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Does grief have an "Age limit "along wth an "Expiry date" ?????


stillfighting431

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stillfighting431

A few weeks ago, I went to a clothes store along with my sister where we used to shop regularly .It was our first visit there after mom's death.The senior salesman there who is a bit too talkative for my comfort greeted us enthusiastically and said,"On all your previous visits your phone starts ringing even before you enter the store,then you grab a few things hurriedly & rush off.I hope you've cleared out your afternoon 'cause you can't leave before I show you all the new arrivals".We explained to him how our mom was previously recovering from a total hip replacement but had since passed away.He was apologetic,offered his condolences & then asked how old our mom was.When I said 72 ,he said ,"Well that's okay then.It was her time to go anyway.How long can you expect your parents to last anyway,50 may be 60.I was 14 when I lost my dad,so 72 isn't bad at all."

I was dumbfounded & deeply hurt by his words.That's just one instance.I can't even recall how many times I've heard,"oh ! it's not the same" ".... no her mom was just 40" ."..I was only 23 when I lost my mom....."

Kali shey said it so perfectly...Most people believe there is an "expiry date" on grief.They think that since it's been 6 months now..or a year....you should've brushed your pain aside & moved on with your life.Just like that I feel most people believe that grief has an age limit as well.

From all I've seen & heard it seems grief is supposed to be inversely proportional to the sum of the ages of the deceased & the one grieving for them.So going by that..a 20/30 year old grieving for their 40/50 year old parent is sad &heartbreaking,a 40/50 year old like me, crying for their 70/80 year old parent is "childish" & that would probably make my 71 year old friend in Florida grieving the loss of her 91 year old mother for over a year now,"insane".After all 60 year old & over parents are supposed to have reached their "expiry date" & are fair game now.So grieving for them is foolish because they're supposed to have lived out their lives anyway.

It makes me really mad when I hear people say,how they we're only 14 or 20 when they lost their parent and so those losing a parent at 40 or over can't relate to them.Why?. ..Though I admit losing a parent in your teens or 20s would be very hard since you're still too dependent on your parents for all your needs.You need their help & guidance to discover who you are. But age doesn't matter when it comes to grief.Whether you lose your parent at 20,40 or 60,it still hurts the same..If anything it makes it so much harder to lose a parent with whom you have shared more than half your life.The bond that is forged is so much stronger.You have decades upon decades of memories with them,you come to depend on them so much for advice & emotional support that the loss is unbearable.That void always hurts & can never be filled.

  How can people be so insensitive to belittle your pain & grief like that ?It's not right & it isn't fair.

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stillfighting431

I think a lot of those people were probably never really close with their parents - either on purpose due to some misunderstanding - or perhaps because not all parents want to be that close to their kids.

Look at society today. How many times have you heard parents say: "I can't wait until the kids go off to college and get out of the house so we can live again!"

Couldn't they LIVE with their children? It seems pathetic to think that where others mourn deeply the loss of their parents - others just think nothing of it. They just look at it as a chore to do - like doing laundry.

I remember my mom telling me how sad she felt when I first went to grade school. She told me she cried for hours because she missed me so much. She said it felt like a bit of her soul had been robbed from her.

And then later, when I finished high school and went off to technical school, she still missed me terribly. And I was only 150 miles away from home. But to her it seemed like the other end of the world and she would greet me with love and kisses when I came home on weekends.

I only wish some of these folks that seem so uncaring would have had just 10% of the unconditional love I had from my Mom and Dad.

But in answer to your question - no there is no age limit and there will never be an expiry date to your grief. At least that is what I am convinced of.

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I was so so close to my mother and cried alot today, she loved and missed me all the time. She worked all her life and i respected her. I didn't go away to college right away because i did not want to leave her and she did not want me to leave.

I relate to your story alot.

Happy Holidays, try to enjoy them, as i am trying to do. Its just not the same without her here and never will be.

Debbie

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I agree with you. My momma died 16 days ago, she was 65 and has been sick her whole life. Must people tell me you ought to feel released cause she isn't suffering anymore and that you don't have to deal with homes, state, Medicaid doctor etc... if one more person says that to me I am going to explode. My mom was an extroadinary woman with an extroardimary heart and was loved by all who met her. She lived with me on and off for 18 years when she needed to and the other times was within miles of me. Its been really tough and I miss her so much. We were very close and it's overwhelming to.think I.will never see her beautiful face, her smile, jet hand in mine etc... I just want her to come home.

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stillfighting431

Thank you,Frank,Debbie & Linda for your responses,makes me feel less alone.I'm so sorry for your losses.

Frank you're absolutely right,people who say such things never had been close to their parents all their lives ,so grieving for their parents doesn't come naturally to them ,it's just customary.My sister was born 13 years into my parents marriage, So my sister's birth was celebrated with grandeur by my parents,she was the apple of their eyes.When she was 3 my dad admitted her to a local pre-nursery school( to prepare her for her oncoming admission to nursery grade of a prestigious private school.)although it was just a few miles away,my dad always chuckles as he tells the story of the first day that my sister went to the school,my mom cried more than my sister did.There was a special bond between my mom & my sis,which even death couldn't weaken.My sister still cries her heart out everyday.

Debbie I'm sorry you're in so much pain,but it'll hurt less with time.I cry less ,but it doesn't mean I miss her less. I feel empty inside ,all cried out,like I got no more tears left to shed.

Linda I know the despair & anger you feel inside.Next time an idiot says something like that to you,tell them,"I'm sorry for you loss too,I wish you too had a mom as wonderful as mine".That ought to shut them up for good.

My sister explained this to me today.Guys we're blessed to have had such remarkable moms in our lives,not everyone does.Instead of being mad,we should pity them for they'll never know the pure,unselfish,unconditional love of a mother.And you can't miss what you never had.

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