My mother passed away

[nycdoctor]

My mother passed away.

 My mom was my everything to me. My dad passed away 7 years ago. I feel alone. I feel sad. It hard to believe she is not here anymore. Who do I go to if i need help or anything else.

[Traz]

Hi Nycdoctor,

Losing a parent who you were so close to is one of life's biggest blows. I am so sorry about your mom. This group has helped me quite a bit and don't despair if you don't get a reply right away. Keep reaching out. There are other online support groups out there too like What's my Grief etc.. 

You could also check out if there are any free support groups in your town if you're comfortable going to in-person meetings.

Our local hospital runs a grief support group for those who lost loved ones to a terminal illness. Perhaps your local hospital or hospice near you could give you some information to help you. 

Do you have anyone else who can help you bear this burden? Siblings? Cousins or Aunts/Uncles? Close friends? Grief is an isolating experience for many of us, which is really bizarre because millions of people are experiencing the same thing all over the world. As a society on the whole, we don't talk a lot about grief. And we should. We all lose people throughout our lives and we should be able to share our experiences freely. 

Amazon is a good resource for books on grief. I listened to podcasts by authors who lost their moms and it helped me feel less alone.  I like writing and my journals are my one solace. I also bought a special journal just for writing to my mom in. I write to her like I'm writing a letter. I tell her my feelings, how much I miss her... I share what's going on in my life, my kids' lives (her grandchildren) ... stuff like that. It has helped me process my grief. 

The first year is a mind-numbing blur. Some people cry non stop. I didn't cry for six months and thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone has their own process and it's different for different people.  As they say, there is no one right way to grieve. 

As weird as it sounds, I found great comfort in books and videos on YouTube about Near Death Experiences. It gave me enormous comfort to hear the experiences of people who had clinically died but came back. It offered me hope that my parents are on a different plane of existence and we will meet again. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I thought I'd throw that out there. Dr. Bruce Greyson has written some good books about his patients and their NDE's. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and please know you're not alone. 

Peace and light,

Traz

 

 

[nycdoctor]

Traz,

 

Thank you for responding. I am sorry for the delay. I have been waiting NDE video and books when my dad passed away. It helped. Please send me the link to the podcast please. We had a memorial this Sunday for my mom, and it is tough. I am in denial. If I look at her picture or anything else related to her. I start crying and can't stop.  I want to be with her.

[Traz]

Hello Nycdoctor,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, my heart goes out to you. Please know all of the things you described are all part of this awful experience we call grief.

I lost my dad too, many years before my mom. In a way, his death was easier for me to accept and process than my mom's. And I was closer to my dad than my mom, so it didn't make a lot of sense to me at the time.

When your remaining parent dies, you feel (or at least I did) like there is no anchor there now. That part of your life has shifted now into something completely different and foreign. It's a journey in itself.

I'm glad you got some peace from watching NDE's when your dad passed. There's a fantastic series on YT by Anthony Chene productions. Of all the things I tried to help me through my grief with my mom, that brought me the most  peace. 

I'm so sorry, I don't remember the name of the podcast, but it was on Spotify. If you type in the search box for podcasts on grief, there are many to choose from. 

I hope this helps and please know you're not alone. We are all here, united in our grief and in our love for those who have left us. We will see them again, but they want us to live life to the fullest until that time. 

Take good care,

Traz

 

[mhawke67]

so sorry to hear.

[nycdoctor]

I find it hard to believe she is gone.

[Michael Williams III]

😔😥😔My sincerest condolences to all who’ve lost and are grieving as well. I am in such a dark, deeply sad, very sorrowful if not despairing pit. 💔 I loss my beloved adopted mom a year in ago right before Christmas during a surge of Covid. Which brought so many losses for so many people which aren’t often talked about enough if not simply glossed over. This is the second year without her. The absence, the hole is so very deep.   😞😪😞 Her birthday just passed, not too long ago along with the second Easter without her. Not to mention upcoming Mother’s Day along with my biological fathers passing anniversary intertwining one another. I feel so alone and isolated being parentless, feeling very orphaned, which I’ve felt most of my life having been abandoned and severely neglected by my biological mother. Who till this day I don’t even exist to, or matter whether I’m living or dead.💔 My phenomenal adopted mom was my rock, if not anchor, whom kept me going in many ways. I could always call her if not go home, away from home to visit, spend time with her. A shelter of constant love, grounding, stability, from an already chaotic dysfunctional cruel world if not society.   Now, I don’t even have that, 😢😔😥 I’m pretty young in an age group where most have their parents or a parent to rely on if not step parents. At times I’ve seen some treat their parents like garbage, I say this lightly, life I feel is and can be so cruel if not unkind. To some of us like myself more than others, as a person of faith and somewhat religious if not more spiritual, I feel very abandoned by God if not angry with him/pretty forsaken. Why me, why all of the suffering, uncertainty, & unanswered questions along with prayers even.💔😥💔 No one could ever love me like my beloved phenomenal mom did, the entire adopted family unit I knew fell apart and shattered with her passing, unbelievably. In her death I’ve seen some of the most what appeared to be loving, gracious individuals just simply dwindle away or show ugliness to remind me I’m just or was only a foster/adoptee to her. Not really apart, of the family…😔💔😥 That hurts me deeply,and is an added layer to this already sorrowful pain I’m in. I opened my heart up to someone in the midst of her sickness, illness and health battle to recover & overcome what ultimately and sadly took her away. He took my heart for granted and broke it despite my mourning/grieving, and being as open with him as I could be. He broke it, I don’t feel there’s any love, light, or hope here anymore like I once did when my mom was present.😰💔😥 I’ve seen so many I thought friends, associates, people in the religious community,  extended family even, disappear there’s so much stigma in this culture if not society when it comes to grief or suffering. 💔🌏💔That you’re supposed to be strong, they’re in a better place, aren’t you over it, because it’s been a year or several years, go seek help. Because they’re tired of your grief and pain, or you should be over it and because you’re not praying, or being productive, blah blah blah I could go on & on with the ridiculous cliches and dismissiveness I’ve felt even by those who claim to love me.             It adds to the already deep if not fresh massive immense grief/sadness I already feel as I’ve said before. 😢😔😥 This world the people in it, can be so cruel and unkind, I rather suffer alone in silence. Than to be vulnerable if not open in my grief to have my heart broken or those same people turn their backs. 😰😔😪 Because I’m not the fun Michael, or my grief with taint them. 💔 But in this same society that validates people more when they’re dead everyone comes out of the shadows. Of how much they loved, or cared, cherished etc. Celebrating people more dead than alive, then rather sit and be with others in their low moments not inflicting them to get over it. Or rush through their grief or pain of whatever kind. If not even mental health struggles 😔I’m not happy here and I really don’t even want to be here anymore. A huge part of me died if not shattered when my beloved phenomenal mom passed. I don’t know how to carry on and not have her shoulder or my fathers to rely on for guidance. The future I won’t have the plans that won’t come to pass, the things they won’t in the physical sense ever get to see. Their voice, hugs, warmth. 😔😢😔 The milestones/anniversaries hurt so deeply, the holidays if not more. She passed right before Christmas a holiday favorite of hers and once mine, she always made it so special and now it’s all gone, no one could love me like my adopted mom did, and my biological father did. If not several others, my late adopted aunts paternal grandmother, who are also  simply now gone…💔😥💔                                    I don’t know how to remain, in a world if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. 😔😰😔 I don’t see the point anymore, I just wish my mom and dad were here, my amazingly phenomenal adopted mom who was there for over twenty years for so many of us discarded, abandoned, tossed to the side children. Which the system in this country is still horrible, the prolifers are so full of it, there’s so many children in this country and world suffering.💔😪💔 I was one of them and my scars are still deep if not the pain though I’ve come  this far, I’m not unscathed because of the love from my dearest phenomenal adopted mom. Who will always be the mother I never had which is what makes this grief, sadness, hole of absence, dark pit, if not broken heart all the more unbearable…💔🌏😢

[Traz]

Hi Michael,

The pain and loss is so apparent in your words... I feel so much for you.

I wish I could take all our collective sorrow away. All I can say is that with time, it does lessen somewhat. It becomes a part of our lived experience, but no longer feels like it's going to kill us. 

Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I am bawling and inconsolable. But little by little, the light peeks through. 

Your adopted mom was a gift in your life. She took over where your own biological mother could or would not. I can't sit here and pretend to know what it would feel like to be abandoned by my own mother. To have had a chaotic upbringing with no stability must have left very deep wounds. I am so glad that you had your adopted mom in your life. Nothing can ever take that away. Love does not die. I am so sorry that the people in her family went their separate ways after her death. Maybe they are just grieving in their own way and don't know how to help anyone else right now? Perhaps in time, you could reach out again? It happened in my own family and slowly, over the last few years we are re-connecting. 

I really would suggest seeking some type of counselling if you are at all able to. Not only are you grieving, but you might have the wounds from the past coming forward now. I will sound like a broken record because I tell everyone on here about this but honestly, watching Near Death Experiences on YouTube has helped me the most out of everything. (Anthony Chene Production)

I don't know if it would conflict with your religious views, but the message is universal: we are divinely loved. I feel that your adopted mom would want you to go on and be happy. Take the gift of her love and pass that on to others. Maybe not now, tomorrow or next month. But when your heart is not so broken and grieving, try to give the love back.

Who knows, you could possibly mentor someone at some point in your life who may have experienced neglect and abandonment as you have. But right now you need to grieve and find comfort. I hope you are able to find someone to help you through this life-changing event. Please reach out any time you need to on this forum as well. We may not have the same experiences but we know what sadness and emptiness feels like. 

Keeping you in my prayers.

Traz