made my 3mont mark and it was full of emotions it hit me very hard again. I am also accepting now this is just how life is for me now some good hours and some good days with a mixture of the emotions - pretty much bypolar now it happens any where at any givin time the tears and the pain comes and comes it never leaves it just subsides for a bit. However i realize and accept this as a part of my life now we have no control over it and all we can do is continue to ask god to give us the strengh to accept the things that we can not change (serinity poem) cause we cant change nothing thats happened to us or how it has happend. When certain thoughts haunt you quickly pray to god to give you that strengh to accept the things you can not change and cry as much as you need when ever you need because each time we cry we are truly one more step closer to healing some. I miss my son so much it i have sharp pains in my chest when i think about how much but 3months in now i accept all that come with my grief cause its expected and normal i know that now and the reason why we are going through this is due to our unconditional love for our son and YES my love for him is just that so i will gladly grieve to continue to show my love forever and you will the same........

[cas1984]

So sry for these duplicates it appears this site keeps saying error and wont let me erase or post any pictures. Im trying to figure this site out & my blurry contact and stuffy nose & headache hurts doesnt help. I am a basket case that just cant leave the house. life seems so meaningless anymore. Today is my husbands 28th Birthday. All he does is work work doesnt show emotions well which hurts alot especially since they were so close but tho its his bday dont feel like celebrating which makes me feel bad for him but Cas shud be here too!

[cas1984]

My God Im crying for you and crying for my son. You sound like me right down to the trader comment Cassidy wud say to me except his ex who hates me for my son not loving her the way she obsessed for him.She got his pug & I wanted her bcus I know how much he loved his monkey face pug & feared her living in that apt right in front of the main streets.. Your story is gut wrenching again relates only I found my son lifeless & being unable to walk or stand w asthma felt my cpr was useless.I blame myself. Total panic but 2 weeks later brings tears to my eyes. Im so deeply sry. I feel ur pain so bad!

[Angel'sSon]

My God Im crying for you and crying for my son. You sound like me right down to the trader comment Cassidy wud say to me except his ex who hates me for my son not loving her the way she obsessed for him.She got his pug & I wanted her bcus I know how much he loved his monkey face pug & feared her living in that apt right in front of the main streets.. Your story is gut wrenching again relates only I found my son lifeless & being unable to walk or stand w asthma felt my cpr was useless.I blame myself. Total panic but 2 weeks later brings tears to my eyes. Im so deeply sry. I feel ur pain so bad!