My Wife's last personal items, what to do.

[MickeyD]

It's been almost 6 years and I have cleaned out her clothes, destroyed all the documents as per my lawyer and closed all accounts. I had an antique dealer come in and remove all items I or she purchased over 38 years. They only put tears in my eyes. Plus, it would take an eighteen-wheeler to remove it all when or if I decide to sell the house.  I live in a very great area and may never move.  My issue is with her photography, I still have thousands of pictures mounted (I have given away thousands also) and I have them all on my computers if I need to see or print them again.  Since they are digitized, I can get rid of them all physically. The big problem is the awards she won and all the items that came with them. (Clocks, trophies, framed awards, etc.) I have no one to give them too, nobody really wants them, and they are now in many containers.  It really hurts to dump them all in the trash, they are all engraved with personal notes and her name. Has anyone had to go thru this issue? I will always have the photo's since they are stored away in cloud storage.  I just want to get rid of everything else, the house is enough to remind me of her on a daily basis. It's true it takes time and I still get depressed, but those items were only her items, her treasures not mine. (Clothes, shoes, etc. were easy) 

[Gator M]

My sister's husband had a lot of journalism awards and tons of research and materials.  She is donating most of it to libraries and historical societies.

I don't know if that is applicable?

 

[RichS]

I have every card my wife gave to me since we started dating in 1978. I don’t have as many photos as you do. It’s been 8 months since she passed away. I have no plans to throw anything of hers away or even to sell or donate it, but that’s me.

It really comes down to personal choice. There is no right or wrong choice.

[Gator M]

I will keep the notes, cards, and some pictures.  I'll give the kids, especially her sons, anything else that they want.  I want family stuff to remain in the family.

I read some book the other day that we should keep a few pictures but there should not be a shrine.  And we should be able to take our ring off...WHAT?

Now the authors were widowed and remarried to each other...go figure.

This is all personal.  I want to share with the kids and grandkids.  And I have no plans to remarry.

As I have said many times...I am not a citizen of this world...I am looking towards the next...

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gator M said:

I read some book the other day that we should keep a few pictures but there should not be a shrine.  And we should be able to take our ring off...WHAT?

Personally I'd deep six that book but that's just me.  I still have a shrine to my beloved dog from 3 1/2+ years ago!  It's something individual and personal and not up to a book to decide.  And to tell you to take your ring off?!  OMG!

[widower2]

On 4/8/2023 at 11:05 AM, Gator M said:

I read some book the other day that we should keep a few pictures but there should not be a shrine.  And we should be able to take our ring off...WHAT?

I read a book once called Mein Kampf.

Being published doesn't inherently give anything validity and only a fool would think otherwise. Beware of "experts" and follow your heart.

 

[Brazil Man]

I don't advise to donate all their belongins as you might regret aftwards.  But if you already donated all the belongins you can still keep the memories in your heart.
I donated all big items because I moved to a small apartment after her death. I wish i had the whole aparment full of her (our) items but it's not possible. I still keep a smal suitcase with some pieces of clothing of hers. In the early years of grief I used to take each piece of clothing and look at them and cry. Now I don't do it too often. I also like to search webstores and look at the orders she used to do ( things she like to buy).
But as times goes by the webstore owners are deleting her orders for inactivity. Time takes many thing away regardless of our wishes.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Brazil Man said:

Time takes many thing away regardless of our wishes.

It really isn't the friend and healer that society all imagines it to be. 

[widower2]

On 4/8/2023 at 11:05 AM, Gator M said:

I read some book the other day that we should keep a few pictures but there should not be a shrine.  And we should be able to take our ring off...WHAT?

Now the authors were widowed and remarried to each other...go figure.

I learned a lonnng time ago that there's never a shortage of stupidity, including in print. I'd love to tell those people off for their gross irresponsibility in saying something so short-sighted and asinine.

I think the libraries/historical societies are a great idea. Or try other local things such as "artsy places" like museums, etc, they might like to have something to display esp if by a local, although if it's an award I would include the pic or work that got her the award. Or maybe schools, again esp if it's a school she went to or similar local school.

[KayC]

I kept some items but the one I really hang onto is his bathrobe.  It's an intimate item that I often saw him in, in the evening or early morning...sometimes I wrap it around me.

[Gail 8588]

@MickeyD

My husband had jobs that resulted in him getting lots of plaques and awards,  Like you I felt I couldn't just dump them in a dumpster.  So here is what I did.  I took a really nice photo of each plaque, award or proclamation. (Black velvet drape on the table, good lighting, etc) If I had photos of him getting the award, I'd take a photo of the photo with the award. I have all these photos on a memory card. It is my intention to make them into a book (not with a publisher, just an internet service that will make a personalized book). 

I then took the awards that could be reused, by removing a brass plate that referenced my husband and why he got the award, and I gave them to a trophy shop. They were very happy to take them and they dealt with getting the engraved plates off. The awards that couldn't be recycled, I did toss in the trash. 

I feel good that I still have a record of those accomplishments, but I am not burdened with storing all of those items forever. 

I hope this helps.

Gail

 

[MickeyD]

Thank you for your insight. Most of the items are custom made of certain woods. The engraving was in the wood so I took pictures and let them go. I’ve packed the matted photographs that can be framed to give out later or be framed. It’s the last stuff I had to remove. It’s just so sad. Again thanks. 

[MickeyD]

On 4/9/2023 at 6:48 AM, KayC said:

Personally I'd deep six that book but that's just me.  I still have a shrine to my beloved dog from 3 1/2+ years ago!  It's something individual and personal and not up to a book to decide.  And to tell you to take your ring off?!  OMG!

The ring thing was easy for me, I had my ring sized down and put into her ring and wear it on a gold chain around my neck. It's always with me and I feel protected.

[widower2]

I have a few of her clothes, like a t-shirt or three from places we'd been, or one that was the first top I ever bought for her, things like that which have a particular meaning. I have a few other knick-knacks and odds and ends.

[Shinka]

I got rid of most of his things quite early except for cloths I could wear myself. But I have his wedding ring on my middle finger and that's where it will stay because as far as I'm concerned, I'm still married. He just happened to have left his body. Makes communication somewhat tricky. The other day I was looking for sth in his old drawer and came across a paper tissue I overlooked the first time. It still had the sent of his perfume on it and it completely knocked me off my feet. So I put it in a zip lock bag. Occasionally when I have this feeling of:  it all seems like a distant dream, did it really all happen', I take a sniff and feel, oh yes. Yes, yes, yes. It happened alright. 

[shawnt]

The power of her scent is enough to bring me to my knees.

I have whittled things down,if the thought of something being gone hurts,her ring or my ring for example I keep it.When it doesn't sting to let it go I let it go. I think this is one of those things where there is no wrong answer,if there is comfort to hold on to them hold on.

I had an aunt that got rid of everything in the 1st month and moved and 15 years later she still wished she had some things. I think that to early may be a mistake, most things can be done tomorrow 

[KayC]

I agree. My mom came home from my dad's funeral and started throwing things out. She never did say she regretted it, but then my mom was mentally ill.  She was widowed 32 years when she passed.

[Sheilz]

It's only been 16 days on this awful journey and someone today told me I should clean out all of his visible stuff & put down cellar.  They said it is making me so sad to look at it all the time.  I wanted to punch him for saying something so ignorant to me but I smiled (cried a bit) and told him I'm not ready.  At this time I can't touch anything, nor do I want to.  I hope in time I can but now is not the time for me.  Everything is right where he left it.  I need those recent memories around me even if they do make me sad.

His truck is a source of pain for me.  It just sits there in the driveway & sometimes I think he is still in there.  He called it his "office" because he did a ton of estimates, phone calls & just listening to music in it before he came into to house.  Not sure what I will do with it in the future, but now I sit in his "office" & cry & cry & cry.  It's still so raw & unbelievable that he is gone.  

[Gator M]

12 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

It's only been 16 days on this awful journey and someone today told me I should clean out all of his visible stuff & put down cellar.  They said it is making me so sad to look at it all the time.  I wanted to punch him for saying something so ignorant to me but I smiled (cried a bit) and told him I'm not ready.  At this time I can't touch anything, nor do I want to.  I hope in time I can but now is not the time for me.  Everything is right where he left it.  I need those recent memories around me even if they do make me sad.

His truck is a source of pain for me.  It just sits there in the driveway & sometimes I think he is still in there.  He called it his "office" because he did a ton of estimates, phone calls & just listening to music in it before he came into to house.  Not sure what I will do with it in the future, but now I sit in his "office" & cry & cry & cry.  It's still so raw & unbelievable that he is gone.  

It's still very raw for you.  Please, don't focus on people who have not been there...most are clueless.

Now some people pack everything up immediately.  Some never get rid of their lovers stuff.

 

You do what is best for you...when the time is right FOR YOU. 

I plan on giving as much as I can to the grandkids and then the kids.  I'll keep a few things.

But I plan on downsizing.  My BIL  now wants me to move in with him in the next 3-4 years. 

Right now I need out of this house...the attorney is saying 10mo.  I'll know more then.

As of now...it's day by day and most of these suck bayou water.

My prayers are with all of us.

[KayC]

Listen to your heart, it'll tell you what to do and when. 

I had to clean out George's car and sell it a couple of weeks after as I couldn't afford the payment, a guy at work used to be a car salesman, he took it home, detailed it and sold it. I gave him George's trailer for his family...which meant I had to clean it out.  That like to have killed me! It seemed just like the day before I was sewing curtains for it and lining the shelves....

[Shinka]

6 hours ago, Sheilz said:

It's only been 16 days on this awful journey and someone today told me I should clean out all of his visible stuff & put down cellar.  They said it is making me so sad to look at it all the time.  I wanted to punch him for saying something so ignorant to me but I smiled (cried a bit) and told him I'm not ready.  At this time I can't touch anything, nor do I want to.  I hope in time I can but now is not the time for me.  Everything is right where he left it.  I need those recent memories around me even if they do make me sad.

His truck is a source of pain for me.  It just sits there in the driveway & sometimes I think he is still in there.  He called it his "office" because he did a ton of estimates, phone calls & just listening to music in it before he came into to house.  Not sure what I will do with it in the future, but now I sit in his "office" & cry & cry & cry.  It's still so raw & unbelievable that he is gone.  

It may be well meant but it's so ignorant... As if cleaning out his things is going to make you less sad. Why on earth must people always have an opinion about things they don't know anything about? What's wrong with just shutting up and be with the person in their loss? Sheilz, you cry all you need to and as long as you need to  and if people don't understand, tell them to take a long hike. On the Moon. 

[Jemiga70]

7 hours ago, Sheilz said:

At this time I can't touch anything, nor do I want to.  I hope in time I can but now is not the time for me.  Everything is right where he left it.  I need those recent memories around me even if they do make me sad.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. Sixteen days is not long at all. Be kind to yourself. Listen to your heart and do what brings YOU comfort.  I'm nearly 25 months in.  I kept anything of my wife's that meant something to me; clothes, jewelry, books,  eyeglasses....  I donated anything that had no meaning.  No regrets.  I have all our household goods in storage boxes. I'll deal with those when I'm ready.

A few wks ago I did an experiment to test my feelings.  I put away all her pictures and pictures of our beach wedding.  I lasted about 2 days before I had to bring out the pictures again because I was feeling panicky and alone.  That was a good way to gauge what brings me comfort. I do understand when you say you need recent memories around you even if they make you sad.

[shawnt]

I gave some coats and jackets to my wife's sister.The first time I seen her wearing one that I new Sue liked it have my heart a pretty hard tank.

Give yourself all the time you need. All of these things that we have to do, paperwork, clearing things out ,thank you cards cost us emotionally and can all be done another day . When you can't do anymore ,do it tomorrow or next week. Some of your strength will return.

[Sheilz]

13 hours ago, Gator M said:

But I plan on downsizing.  My BIL  now wants me to move in with him in the next 3-4 years. 

You are very fortunate that someone cares about you enough to want you to move in.  Unfortunately, I don't have that comfort zone to resort to if I need it.  It's not that I would be able to make the move (mentally or physically) right now.  But knowing when I needed it, it's nice to know you have options.  I agree it sux.

[Sheilz]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

It seemed just like the day before I was sewing curtains for it and lining the shelves....

Everything is exactly the way the house was when he left to go into the garage that terrible day.  Everything that he was in the middle of is still right here waiting for him to finish.  His dirty coffee cup, his paperwork that he was researching online, his phone is in the charger... even the tv channel that he was watching that morning has not changed because he had the ID channel on & joked with me that he was on a "case".   Am I going insane?  I feel it.

[Sheilz]

8 hours ago, Shinka said:

you cry all you need to and as long as you need to  and if people don't understand, tell them to take a long hike. On the Moon. 

I'm afraid my crying & depth of my grief is increasing.  I cry 24/7 now.  It's becoming increasingly difficult to get out of bed.  The pain is getting the better of me.  

50 minutes ago, shawnt said:

Give yourself all the time you need. All of these things that we have to do, paperwork, clearing things out ,thank you cards cost us emotionally and can all be done another day . When you can't do anymore ,do it tomorrow or next week. Some of your strength will return.

I have done nothing yet & not sure how long I can put off paperwork, finances, bills.  I pray for strength to get through this.  I'm just not sure about my capabilities at this point.  I'm doubting my mental abilities.  I'm afraid of what is happening.  

[DWS]

15 hours ago, Sheilz said:

It's only been 16 days on this awful journey and someone today told me I should clean out all of his visible stuff & put down cellar.  They said it is making me so sad to look at it all the time.  I wanted to punch him for saying something so ignorant to me but I smiled (cried a bit) and told him I'm not ready.

This is where the grief warrior comes out in me (which is something I know I have to quell at times) but it's good to hear that you have some strength to do battle with others' suggestions of making you "better". As if our loss isn't the greatest devastation to happen to us, we have those around us...those who we were perfectly comfortable and content with before suddenly seeming to be strangers and complete jerks....and that can feel frightening. Unfortunately, it's what happens. That's what most of us learned to do when we see sorrow...cheer the person up and take away what is causing the pain. If they can't do that, they start feeling helpless and useless. I guess the hope is that they catch on to their awkwardness and eventually come around to being with us in this pain. 

Here is Megan Devine reading an excerpt from her excellent book "It's OK That You're Not OK". I'm hoping this is helpful....

 

[shawnt]

No you are not. It is normal to want things to stay the same and keeping things the way they were is giving you something for now. One day, maybe tomorrow, you will clean that cup or change the channel and slowly start the new life. Each time I make a change it burns. 

I have enjoyed a few changes, she left her makeup and women's stuff all around the sink,one day I put it away (in her drawer) I can't chuck it yet. And I like being able to use that sink again.

That's the way it goes for me , little bits when I can and want. I found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that there is no our bathroom \bedroom it is just mine . No matter how hard I pray or wish it to be ours.

[shawnt]

All of that paperwork can & should be done by other people. All sorts of people say"if there is anything I can do " use that,most of them mean it.

+ Banks,insurance companies and any agents or advisors \lawyers are prepared and in some cases have been paid to help you . Please remember paperwork can always be done another day. You are in a marathon not a sprint. Unfortunately a long gruelling marathon that you never trained for.

Give yourself a break, breath in , breath out that's all you have to do today.

[KayC]

42 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

I'm just not sure about my capabilities at this point.  I'm doubting my mental abilities. 

I've seen this in my friend Iris, her husband died 2/4/23, sometimes she is lucid and I'm amazed and other times...it will dissipate eventually.  

[KayC]

I love that, "The vomit metric."  Good to consider.

[Gator M]

51 minutes ago, shawnt said:

No you are not. It is normal to want things to stay the same and keeping things the way they were is giving you something for now. One day, maybe tomorrow, you will clean that cup or change the channel and slowly start the new life. Each time I make a change it burns. 

I have enjoyed a few changes, she left her makeup and women's stuff all around the sink,one day I put it away (in her drawer) I can't chuck it yet. And I like being able to use that sink again.

That's the way it goes for me , little bits when I can and want. I found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that there is no our bathroom \bedroom it is just mine . No matter how hard I pray or wish it to be ours.

I've given some things to the grandkids.  I plan on giving most of it to kids and grandkids.  I know she would have liked that.

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I've given some things to the grandkids.  I plan on giving most of it to kids and grandkids.  I know she would have liked that.

I plan on giving anything that my (step)daughter wants to her & grandson.  The family heirlooms belong in her family.  She lives so far away that it will be a chore to do.  Plus my husband was a car buff & he had a 67 Chevy (forever) that was his baby called "Ole Blue" that rightfully goes to her.  I will cry when it goes but it will be a complicated event getting it to her.  No rush in doing so.  Everything just seems so complicated & overwhelming.  

[RichS]

3 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I'm afraid my crying & depth of my grief is increasing.  I cry 24/7 now.  It's becoming increasingly difficult to get out of bed.  The pain is getting the better of me.

Know that you have us on this board to listen to you and comfort you. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH THIS to varying degrees. Try to discuss your feelings with your family and friends. Not all of them will totally understand. In that case, we on this board are always here for you and each other.

[Sheilz]

45 minutes ago, RichS said:

we on this board are always here for you and each other.

Tried talking to the few family & friends I have.  I didn't realize how isolated I was because I didn't need anyone but my soul mate.  But when I talked to them, they became worried & suggested a hospital stay.  Do you even believe that????????  So I can't really talk to anyone.   Too much crying in their eyes is a sign of a breakdown or something.  But no one really gets the pain that we are in.  I'm so thankful that I found this board.  I do feel like I am not alone.  When it becomes too much to bare, I come here & post or read.  Thank you to everyone that posts on this forum.  I am blessed to have found it.  

[Gator M]

1 hour ago, Sheilz said:

I plan on giving anything that my (step)daughter wants to her & grandson.  The family heirlooms belong in her family.  She lives so far away that it will be a chore to do.  Plus my husband was a car buff & he had a 67 Chevy (forever) that was his baby called "Ole Blue" that rightfully goes to her.  I will cry when it goes but it will be a complicated event getting it to her.  No rush in doing so.  Everything just seems so complicated & overwhelming.  

Don't make it complicated.  If they want the stuff let them figure it out.

Try and relax.. I know that is almost impossible.  

My situation is tied up in arbitration.  It will determine a lot of my decisions...so for 10 months or so...I wait.

For now, I'll try and heal and adjust.  I'll keep working as long as I can and when the time is right, I'll simplify.  Until then I go from miserable to tolerable and back again...posting here and attending group.

You try and take care of yourself.  Accept help when offered, be kind to yourself, and lean on people who understand.  Those others may mean well but...

 

[Sheilz]

7 hours ago, Gator M said:

Until then I go from miserable to tolerable and back again...posting here and attending group.

Exactly.  Haven't even hit the tolerable part yet.  Posting here is my saving grace.  I have yet to attend a group.  I'm not ready to even walk into a place alone.  But I have looked up a couple.

 

[Sheilz]

11 hours ago, DWS said:

Here is Megan Devine reading an excerpt from her excellent book "It's OK That You're Not OK". I'm hoping this is helpful....

This is perfect.  Even makes sense.  I'm going to look for her book now.  Thank you.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I will cry when it goes but it will be a complicated event getting it to her. 

I had my son sell my 78 Chevy Silverado, it was in mint condition but didn't get many mpg. We're in Oregon, someone in MN bought it, and paid to have it shipped there.  Or she could drive out with a friend and have the friend drive it back, if there's two of them it'd be easier to make the trip.

 

19 hours ago, Sheilz said:

Too much crying in their eyes is a sign of a breakdown or something.

I'm sorry, in reacting this way they have made it difficult for you to reach out to them. It might help if and when you join a grief support group where you can get to know other grievers and perhaps new friends to reach out to that get it.  When we had mine going, we all became close friends and went out together or called each other.

 

[Sheilz]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry, in reacting this way they have made it difficult for you to reach out to them.

Well I guess I can't cry to anyone in my tiny circle now.  My niece (who lives 1.5 hours away) text me this morning & asked how I was doing.  At the time I was having a mini meltdown.  I text her that I was having a meltdown & was going to go lay back down & shut my phone off.  Then I said "when is this pain going to get easier".  Well I then climbed back in bed at 10:00am & found a tv show.  I told myself I am only going to stay in bed for 1 hour then I must get up & shower & eat something.  While watching the tv (with the bedroom door shut) I thought I heard something.  I put tv on mute & I heard someone banging on the door & someone banging on the windows.  I got up & it was the police & people from the crisis center.  My niece called in a wellness check on me.  They wanted to take me in for observation for 24 hours.  They were rude people but after a long time I convinced them that I was going to be ok.  They would not leave without someone coming to stay with me.  A neighbor was in the area looking on & said that he would stay with me.  They took his number too.  Well this neighbor is male & I'm not comfortable at all about this.  I don't really even know him.  He is sitting in my yard right now while I'm in the house.  My niece that made the call hasn't even contacted me to see if I made out ok.  For all she knows, I'm at a lock up ward.  I am so disappointed & hurt & sad & furious.  I just feel as if I'm getting deeper & deeper in some kind of trouble.  

[Gator M]

8 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Well I guess I can't cry to anyone in my tiny circle now.  My niece (who lives 1.5 hours away) text me this morning & asked how I was doing.  At the time I was having a mini meltdown.  I text her that I was having a meltdown & was going to go lay back down & shut my phone off.  Then I said "when is this pain going to get easier".  Well I then climbed back in bed at 10:00am & found a tv show.  I told myself I am only going to stay in bed for 1 hour then I must get up & shower & eat something.  While watching the tv (with the bedroom door shut) I thought I heard something.  I put tv on mute & I heard someone banging on the door & someone banging on the windows.  I got up & it was the police & people from the crisis center.  My niece called in a wellness check on me.  They wanted to take me in for observation for 24 hours.  They were rude people but after a long time I convinced them that I was going to be ok.  They would not leave without someone coming to stay with me.  A neighbor was in the area looking on & said that he would stay with me.  They took his number too.  Well this neighbor is male & I'm not comfortable at all about this.  I don't really even know him.  He is sitting in my yard right now while I'm in the house.  My niece that made the call hasn't even contacted me to see if I made out ok.  For all she knows, I'm at a lock up ward.  I am so disappointed & hurt & sad & furious.  I just feel as if I'm getting deeper & deeper in some kind of trouble.  

My kids were all worried about me in the beginning...stayed with me for several days...but now????

They'll call and I'll say I'm lonely or miserable but then they drop it.

Your niece sounds like the kind who would put you in a home and then never visit...Please excuse me if I'm wrong.

[Sheilz]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

Your niece sounds like the kind who would put you in a home and then never visit...Please excuse me if I'm wrong.

Someone lately told me that I will be disappointed in a lot of people over this.  They are right.  This one just sucker punched me in the gut & took all the air out.  

My niece wouldn't even put me in a home.  She'd leave me here to rot.  Sorry, but I just have a bitter taste from all this.  

[Gator M]

6 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Someone lately told me that I will be disappointed in a lot of people over this.  They are right.  This one just sucker punched me in the gut & took all the air out.  

My niece wouldn't even put me in a home.  She'd leave me here to rot.  Sorry, but I just have a bitter taste from all this.  

I'm right there with you.   So, then I'm thinking,  why do I bother?

It's clear, our culture has changed.  

But Sheilz...We're  in this together.

 

[DWS]

8 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Someone lately told me that I will be disappointed in a lot of people over this.  They are right.  This one just sucker punched me in the gut & took all the air out.  

My niece wouldn't even put me in a home.  She'd leave me here to rot.  Sorry, but I just have a bitter taste from all this.  

I'm so sorry for all of these awful moments happening to you right now. It all feels so surreal to not only be dealing with the tragic loss but then being left among those who can't comprehend the continual personal devastation. You'd think people could clue in! 

I am glad to hear that you've ordered Megan's book "It's OK That You're Not OK". She does have a YouTube channel with short, helpful videos that you might want to check out. Here is one that I've posted on here before but it's definitely suited for your current situation...

 

[Sheilz]

17 minutes ago, DWS said:

Here is one that I've posted on here before but it's definitely suited for your current situation...

Thank you.  Nailed it.  Only I haven't yet found a surprise in the "good" direction..... except this forum.  Bless you all.

[RichS]

4 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Only I haven't yet found a surprise in the "good" direction..... except this forum.

Stick with this forum. Between all of us here, we will help you get through the roughest part of your life. Others have helped us. WE WILL HELP YOU.

[DWS]

2 minutes ago, Sheilz said:

Thank you.  Nailed it.  Only I haven't yet found a surprise in the "good" direction..... except this forum.  Bless you all.

It's still so early for you but hopefully at some point, you stumble upon someone out of the blue who brings you some comfort. It happened twice for me a few weeks after my loss...most notably, my brother-in-law's sister whose husband had passed away four years earlier. She contacted me the minute she heard and we texted and talked on the phone for months after. She knew exactly what I was going through and felt the need to come to my rescue.

[Gail 8588]

@Sheilz I am so sorry you have had this unwelcome and unpleasant intrusion into your life.  A year or two ago a fellow on this forum wrote about a similar experience, where someone called the police to do a wellness check and he was actually taken in for observation, over his objection!  There he was very careful to answer all questions with the responses that would get him released, rather than the accurate responses that he was depressed and missed his wife terribly, which could have landed him in a mental ward.  He was released in 24 hours as I remember, but it was a very bad and stressful experience for him too.

Police don't understand our grief any more than other people who have not been through this. 

I never really shared the extent of my dispair with any family or friends because I feared that I could be  Baker Acted (Florida's involuntary civil commitment law to protect people who may be a danger to themselves or others).  I had worked in Florida's State mental hospitals and knew I didn't want even a short stay there. 

You did well to avoid being taken in for "observation".  It can be hard to get out of that system sometimes.  (I represented people trying to get released.)

This forum was the only place I could really express how I was feeling. 

Gail

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Sheilz said:

I am so disappointed & hurt & sad & furious.

I would be too! Not like you were threatening suicide! The police need a course on grief so they can have a better grasp on what we all feel and go through!  Wow, I am so sorry.

12 hours ago, Sheilz said:

My niece wouldn't even put me in a home.  She'd leave me here to rot.

Not saying you should be, but I'd be so done with her. Wow.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

There he was very careful to answer all questions with the responses that would get him released, rather than the accurate responses that he was depressed and missed his wife terribly, which could have landed him in a mental ward.  He was released in 24 hours as I remember, but it was a very bad and stressful experience for him too.

I totally remember this and thought of it when he posted about this.