Complicated grief after almost 3 years

[Meghany]

My dad was my best friend. He died suddenly in his sleep overnight on Feb 16, 2020. No one knew he was sick; we actually have video of him taken the night before and he looks and seems completely normal. He had a massive heart attack and my mom found him dead in his room. They had been married 43 years.

I've been seeing a grief counselor since March 2020. He swears I've made progress, but I feel absolutely trapped in this grief. It consumes me every single day. I've always been a more emotional person, and I feel completely stuck in this limbo of sadness. I tried antidepressants, but they only disguised the pain. I'm a mother of two children, who were ages 2 and 4 when he passed. Also I have a husband that has never lost a parent. He loved my dad, but he can't relate to the pain I'm in.

I feel like I'm a burden. My mother has started dating again and desperately is looking for a new companion. My brother was always a drug addict, and now he has turned to alcohol. We have a lot of alcoholism in the family and he is literally drinking himself to death. He has a lot of guilt over my father's passing. My sister has also turned to drinking. Regardless, both of them seem so much more "moved on". Everyone is going on with their lives, and here I am, feeling like it just happened yesterday.

I'm stuck in this feeling of guilt and anger at him for not taking care of himself. I have so much anger on my mother for not checking on him sooner. He told her he had pulled a muscle near his sternum and was rubbing it, and she told him she'd take him to the hospital. He denied this and said it was just a pulled muscle from exercising, and she said she'd check on him in 15 minutes. 2 hours later, she finally looked in and he was gone.

My mother has become a major burden. She calls me to unload all of her ridiculous gossip and ask me advice about her boyfriends. My grief counselor pushes me to set boundaries, but this is difficult for me because I feel like she's my responsibility now. My dad is gone and can't care for her anymore, so the task falls to me. My alcoholic brother is living with her and his autistic son. They act like an old married couple together and have a very strange, very co-dependent relationship. But when **** hits the fan, I get the phone calls and I'm expected to run to her aid, even though I have two small children to care for.

Please, someone who has been through this, please tell me when it gets better. Every month I feel that I should be better and it never happens. I am so stuck in this complicated grief and I could spend every moment of each day crying for my loss. I feel it's never going to get better, and I am going to waste my life grieving my father, when there is not a thing I can do about it. I feel so bad for my kids and for my husband, having to deal with my moods and my pain. The only thing that is helping me at all is keeping busy, but it is impossible to be busy all of the time. I take medication to help me fall asleep because if I don't, I still lay in bed having flashbacks every night of the moment I found out. I also have awful pictures in my mind of what his face must look like now, deep in the grave after 3 years. I'm a nurse and I have seen some things, but these are so unwanted and upsetting to me. Ugh, please someone tell me this will go away in time, or tell me how to move on. I'm so lost on this journey.

[Traz]

Hi Meghany,

I'm sorry no one has responded to your post and I hope you are doing okay. Losing your dad,  who was also your best friend is life-changing. My dad was also my best friend and my kids were 1 and 5 when he died. That was 25 years ago and I still miss him to this day. The grief was awful the first year, but like you I had kids that needed me and I sort of shoved my own grief aside. 

Complex grief is different and I relate to your experience. My mom died in 2019 and we had a complicated relationship, which I'm still mulling over. Guilt, anger, resentment, all the things I never expressed while she was living... that makes it hard to process the loss. 

I absolutely agree with your counselor about setting boundaries regarding your mom. I really wish I had done that with my mom. She could be very emotionally manipulative. 

I know it's hard, but she is not your responsibility. You can love her, help her to a point without getting burned out, but she is an adult. When she calls you up to dump on you, you might say "I have about 15 minutes to talk." Try to stick to that and then let her go. 

It sounds like the alcoholism in the family doesn't help matters either, but there again - not your responsibility. Alcoholism runs in my family too and I've watched it destroy lives. My sister's daughter is an alcoholic (sober now) and she found Al-anon to be a tremendous support system. 

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor and I hope you can continue working together to help you move forward. I feel that anger is the one thing that can really hold us back in our grief. 

I was so angry with my sister, who made my mom's last year really difficult. She  left it all on me to handle and take care of our mom. I also had life-changing events happening in my own family and I really could have used her help. All I got was excuses. 

I was so angry with her that I felt like I couldn't grieve my mom's death properly. Like she took that from me too. I'm sensitive, like you and I feel my emotions very strongly. Things like picturing your dad in his grave are just intrusive, unwanted thoughts and we all have those. I understand you don't want those type of things popping into your head. Especially at night, when you're trying to get to sleep. Your counselor may be able to help you with that if they do CBT. 

They call it a grief journey and I can see why now. It's not a straight path to the goal of full recovery. It is a twisting turning road of change and growth. And pain is part of it. But I believe we can get to a place of peace and acceptance one day. We will always miss them and love them but the pain will lessen.

Sending you peaceful thoughts and light.

Traz

 

[Peony]

Meghany, 

I hope you are feeling a little better, I don't come on here as much as i used to but i did today as my complicated grief is difficult lately and saw your post.

I am 3 years into this journey and I'm also a nurse so your post resonated with me. 

I have been prescribed antidepressants more for anxiety but I haven't started taking them yet.  I have ok days when think I don't need them, then a trigger will come out of nowhere and I really struggle.

I get horrible images in my head too and vivid flashbacks to when my mother was in the hospital. Thats the hardest part right now for me. I don't want to type what the images are to avoid upsetting anyone here.

I was wondering if your antidepressants helped with your flashbacks and images?

hoping you are finding some peace

 

[Traz]

Hi Peony and Meghany,

I'd thought I'd share a book I found on Amazon regarding overcoming disturbing thoughts. I haven't read it, but it has great ratings and it's therapist recommended. 

The title is:

"Overcoming Unwanted  Intrusive Thoughts:  A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over  Frightening, Obsessive or  Disturbing Thoughts."

The authors are: Sally M. Winston PysD & Martin N. Seif PhD

Peace to you both,

Traz

[Peony]

thank you so much Traz,  I will definitely look into this.  I've read a few 'grief help' books but this sounds more specific to my needs right now. 

[Meghany]

Thank you both for your comments on my post. The anniversary of his passing is next week and it has been a very difficult time for me. I want you all to know that your replies resonated deeply with me, and I am so grateful that you took the time to share your stories. I hate that other people are going through this, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone.

Traz, I feel like you're living the exact life as me. My mother and I have such a complicated relationship, and I know it will be difficult in the years ahead. Setting boundaries has been helping a lot, but she is still bound and determine to try to shake things up. I think we're all a little emotionally unstable right now because next week is the 3 year mark. I know I will be like you in the future, still missing my father terribly 20 years from now. I suppose it shows how deeply we loved them, and how amazing they are. My dad was always my hero, and he will forever continue to hold that position, even on the other side.

Peony, I did try a few antidepressants including celexa and cymbalta. I have chronic pain so they switched me from celexa to cymbalta (even though the celexa was working well). The cymbalta made me gain a lot of weight, and the withdrawal was absolutely awful; I do not recommend it at all. However, everyone is different. I'm not sure about celexa with the invasive thoughts. I started it right after my father passed and I was on it for about 4 months before they switched me to cymbalta. I will say that later on they diagnosed me with PTSD and they gave me clonazepam. That helped with the invasive thoughts immensely. Within about 10-15 minutes of taking one, it was like I couldn't be sad, and couldn't concentrate enough to have these awful images pop up. It's addictive so that's the one bad thing about it, but it helped a lot with my nightmares and flashbacks.

Also Traz, thank you so much for the book recommendation. I'm going to start reading it now.

I truly give you both the biggest internet hugs, and you are both in my prayers. Thank you for your kindness and compassion; it has been so helpful to me right now.

[Peony]

Meghany, thank you for the hugs and prayers, I'm sending you a virtual hug too.

My Dr prescribed Sertraline/Zoloft. Its a very low dose to start.  I'm thinking of starting them tomorrow morning when I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the meds, I am expecting some side effects too but as long as I don't feel worse mentally, I will try to give them a chance. I want to go back to work but the PTSD symptoms have really knocked my confidence. 

My dad also died in 2020, 9 months after my mom. He had been very unwell for a long time and although it was expected and a release from his suffering, it was still extremely painful to lose him.  I could type much more about all what happened but its too painful for me.

I am on the search for a therapist. I'm definitely struggling with the losses and the aftermath...the re-living of it all, the trauma.

hoping we can all eventually find some peace.

 

 

 

[Traz]

Thank you for the virtual hug Meghany and I send one back - and one to you too Peony!

I really hope you both find the book helpful if you went ahead and purchased it.  I have OCD/anxiety and depression and I take Zoloft. That combined with CBT went a long way to keep me mentally healthy for the last 17 years. Medication is such a personal choice and it can be so challenging to find one that's effective without a lot of side effects. 

I empathize with you both that way. And also finding the right fit with therapists can be a real challenge too. I don't know how many I saw before the right person came along. I know there is cognitive behavioral therapy and also trauma-informed therapy that deals with PTSD. I hope you both find the helping and healing you need. 

Meghany, I understand regarding your mom and all of the complex feelings/dynamics in your relationship. You love her, as I do my mom, but it was  so much easier with our dads wasn't it?  Mine just loved me unconditionally and was there for me emotionally.  It took me years to understand and forgive my mom and I learned a lot of the behaviour came from her own trauma. 

Setting limits and boundaries is so freaking hard, I know. I didn't and ended up drained and physically ill. Detach with love, they say. I know it's easier said than done.

Wishing you both a peaceful weekend,

Traz

[Peony]

Thank you Traz, I hope your weekend is peaceful too.

I am in the process of looking for a therapist, trying to use my insurance so there some limitations with that.  I still haven't started the Zoloft...ironically, anxiety is stopping me. I have googled "Zoloft success stories" and that has helped a little.

Hopefully I will find a good therapist soon, or at least one who has availability.  

Hugs & peace