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Angry, lost.and betrayed


freckledwife

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freckledwife

I lost my husband August 5th 2022 to suicide.  He had  just been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and was severely depressed.

 3 days before his death he had some things on his mind that were bothering him and wanted to talk.

One being an inappropriate relationship with his best friend. I had suspected this was going about a year before his death due to some of their actions and I asked him about it. He completely denied it.

He never said he was having an affair, he just simply said that he needed me to know that he had lied to me about his relationship with friend. He apologized and told me how he regretted it. He told me how he loved me (and I know he genuinely did).

  He was worried that his children (grown adults) , his parents and I would be embarrassed and ashamed of him and would hate him if it became general knowledge and he deeply regretted the affair.

He was extremely depressed so I told him not to worry, that we would deal with this when he got to feeling better. 

3 days later he took his life. I can't help but feel the shame and embarrassment of me knowing and the rest of the family finding out was part of the reason he completed his life.

Now his friend hangs out with our sons, who know nothing of this, and acts like he was my husband's very best friend and my husband was his very best friend. That's how our sons see him.

This Friend cannot look me in the eye and generally is only in the same room if there's other people around. He avoids me at all cost. 

 I cannot stand this person.   I want to confront him and have him stay away from my family but I don't know how to do it without my kids learning of their dad's activities.

I was and am so lost, heartbroken and sooo mad.  I am such a mess inside and I don't know how to handle it all. We live in such a rural very small community. There is no one I feel comfortable confiding in and I have no one to turn to to help me figure out this road I'm on.

Just the grief of losing him is so hard....let alone when the thoughts of his betrayal slap me in the face.  Having to see his "friend" hang out as a father figure brings hot anger to me. 

I don't want to discolor any memories of thier father so I haven't said anything to our sons.

Would it be so wrong of me to quietly confront the "friend" and tell him to stay away? I don't know what to do. It feels like salt being poured into an open wound!

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