It has been a year and a half but losing my father didn't get easier

[febriana]

My father passed away mid 2021 after having brain surgery. He was diagnosed with brain tumor (glioblastoma). It was only around 2 months since he was first diagnosed until he passed. 

I have been having these complicated emotions. He was my best friend and he already taught me about preparing for parents death ever since I was so young, in middle school because after all, it's an important topic to think about and I needed to prepare myself. Still, it was the most difficult thing ever happened to me and I already went through neglects, toxic family, abuses etc. I also cut ties with my extended family because I find them toxic and I need peace in my life especially right now. 

Part of me felt relieved that he didn't have to feel the pain anymore, and he would have hated to worry other people, especially my step-mother. He passed away peacefully in his home.

But there was also anger, because he passed away in the height of covid. Hospitals in the region where he lived in my country were closed and reserved for covid patients. I just couldn't help but think that it was unfair. I did what I could to get him all of the cares and medications he needed, but it was difficult not to think that he was being abandoned.

About half a year after that, I moved to a new country in Europe and navigating through a new life has been challenging. I did my best to focus on my new life, but I found myself still grieving. Like it's the sadness that could last forever. I know he would have wanted me to be happy, but the sadness just doesn't seem to end.

This has been affecting the quality of my relationships where I have been more sensitive about things. But I also don't want to put a facade that I am alright, while in reality I am not entirely alright. I wouldn't really wish to "move on" because I don't think that's how it works with grief, but I want to at least channel my grief in a healthy way.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend and friends are sympathetic but I don't think they really understand. So far, I've been trying to sometimes write in my journal about it, and I reconnect to my old hobbies that my father and I share. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and it made me feel a bit better to get it off my chest already. 

[dparrill]

I lost my Mom 25 yrs ago and my Dad 4 yrs ago. I made the mistake of holding it all in and now its coming out. There are alot of hard days for me. I miss both of them very much. Ive done Grief Share 2x, Counciling and she claimed I had PTSD from all of this. I get so mad that they are gone ive gotten a punching bag but i just keep knocking it over. Ive tried Anger Management classes. There are days i just think this is the way this will always be.

[jj1992]

Im sorry for your loss ❤️ i really do hope that things get better soon x 

[febriana]

On 12/14/2022 at 10:55 PM, dparrill said:

I lost my Mom 25 yrs ago and my Dad 4 yrs ago. I made the mistake of holding it all in and now its coming out. There are alot of hard days for me. I miss both of them very much. Ive done Grief Share 2x, Counciling and she claimed I had PTSD from all of this. I get so mad that they are gone ive gotten a punching bag but i just keep knocking it over. Ive tried Anger Management classes. There are days i just think this is the way this will always be.

@dparrill sorry that you had through go that. My mother left me 28 years ago so I am basically also an orphan now. I think the emotions you're feeling is valid, and I understand that it can be difficult to control since you held it for a long time. 

There are times where I feel that things will probably stay the same too, though there are days where I can be more hopeful that mourning and leading a more peaceful life can go hand in hand. I am not sure, I don't know what will happen in the future though.

However, thanks for sharing your experience and I hope it will get easier for you. 

On 12/15/2022 at 1:36 AM, jj1992 said:

Im sorry for your loss ❤️ i really do hope that things get better soon x 

@jj1992 Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot ❤️

[Izzy B]

hey there, i'm sorry for your loss. on Feb. 5th, it will be 2 years since my dad passed away, and two days later would've been his 69th birthday... I'm turning 21 on Jan 9th and you're right, it's not getting any easier to deal with and it's even harder knowing from a young age that your hero, protector, mentor, and best friend isn't going to be there when you graduate from college, walk you down the aisle, or meet their grandchild named after him. I had hoped my dad would pass of old age, but COVID took him too soon. I couldn't say goodbye to him in person, couldn't hold his hand and it kills me everytime I think about it. I am actually jealous that you were able to move far away, getting away from your toxic "family" and starting fresh, I wish I could do the same but from what you are saying, it seems that wherever you go, the grief still follows. I am juggling school and work to help in the house (just me, mom and recently, her partner) and it helps to distract me but, these past few days, I haven't been in the right headspace. The thing about "moving on" or "time heals all wounds" is BS, it might never happen, but that's ok. It's ok to carry that grief, really, all we can do at this point is to live with it, that mourning, that feeling of loss is just proof that our dads were very important to us, and that they will NEVER be forgotten. We will always carry them with us, they will be there every step of the way. I also started journaling but I write letters to my dad, like "updating" him about what's going on in my life and just like when he was here in life, he is the ONLY person who truly knows how I feel. I hope that this helps you feel understood and take care...

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear Izzy B,

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, and for you being denied the right to be beside him. You're right when you say that time doesn't heal all wounds. I've found that time only allows us to get better with hiding the pain. I've found comfort in the Bible's promise of a resurrection here on earth. I look forward to seeing my parents and grandparents again on a paradise earth (Revelation 21:3,4) My studies of the Bible has helped me to see that God and his son, Jesus, understands my grief and will help me to get through it. God invites us to take hold of his hand, and he'll guide us through all trials. (Isaiah  41:10). May the God of comfort take hold of your and walk beside you during this difficult time.

[Peacebewithyou]

Valerie,

You gave wise counsel from the Bible.  My dad passed on January 23, 2023.  Even though I was by his side when he did, he was completely out of it, like in a deep sleep, prior to passing.  I did get a chance to talk to him a few weeks prior when he seemed completely "normal" and lucid.  I am leaning heavily on Jesus and his promises.  Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.  I don't know how people can get past the death of a parent or find meaning without faith?  

Every time I see a building I know there was a builder.  I didn't have to see the construction crew build the building.  Every time I see a painting, I know there was a painter.  Every time I see something designed, like a watch, I know there was a designer.  And every time I see creation, I know there is a creator.  It's really that simple for me.  

Blessed are you Lord God, King of the Universe, your faithfulness endures forever.  Grant all of us of have lost a parent "peace."  Peace in body, mind and spirit.  True peace that only you can give. Amen.

[a.erin]

On 12/30/2022 at 5:20 PM, Izzy B said:

 it's even harder knowing from a young age that your hero, protector, mentor, and best friend isn't going to be there when you graduate from college, walk you down the aisle, or meet their grandchild named after him. 

Man, is this relatable. I was so sad the day I graduated college. It was supposed to be a day to celebrate, but all I could think of was the void I felt from his absence. I kept wishing he would have been able to see me get my diploma and feeling cheated out of knowing that I was making him proud. I don't think it's ever easy losing someone you love, but losing a parent when you're young is especially hard. I think of all the versions of myself I'll be in my lifetime that he'll never know and feel so distant from him. I thought it would be one of the most important relationships of my life, and in a way it still will be, but it's no longer a two way street. It's a lifelong relationship that only I am a part of now, if that makes sense. I think it's a great idea that you're writing letters to your dad for this very reason. Even when they're gone, they don't fully leave us. I don't know how much better it can get either, but I'm hoping for you to find some sort of peace and are able to experience joy again soon ❤️

[a.erin]

I think what you're going through is totally reasonable. I know I get frustrated with myself at times (a lot of the time, if I'm being honest) for not functioning at the level I want to function at after a loss, but our loved ones are what makes life worth living, so I think sensitivity is completely warranted, no matter how long you have to feel it. I've thought a lot that I wish there was such a thing as "moving on," but our grief is proof that we loved them and that they were here. Thinking that brings me some comfort, cause it's the closest thing to meaning that I can find. I'm not sure if it's at all helpful to hear, but either way, I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope that you know you didn't abandon him, that there are some things that are just out of our control, even if it takes time to actually believe it. Wishing you comfort and relief ❤️ 

Edited February 15, 2023 by a.erin
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