My Wife's last personal items, what to do.

[Sheilz]

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You did well to avoid being taken in for "observation".  It can be hard to get out of that system sometimes. 

It was a careful dance around to get them to let me have someone come & stay with me.  I was trying to be calm & convey the fact that I am "normal" in my grieving.  My niece that made the call is 1 hour away but she didn't even bother coming down.  She left me to try to maneuver all this myself when she knows I can barely get myself out to CVS to pick up meds.  I guess I am thankful that this male neighbor was available to stay but he makes me nervous.  Even before this happened, I kept my distance.  Now he just comes over to my yard & knocks on the door.  If I don't answer, he will call the authorities he said.  

[Sheilz]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Not saying you should be, but I'd be so done with her. Wow.

I guess I'm done with her but by HER choice, not mine.  She is the only family I have in the area (1 hour away) so I was trying to hold on to it.  But this morning she called me to see how I was doing... (no calls yesterday after the wellness check).  I told her I was ok but exhausted after all the drama yesterday.  She flipped out on me & told me SCREAMING that nothing she ever does is good enough for me.  I'm making her crazy & she can't take it any more.  She hung up on me and I proceeded to call her back like a wild woman begging her not to walk away from me & begging for forgiveness.  She never picked up the phone.  Then I got a text message from her husband telling me to leave his wife alone & stop with my "pity me" bullshit.  No one needs to hear all this negativity.  

I'm really in a bad place today.   Hating that my husband left me in this terrible spot.  Mad at him even though I know he is so sad he left me.

[Gator M]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I would be too! Not like you were threatening suicide! The police need a course on grief so they can have a better grasp on what we all feel and go through!  Wow, I am so sorry.

Not saying you should be, but I'd be so done with her. Wow.

Amen...Ann used to say, "Go where you are celebrated not where you are tolerated." 

[Gail 8588]

Sheilz, 

I am so sorry your niece and her husband are being so unkind.  Better to have no contact with them. 

The most charitable thing I can say about them is that they have no clue what grief is. 

Come here to vent, share, cry, question.  We do understand how terribly hard this is.  Most of us have been angry with our dead partner for leaving us, then feel guilty about being angry, then just sob.  It is an emotional rollercoaster; it's exhausting; and there is no way to get off the darn rollercoaster. 

You will get to a place where you feel more stable, but for now it's just baby steps, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to breathe, just getting through today.  

We are with you every step.  We have been where you are now.  Others helped us. 

It is a miserable journey we have each been forced to take, but it does help to know you are not alone.

Gail

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I got a text message from her husband telling me to leave his wife alone & stop with my "pity me" bullshit.  No one needs to hear all this negativity.  

You don't and it seems to me no family is better than that! I am serious, I have no family here, don't see my kids much as they are always working and live too far away but I do okay with just me, my puppy, and neighbors.

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

We have been where you are now. 

Yes and your message is spot on.

[Sheilz]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

We are with you every step.  We have been where you are now.  Others helped us. 

It is a miserable journey we have each been forced to take, but it does help to know you are not alone.

Thank you for your kind words.  They help in ways you can't imagine.  But, of course, you do imagine because you've been there.  

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

it seems to me no family is better than that

I read something today stating that things like this are called secondary losses.  A loss stemming from the "big" one.  It could be financial, social or.... loss of family.  Because she is not worth the effort & trauma it caused me to keep the relationship going.  Nevertheless, I have lost a family member.  I'm still so sad & furious.

7 hours ago, Gator M said:

"Go where you are celebrated not where you are tolerated."

Exactly.  Love that!!!

[Gator M]

Please don't dwell on people who can't see your grief and pain. 

God loves you and understands your hurt.

We love you and understand your grief and know you should deal with it YOUR WAY.

Prayers

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I'm still so sad & furious.

Of course you are! You have every right to be. It's unconscionable what she did to you.

[DMB]

On 5/27/2023 at 6:14 PM, Sheilz said:

It's only been 16 days on this awful journey and someone today told me I should clean out all of his visible stuff & put down cellar.  They said it is making me so sad to look at it all the time.  I wanted to punch him for saying something so ignorant to me but I smiled (cried a bit) and told him I'm not ready.  At this time I can't touch anything, nor do I want to.  I hope in time I can but now is not the time for me.  Everything is right where he left it.  I need those recent memories around me even if they do make me sad.

His truck is a source of pain for me.  It just sits there in the driveway & sometimes I think he is still in there.  He called it his "office" because he did a ton of estimates, phone calls & just listening to music in it before he came into to house.  Not sure what I will do with it in the future, but now I sit in his "office" & cry & cry & cry.  It's still so raw & unbelievable that he is gone.  

I'm so sorry.  It's so new to you and you don't have to do anything except try to survive.  I read a few other posts and I'm also sorry the people around you are causing you more pain.  They obviously don't get it.  Only those of us that have been through it know.

Can you have someone move the truck?  It was a source of pain for me as well, so it was moved as soon as I got home from the hospital the day he died. It never came back.  Seeing the same type still freaks me out a bit (3 years later).   

[Sheilz]

16 hours ago, DMB said:

Can you have someone move the truck?  It was a source of pain for me as well

I can't look at it but I can't get rid of it either.  I sit in it & cry looking at all his current items.  Stuff he was working on (estimates), receipts from Home Depot, Dunkn cup with coffee still in it.  It breaks my heart that he was so "alive" just a short time ago.  When the time comes I don't even have anyone that can take it (or that I want to take it).  I will look at charities that will take it for free.  It's only a "beater" truck but just had lots of work done on it.  Runs great.

[Gator M]

2 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I can't look at it but I can't get rid of it either.  I sit in it & cry looking at all his current items.  Stuff he was working on (estimates), receipts from Home Depot, Dunkn cup with coffee still in it.  It breaks my heart that he was so "alive" just a short time ago.  When the time comes I don't even have anyone that can take it (or that I want to take it).  I will look at charities that will take it for free.  It's only a "beater" truck but just had lots of work done on it.  Runs great.

Sheilz:

 

There are lots of places that will take the truck and anything you don't want.  The Disabled Vets even have a truck and they'll pick stuff up.

That said, you may want to wait a little while.  I plan on having my kids and grandkids go through ANYTHING I don't want.  I'm downsizing after my arbitration but that may be 10 months.  

[Sheilz]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

That said, you may want to wait a little while. 

I'm not ready to part with it yet, that's for sure.  It's another crying go-to spot for me.  Painful spot but sometimes I just need to go in the truck & smell him & look around at all his mementos (stuff).  The Disabled Vets would be a good one.  Brian would be pleased with that.

[KayC]

Just make sure to keep it running, maybe get a battery tender on it or disengage it for now so it's not ruined, or take it out and drive it once a week just a few miles.  I have one too I need rid of.

[Sheilz]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

Just make sure to keep it running

Do you think it's ok if I just start it occasionally to run or do I have to drive it.  Because I can't drive (or park) the 67 Belair.  Not sure I'm safe to drive his truck either.  Memories are just to vivid when I get in the truck (& car).

[KayC]

Well drive it up/down the driveway to keep the fluids moving and so the tires aren't resting on the same spot, they can get a flat spot if they sit too long.

7 hours ago, Sheilz said:

Memories are just to vivid when I get in the truck (& car).

Could you have a neighbor do it?

[shawnt]

The last of my wife's shoes went awhile ago, but here at our camp waiting for her is her camp shoes, slippers and boots .I don't think I can move them just yet. Every day it seems I find or see something that makes me realise the enormity of the empty place she has left.

[KayC]

Take your time with it, you can do it now...later...or never.  It's up to you.

[Gator M]

3 minutes ago, KayC said:

Take your time with it, you can do it now...later...or never.  It's up to you.

Amen

[Gail 8588]

@shawnt

At 6+ years, I like having some of my husband's things around the house.  I still think of us as a couple. I wear my wedding ring. Having his clothes hanging on hook on my closet door brings  a smile to my face and a bit of comfort as I touch them.  Books he cherished are on the shelf, harmonicas are scattered about the house often played by the grandchildren he never held. 

If I was younger, and interested in possibly having a relationship with another man, perhaps I would remove more of these personal items.  But for me, I have no interest in finding love again.  I am content with the relationship we had.  I can still feel his spirit close to me and the little physical reminders of his life with me are very comforting. 

Let your heart guide you on whether to get rid of her camp boots and such.  It's okay if you don't want to part with them now, or ever.

Gail

 

[KayC]

And I still have some of my husband's things.

[Gator M]

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

@shawnt

At 6+ years, I like having some of my husband's things around the house.  I still think of us as a couple. I wear my wedding ring. Having his clothes hanging on hook on my closet door brings  a smile to my face and a bit of comfort as I touch them.  Books he cherished are on the shelf, harmonicas are scattered about the house often played by the grandchildren he never held. 

If I was younger, and interested in possibly having a relationship with another man, perhaps I would remove more of these personal items.  But for me, I have no interest in finding love again.  I am content with the relationship we had.  I can still feel his spirit close to me and the little physical reminders of his life with me are very comforting. 

Let your heart guide you on whether to get rid of her camp boots and such.  It's okay if you don't want to part with them now, or ever.

Gail

 

@Gail 8588

I would like to give as much of Ann's stuff to the grandkids as possible.  I will also give her sons as much of her "life before me" things as they want...Keep it in their family.  I will keep a few things...mainly photos and keepsakes. 

I doubt I'll ever take my ring off.  

Like you, I don't see a new relationship in my future.   I'd like a few more single friends.  My BIL and I are considering living together as bachelors when we both retire but that won't be for several years.

I think I will always wear my ring.

Gail...6+ years?...I'm at less than 6 mo...6 years is an eternity.

[Sheilz]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have no interest in finding love again.  I am content with the relationship we had.  I can still feel his spirit close to me and the little physical reminders of his life with me are very comforting. 

As much as these things hurt me right now, I need them around me.  And I know that they will always bring me a bit of comfort.  I'm sure 6 years down the road, most will still be here hopefully making me smile a bit.  I am content with what we had and will never look for something else.  

[Sheilz]

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

I will also give her sons as much of her "life before me" things as they want...Keep it in their family.

I have some antiques that Brian had from his great great great grandparents that I want my step daughter to have.  They were precious to Brian & need to stay in the family.  But I still can't let go of anything yet.  But it will be on my future agenda.  

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

I doubt I'll ever take my ring off.  

Never, ever will I take my ring off.  Not even an option in my mind.  It has such precious memories around it that it will be with me on my finger until it's my turn to leave to go with him.  

[widower2]

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

Gail...6+ years?...I'm at less than 6 mo...6 years is an eternity.

I felt the same way at the time.

Many years later, I'm in utter disbelief it's been this long. Time is weird.

[shawnt]

I have a sweatshirt that still has her scent, it gives me comfort.

I can't think of taking my ring off.

[widower2]

Why would you? You're still married IMO.

 

[shawnt]

Came across a beach bag that Sue used whenever we went, I had forgotten about it. The memories are so strong I just put it back where I found it .

[KayC]

And there it should stay, unless/until YOU feel ready to let it go. Nothing says you need to get rid of anything, now or ever.  It's all up to you.

[Gator M]

I've not touched any of Ann's clothing and belongings.   Mostly waiting on arbitration to see where I'll end up.

I do hate this $#!^

[shawnt]

I would love to be filling that bag with sunscreen and snacks (and a beer or2) and head off to a day of play, when we were young it would have  soothers and baby stuff and when we were older a bottle of wine. I miss having someone to play with.

Going to the beach anyways

[KayC]

Good for you!

[Gator M]

48 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I would love to be filling that bag with sunscreen and snacks (and a beer or2) and head off to a day of play, when we were young it would have  soothers and baby stuff and when we were older a bottle of wine. I miss having someone to play with.

Going to the beach anyways

Amen

[shawnt]

Moved my wedding band to my other hand...... For an hour, didn't feel right. It's back where it belongs .... 

[Gator M]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

Moved my wedding band to my other hand...... For an hour, didn't feel right. It's back where it belongs .... 

Mine is not coming off...at least not for many years.

[RichS]

Mine is staying right where it is as well.

[KayC]

Years ago I paid to have it resized, cost a lot as it had to be taken apart to separate the different types of gold, and then resized and put back together, no idea how.  Then I got dog bites on my hand and it no longer went on.  Now that I've lost weight it goes on again but now is loose.  

[Gail 8588]

I still wear my wedding ring 6.5 years after he died. It still feels right to me.

[LMR]

My wedding ring got too tight and I had to take it off as my finger was swelling up.  Whenever l am able to I will wear it. My "half eternity" that he bought me still fits and I wear that. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

My wedding ring fits tight on my finger, mainly around that joint.  It really swells up when I go walking and it gets painful to try and take it off.  Resizing is an option.  I got gorgeous keepsake ring from the mortuary that has Veronica’s name engraved on the inside and the outer surface is adorned with her fingerprint.  It is one size larger than my wedding ring so it fits a bit looser.  Don’t know when I might wear it.  But, like you all, I am still married to be cherished bride.