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Thinking of Strange Things


mrsduc

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I know that I speak in a dark place right now. And I know that Robert would hurt to know I am in this much pain. But I still am there and it is so raw that I can't control my tears. I spoke to my ex last night just so I could talk to someone that would understand how I felt. My husband now when I told him, just hug me and said he wished that he could take my pain, but at the same time he did not lie when he said that he hopes he never has to feel the pain of loosing a child. I told him that I do not wish this on anyone. But I was lying in bed last night and I realize something and i do not know why it stuck at me, like an obsession. But when I was pregnant with Robert in 1979, I was put in the hospital on July 4th and stayed until he was born on the 17th. Well we believe that Robert died on Jan. 4, 2012 but he was not found until the 17th. I thought about this and how his life played out as it did in the beginning and for some reason that amazed me. I held on to this fact for hours last night. I am alot like Robert in that we both try to analyze everything and we need to try and figure out the whys and hows of things to understand and grasp things. It is so hard for me to know that my son laid in his bed in his apartment for 2 weeks until a neighbor realized he had not been walking his dog. This was a guy who loved his dogs and always took them everywhere with him and also loved being outside. So I think of him telling me he felt alone and i would tell him Robert you have alot of friends and he said no he did not. To me that is so sad. Sure he knew alot of people and effected everyone in a positive way who came in contact with him, but not too many close friends. But that too is LA for you. People are into their own life and trying to survive and that was hard for Robert to understand. He took things pretty personally, just like his mom. There still is not a moment that I do not have a thought of my son in my head.

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Linda,That would amaze me also, that comparison in the dates. Also, my husband has not processed grief as I have. Knowing him, he had to be strong for us and that is how he processed his grief. Also, I wanted to say......after we moved to Texas, we were only just settling in when Rachael died. Emotionally I was not in any state to make friends. So in a way, I understand about Robert. I think today's technology has a lot to do with that. Everyone communicates technologically and then they are not missed because it's thought that the person is busy and didn't login, or was too busy to call, or be called. I would try not to think about that, as you could not have known that Robert was alone like that. Yes, this is the walk of grief. The hardest walk I know. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain, together, we will make it through. Love,Maddy

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davincidanes

Wow - definitely amazing about the dates. Gosh, Linda - I know this is so hard for you, as it is for all of us. I last talked to my son on the phone on Dec. 26, the day after Christmas and he sounded so good and happy. We talked about a lot of things..... one of them being my battle with cancer this past year that was totally cured after surgery, chemo and radiation. He was so happy about that, but I told him, I still have this to "worry" about. I still need to be checked every three months to be sure it's still gone. I told him that I have this worry hanging over my head, and I wanted him to get his life together so that I didn't have to worry about him, too. I want to know that he is happy. He said "Mom, I'm doing great! You never have to worry about me!" He was working, spending time with his daughter, living with his dad, and doing things with family and friends. He really did seem happy, so that made my heart sing. Then, on New Year's Eve and Day.......... I thought about calling him but didn't......Why? ... because he's a young man..... and I believed he was busy with his family, friends and work there in Michigan. It wasn't unusual for us to go for a week or two without talking on the phone. He's lived away from me for years. The next thing I get, on Jan. 5, is the dreaded horrifying phone call from my daughter........ his sister, telling me that he is dead. WHY oh WHY didn't I call him on the 1ST????? Maybe it would have made a difference and he wouldn't have started that drinking and drugging binge that took his life. I feel so terrible about this...............

Linda, we all process our memories and pain in this journey..... I suppose, part of recovering from grief is the acceptance of our own questions about "WHY?" things happen the way that they do.

Big hugs to you... ~Linda

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My heart goes out to you along with everyone else on this sight. I wish that we did not need a sight like this, but I am glad I was able to find it when I had no where to turn and the pain was so horrible. I know that I have been talking alot to my ex husband because I know he is hurting as badly as I am and I feel the need to talk to someone that knows how I feel. i have spoken to my husband that I have been married to for almost 23 years and he understands my need to talk to my ex. My husband told me that he cannot understand what I am going thru and I told him, that I hope he never has to. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare that I am on. But I know that it is not a dream. But the reality is not where I can face right now. The pain is so intense I feel like if I was beaten or shot or whatever horrible thing someone could do to me would not be as bad as I feel. I need to find a place that I feel alright again. I am so unbalanced and feel like a numb nothing. Not caring about life or anything anymore. People talk to me about their problems, and I try to help them with them, but inside I want to scream I LOST MY SON HELP ME!!!! But I keep quiet. The nights I sleep a couple of hours and then wake up shaking with weird dreams of my ex mother in-law or a box that I am trying to open and I know if I get it open I will be able to see and talk to Robert, but I am not able to open it. My ex mother in-law kept telling me last night in my dreams "Just you and me". Like we were the only ones left alive. I woke up shaking and could not go back to sleep. Not a split second goes by that I don;t think of my son. He is always and always will be til I take my last breathe be my first love that I ever really knew. He was my first born. I learned so much thru his eyes when he was a child. I learned so much from him when he was able to get back with me. I don't think he knew how much he meant to me and others. I feel so badly that his pain that I knew about was so intensely more than I thought it was, for him to want to die. And for that I don't think I will ever forget that my ex in-laws caused most of his pain and torment. i may one day forgive but I will never forget. They destroyed him with their destructive love and I watch with helplessness while they have completely destroyed my other two, not only buy doing and thinking for them, but they were younger than Robert and they were told that I did not love them and even though I have told them and showed them proof that I love them all these years. Robert showed them letters that his grandparents had put in their attic so that they never got. But I have pretty much given up any hope of having any relationship with the other two. They comfort their dad for he tells me so, but not once have they called or come by to see me and see how I am doing. So tonight I guess I feel so alone and unloved. I thought all my life that love could make anything possible. If you love someone so much sure life can be tough, but your love for each other can help you get through the hard times. But now I am not sure of anything. My world is upside down. I want to run away and then at the same time I want to crawl into a hole and die, then I want to scream. I know that you all know what I am talking about. The pain of loosing a child, to me is like someone going in and pulling my heart out. I just cant stop the pain.

Wow - definitely amazing about the dates. Gosh, Linda - I know this is so hard for you, as it is for all of us. I last talked to my son on the phone on Dec. 26, the day after Christmas and he sounded so good and happy. We talked about a lot of things..... one of them being my battle with cancer this past year that was totally cured after surgery, chemo and radiation. He was so happy about that, but I told him, I still have this to "worry" about. I still need to be checked every three months to be sure it's still gone. I told him that I have this worry hanging over my head, and I wanted him to get his life together so that I didn't have to worry about him, too. I want to know that he is happy. He said "Mom, I'm doing great! You never have to worry about me!" He was working, spending time with his daughter, living with his dad, and doing things with family and friends. He really did seem happy, so that made my heart sing. Then, on New Year's Eve and Day.......... I thought about calling him but didn't......Why? ... because he's a young man..... and I believed he was busy with his family, friends and work there in Michigan. It wasn't unusual for us to go for a week or two without talking on the phone. He's lived away from me for years. The next thing I get, on Jan. 5, is the dreaded horrifying phone call from my daughter........ his sister, telling me that he is dead. WHY oh WHY didn't I call him on the 1ST????? Maybe it would have made a difference and he wouldn't have started that drinking and drugging binge that took his life. I feel so terrible about this...............

Linda, we all process our memories and pain in this journey..... I suppose, part of recovering from grief is the acceptance of our own questions about "WHY?" things happen the way that they do.

Big hugs to you... ~Linda

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