Numb to the pain

[Paul Stein]

I don't really know if this is the right thing to do, to post I mean. 

It has been one year since my friend Beth died, it was two weeks after we both graduated highschool, she was 18. and it has been 2 months since my stepmother Toni died from cancer at 56. 

Almost immediately after their deaths I was forced by circumstance to stifle the grieving process and continue through the pain business as usual. I never got a therapist, attended any grief support groups, this is the first I've actually put my energy towards dealing with all my pent up anger and pain at the sheer injustice of it all.

I had no time to really work through my emotions because I was preparing for college, and the people around me were all too eager to ignore my pain and instead insisted that I try not to show my emotions as much as possible. My mother called me selfish and all sorts of nasty things when I needed space or wanted to cry, often saying that I should'nt put my feelings before others. 

I am not living with her anymore, but I feel like the damage she did to me is only now being made aware to me. I just held in my pain for so long, now I don't even know what pain feels like. But I miss them so much. I just hate everything. the world itself feels all wrong now that theyre gone. everything is happening clumsily and either too quickly or too slowly for my liking. It's terrible and I hate it. I don't want to live in a world without them. but I don't have a choice, the only option I have is to continue in this loathsome way untill I too am wrenched callously out of the hearts of those I hold dear.

I feel so terrible, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, its been a year and I never let it get better