lost 2 day old son

[sprout1212]

hello all, I am new here and from the advice of another member they suggested I write in this topic about my story...

After trying for "kind of short" while to conceive a child my fiance and I found out we were pregnant on 4-18-11, we waited to tell our family about the baby untill we got our 12 weeks ultrasound to 'make sure' everything was ok... most people say if you make it to then your baby is most likely ok. We go on to our 20 week ultrasound, no mention of anything wrong with the anatomy... the whole pregnancy the drs told me my child was ok up untill October 14th,2011 ... i was in a car accident and the seat belt hurt my stomach so I was sent to the hospital, they performed an ultrasound there to check on the baby... they came back and told me the amniotic fluid was low around him, they treated me as if my water had broken but after a few more tests they learned this was not the case... a spent a week in the hospital with drs telling me all sorts of things back and forth and back and forth.... the outcome was that they knew something was wrong with my sons kidney or kidneys... they couldnt even tell me if he had two because with the lack of fluid around him, they couldnt see his insides to well. i was sent home from the hospital being told there was nothing I could do to help him, I hated this being told I cant help him... i just started to eat even healther and resting and tried to do my best to not cause stress to him... i visated the dr twice a week for the rest of my pregnancy, they told me to abort him (at 29 weeks!!!!!), never the less we did not, they told us he wouldnt grow, but he continued too... they then told us we wouldnt make it past 32 weeks... my son came at 39 weeks... he was born December 24th, 2011 and passed away just after christmas was over on the 26th. his lungs did not form properly due to the lack of amniotic fluid because of his kidney not functioning. I still have not got his autopsy back yet and we will have to go for genetic testing to see what the chances are of us having this happen again. His funeral was yesterday, and today I recieved a copy of his cetificate of baptism in the mail ( it was terriable opening the mail... had sympathy cards, mail addressed to "parents of baby mcdonnell" , coupons for baby items, even parents magazine... I started to hysterically cry. I at random just cry, i wake up looking for my child (sometimes i even roll over and grab my stomach and say be careful youll hurt carter), i feel like there is no need for me to get up in the morning. I feel like I should of stayed by my sons side the whole time he was in the nicu rather then in my room, i feel like i should of done more or something, i replay those days in my mind over and over and over and just cry, sometimes i just burst out crying thinking i can not go on with out him... i had so many dreams for him, plans to do things with him... now i cant go anywhere (for example a zoo or park) because i think how i was looking forward to having taken my son there. I tried to go out to eat, but was sat near a infant, both me and my fiance cried. Were both scared to go anywhere in fear of seeing children. Can anyone offer advice on how to handle any of these feelings I am having?

www.facebook.com/carterskidney

i think i may have posted this twice or even three times.... if so i am very sorry!!!

[Susie_q512]

I am so very sorry that you and your fiance have suffered such loss. I followed the facebook link and viewed the pictures posted there. I saw a beautiful baby boy surrounded by love, love, and more love. I also saw the sadness in your faces and eyes. I read every caption beneath the pictures. You did not have much time with your son, but during your pregnancy and the short time following his birth, you poured all of the love in your heart out to him. My heart aches for you. Wish I could change what's happened, for you, for me, for all of us here. All I can do is say, I understand and I am so sorry. (((Hugs)))

[lovingfail]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my child from a miscarriage and it's amazing how insensitive people with the best intentions can me. I was told "At least I am young and can have more" and "At least I couldn't be too attached" (Very wrong...).

It takes a while to really come to term with loss of a baby, born yet or not. I know the agony of trying to be positive when medical personal tells you there is no point. And when things seem to go your way and still feeling like there is nothing you can do for your child, it's the worse feeling ever.

Take small steps while you recover. You can cry when you see other infants. I lost my baby May 2010 and I still feel a twinge of sadness when I see other mom's with their babies or I hold the babies of my friends.

Try babyandbump.com at the loss section. You can find many more moms who lost their child at the same age range you have.

My advice is to let yourself grieve, and to share the feelings with others who are good people who will listen. Know that what you are feeling is not wrong, stupid, embarrassing, or anything. You are doing exactly what anyone would expect.