New Stepping block...so lost

[Blue sunrise]

Hi

I have never posted on a grief site before.  I usually work through things as they come up by myself.

However, this time....I am at a loss

 

A bit of back ground.  I lived with my ma since 2009.  I worked outside the house and helped her with things she could not do anymore.  

2015 I was diagnoised with UC due to parasites...my immune system was destroyed.  So, my mom and I became our own little support group...me always researching how to make our lives better through products (walkers and such), diet, seminars, reiki, anything thing really that I thought could help one or both of us.  She went I to end of life on Valentines day last year.  I became her silent caretaker  24/7, 7 days a week.  Sorry to say, bit the memory care facilities near my home... oh boy...can't go there.  Just not good.  

It was hard, felt trap many a times when I could not get help even for a couple hours to get away from the new version of life we had now entered.  But, we got through it.  But, it left a huge impact on me.  Mentally, I am still peeling away the emotions that still fill my heart and soul.

I had to take a job pretty quickly.  2 weeks after she passed on.

My god, why did I choose this company

The supervisor...he is just messed up.  I ha e had to try to protect myself by getting certain forms to HR  so he cannot ise my auto immune against me, over half his sentences start with an undercut, na there is no way I wil ever please him.

I have talked to his supervisor 2wice now!  Unfortunately, I am stuck till I sell and buy my own little place.  

I uhm, just got over c-diff.  He is like...so dont you have this done, or that.  I just gasp.  I was litterally fighting to stay out of the hospital for little over a week!

i have tried talking with him, but it does not help.  No matter how I try not to sound like I am on the attack, he takes it that way.

 

Anyway.  How does this effect my griefing?

when ma was alive she would say, just grow a backbone, or this is life, but she is gone....and what I have been through the last year.....I have no patients for being treated  like this.

Finding the new me is so hard already!

i have list all energy to go do things I used to enjoy.

and

Every part of me wants to walk into this guys office and let out all my frustrations verbally on him and tell him to go jump off a short pier..and take this job and shove it.

I am the curator of the the will, and working on clearing out the house to get ready for sale.  I still live here.  

It goes for sale mid Feb.

I trying to get through this period of my life is almost as bad as the last week of ma's life....so helpless...feeling of failure to help her stay in this world...and complete and udder loss and she took her last breathes.

Now, my realization...that I am not even close to finding peace.  

 

How, how do I deal with this?

How......

[a.erin]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Losing a loved one is already such a destabilizing experience, and having to go through the transition of finding a new job, especially one that doesn't cultivate a supportive environment, makes it so much harder. I got fired from a job less than 24 hours before my grandmother's death and had to get a new one immediately after the funeral, so I know how navigating a new space while trying to feel like yourself again after a loss feels insurmountable. I imagine it's especially hard for you since your mother was such a supportive figure in your life. This can in no way fix everything you're going through, but have you tried writing letters to your boss venting your frustrations and then ripping them up or burning them or something? It might help expel some of anger and frustration you're rightfully feeling. Not sure if that will help, but I'm hoping you find relief soon ❤️