Dying husband rage pushes me away

[Rmk]

Hi everyone, I’m new here. My husband is dying from squamous cell carcinoma in his head. I am the caretaker we’ve been dealing with this for two years. Now we’re dealing with the same issues due to loss of his capabilities. My husband has been very angry through this entire process and recently this has irrupt it in rage. The rage has become a constant daily companion lately. It’s become more directed at me. Today I finally went and checked into a hotel just to try and get some sleep and have some peace. Within an hour he showed up at the hotel, I guess he tracked me on my cell phone . He showed up raging at me for leaving. It seems that no matter what I say or do he rages at me. I reached a point where with everything else I just can’t take the constant rage. I feel like a really bad person for leaving him home alone, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to stay in the hotel very long. We have an old RV and I’m thinking about moving into it and going to a campground. Feeling like the worst wife ever. Is anybody else dealing with their dying partner raging at them please offer advice if you can. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Is there any family or friends you could stay with for awhile? Also how bad is the rage, like are you afraid he would become violent? If so, you might need to contact the police...either to protect yourself, or perhaps scare/shock him into pulling back, or both. It's not clear if his cancer is affecting his judgment physically or if he is just frustrated and outraged at the situation in general, but either way, it doesn't make it OK or that you should just take it. Also, if you don't feel he is violent, maybe it's time to simply not take it....get in a rage back at him and let him know you aren't going to be his punching bag. 

And beating yourself up about this is grossly unfair. You aren't the one flying off in a rage and while of course he is facing the hardest thing anyone can face, you are suffering terribly too...the loss of your spouse. To expect that you should just take all of this is NOT fair. 

 

 

[Rmk]

Hi thank you so very much for your encouragement.  I believe that you are correct.  Since writing this post I have been trying to get relief by establishing a few reasonable guidelines for caregiving.  One new guideline is no more yelling and cussing.  Another is that I no longer want to cancel my appointments because he doesn’t tell me when he has appointments and the times conflict. I asked that he not wake me in the morning because I have insomnia most nights and need to sleep in the morning.  A few other things.  Overall I am feeling less stress because I have asked for what I need.  Hopefully this will help long term.  I really appreciate your input.

[In shock]

Oh, wow, that is so much to deal with on top of the caregiving and all that goes with his illness and impending loss.   Rage is such a difficult 'emotion' to deal with.

 

It sounds like you have some good, workable ideas in place now,   I hope they work well for you.

 

Does his doctor know of this issue?  She/he might be able to offer ideas, advice, medication, recommend counseling or grief groups, or other suggestions.   

 

My sympathies for all that you are going through.

 

 

[Mike444]

I'm new here too. OMG. May I ask what his personality was "before". My Wife is also ill. I still can't bear to say anything else BUT "ill". I'm grieving badly. I've lost 40 pounds (what a way to lose it) and have developed insomnia. My Wife and I are soul mates. We've been together since we were 18. She was diagnosed this year with stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. The ONLY thing that keeps me sane is a journal I keep. I've left instructions for it to be immediately burned if something happens to me, it's beyond dark. Lately I've noticed everything has to be just "so", dishes, floors, bathrooms etc.... It's not that she's demanding, but she has changed. Of course I'm giving her the latitude to move through stages.....as I do. She, herself, was a registered CCA (Continuing Care Assistant) and devoted her life taking care of others, now, she's being taken care of.....I too am afraid her penchant for "neatness" might progress into anger. My heart aches for you and your situation. I'm not overly religious but believe in a stream of consciousness (if you will), having said that, God Bless you and yours.