my Grandmother

[angel62]

Hi there,

I've never posted on a forum before but I found this posting board and thought that I should write. I currently live in the UK and returned home to the US 4 months ago to visit for the first time in a year and a half to find out that my Grandmother had just died suddenly. Life has changed since then.

I remember getting off the plane after 23hr without sleep, I remember how weird it was to have my father pick me up instead of my mother as planned. I remember the cold of the parking garage floor as I crawled out of the car, how I had oil on my hands as I wretched in disbelief upon his telling me that my grandmother had died the day before. "No! I'm seeing her on Thursday, it's a surprise! Why didn't I talk to her the last time I called their house, I always ask to speak to her?! It was suppose to be him (my grandfather) not her!" She was his primary care giver you see. These thoughts are still so vivid even though it's been 5 months. It was a really hard month to be home.

Whenever I tell people of her passing and how my life has changed recently they ask me if we were close. I don't understand that and it makes me so angry, would I even mention it if we weren't close? I don't know...

I've tried to find my peace - she was one of many mother figures in my life and one with whom I had a hard relationship, but the last time I saw her in person she told me how short life was and how important it is to let go and try to heal the important relationships in our lives. I believe we had our peace.

But I guess it's the first time in my life that I'm asking why I'm here, what's it all for and what does any of it mean. I've been having panic attacks lately, been eating, stuffing myself without consequence and frustrated all the time. This has been very hard on my relationship with my partner but she is really trying to give me the space I need to figure out how to take care of myself. Some days I think it's my job that I hate and some days I think it's the weather - everything but my grief. Everyone tells me to take care of myself, to eat well, to exercise, etc. All I've been doing is throwing myself into work and then breaking down weekly from exhaustion. I can see myself in this cycle and I imagine I've taken on so much work because I've been feeling afraid lately and have been trying to be a bit more "responsible," whatever that means even though my current job has nothing to do with my artistic education.

When I close my eyes and listen to my heart I know that she is here, I know the values she left me with, I know how I even want to assert them in my life and I've thought a lot about my priorities and mentally I think I'm really onto a good way. But I wake up in the morning feeling like I don't know how to feel grateful for my life any more or how I am suppose to actualize moving forward or even that I should have done it already.

Some days are better than others but lately I've been having these dreams that I'm dying of something and that I just need to live now, right now whatever that means. How do you get through it? Do you really just have to fake it 'til you make it? I don't know..

This is the prayer on the back of her prayer card and I read it every day.

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light

Where there is sadness, joy.

Her name was Joyce. I just pray to feel the peace and love and joy she brought to others in my life again some how. Right now I just feel so far away. I wonder if anyone else can relate.

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Angela

[ModKonnie]

Hi there,

I've never posted on a forum before but I found this posting board and thought that I should write. I currently live in the UK and returned home to the US 4 months ago to visit for the first time in a year and a half to find out that my Grandmother had just died suddenly. Life has changed since then.

I remember getting off the plane after 23hr without sleep, I remember how weird it was to have my father pick me up instead of my mother as planned. I remember the cold of the parking garage floor as I crawled out of the car, how I had oil on my hands as I wretched in disbelief upon his telling me that my grandmother had died the day before. "No! I'm seeing her on Thursday, it's a surprise! Why didn't I talk to her the last time I called their house, I always ask to speak to her?! It was suppose to be him (my grandfather) not her!" She was his primary care giver you see. These thoughts are still so vivid even though it's been 5 months. It was a really hard month to be home.

Whenever I tell people of her passing and how my life has changed recently they ask me if we were close. I don't understand that and it makes me so angry, would I even mention it if we weren't close? I don't know...

I've tried to find my peace - she was one of many mother figures in my life and one with whom I had a hard relationship, but the last time I saw her in person she told me how short life was and how important it is to let go and try to heal the important relationships in our lives. I believe we had our peace.

But I guess it's the first time in my life that I'm asking why I'm here, what's it all for and what does any of it mean. I've been having panic attacks lately, been eating, stuffing myself without consequence and frustrated all the time. This has been very hard on my relationship with my partner but she is really trying to give me the space I need to figure out how to take care of myself. Some days I think it's my job that I hate and some days I think it's the weather - everything but my grief. Everyone tells me to take care of myself, to eat well, to exercise, etc. All I've been doing is throwing myself into work and then breaking down weekly from exhaustion. I can see myself in this cycle and I imagine I've taken on so much work because I've been feeling afraid lately and have been trying to be a bit more "responsible," whatever that means even though my current job has nothing to do with my artistic education.

When I close my eyes and listen to my heart I know that she is here, I know the values she left me with, I know how I even want to assert them in my life and I've thought a lot about my priorities and mentally I think I'm really onto a good way. But I wake up in the morning feeling like I don't know how to feel grateful for my life any more or how I am suppose to actualize moving forward or even that I should have done it already.

Some days are better than others but lately I've been having these dreams that I'm dying of something and that I just need to live now, right now whatever that means. How do you get through it? Do you really just have to fake it 'til you make it? I don't know..

This is the prayer on the back of her prayer card and I read it every day.

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light

Where there is sadness, joy.

Her name was Joyce. I just pray to feel the peace and love and joy she brought to others in my life again some how. Right now I just feel so far away. I wonder if anyone else can relate.

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Angela

Angela,

I am very sorry about your grandmother. I want to tell you that you what you are experiencing is "normal" if there is actually a "normal" for grieving. Many people report this same viscious cycle. Oftentimes, when someone we love dearly dies, we are suddenly aware of our own mortality and our own defects, and that compounds the problem. Add that to your job stress, your unresolved feelings that you didn't get to see your grandmother, and every other daily stress, and of course you are feeling completely unsettled, anxious and panicky. The nightmares and panic attacks are common; I experienced them when my dad died, and I know others experience them too.

Have you tried writing down all of your feelings? What about talking with others about them? Do you have anyone else to talk to? We will be here to listen to you,

ModKonnie

[angel62]

Angela,

I am very sorry about your grandmother. I want to tell you that you what you are experiencing is "normal" if there is actually a "normal" for grieving. Many people report this same viscious cycle. Oftentimes, when someone we love dearly dies, we are suddenly aware of our own mortality and our own defects, and that compounds the problem. Add that to your job stress, your unresolved feelings that you didn't get to see your grandmother, and every other daily stress, and of course you are feeling completely unsettled, anxious and panicky. The nightmares and panic attacks are common; I experienced them when my dad died, and I know others experience them too.

Have you tried writing down all of your feelings? What about talking with others about them? Do you have anyone else to talk to? We will be here to listen to you,

ModKonnie

Konnie,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I can't tell you what it means to know that I'm not alone in this "cycle" or with the other sensations I'm experiencing. Thinking that I'm the only one whose reacting like this has been one of the hardest parts.

I recently started seeing a therapist but I realize now from reading your post that I have been avoiding talking about my grief. I'd like to change that even though its hard.

I'm so glad there's a space like this to grieve.

Thank you,

Angela

[BAMoots]

I know how you feel. I just lost my grandmother who was my spiritual leader as well. She had been fighting cancer for about a year but we all thought she was doing better. then out of no where it was like she was bad again and in a span of 5 days she was gone. I am so broken. I so sorry for your lost, but know you are not alone.