The loss of everyone

[KAB]

I don't even know where to start. My aim is to find someone who's been through similar just so I could try and work through it. At 17 I lost my mum, she had a brain anyerusm and dropped dead in front of me. I was never the same and feared everyone and everything. Since then I have lost my first baby ( through an ectopic pregnancy) my eldest sister held my hand through this, since mum she has always been my rock. I was then in a massive gas explosion, she was there to guide me through. We lost our nan, I feel like I grieved ok for my nan as this is what I call normal grief. I expect people to die when they are old and I know it's normal part of life. my eldest sister found a lump during this time, she has three children herself and was always in denial when diagnosed. She caught an infection christmas eve and has now suddenly passed. I can't breathe the same. I just keep thinking what's the point. In my mind there csn be no guardian angels or karma or anything. She loved her life, she never smoke drank or anything and lived for her kids she was truly my best friend. Her youngest just turned 9. I feel jinxed and waiting for the next tragedy to unfold. I don't know what I've done to deserve this life.