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Beautiful story duodave!

As for all of us here a tender love story!

Take good care of yourself

Warm hugs Roxi

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I echo Roxanne's sentiments!  Thank you for sharing it with us.  I am so sorry for your loss and now the missing begins, trying to figure out how to live without her...that's the truly hard part.  (((hugs)))

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.


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I appreciate you telling your story...about your love for your beloved Erin. Your love story is so beautiful my friend! We are all blessed to hear it. Very sorrowful of why we are meeting you....very sorry for your loss of Erin....But, glad you found us. You will make it through this...you really will. It may not seem like it now...but you will be ok. I lost my beloved JoAnn of 23 years nearly 4 months ago on Aug 11. And the Lord has blessed me so much to find these wonderful people here that understand grief and it's effects so well. You will be helped immensely through these very hard times...the hardest....but you will make it through it. I want you to know that I just prayed for you to the Lord, for peace and strength. God bless!!

Your friend in Ohio,


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Dear Duodave 

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet love. It's hard I know. I lost the love of my life of 37 years almost a year ago to COVID-19. He was completely healthy and had never been to the hospital except to go and die. What caught me about your story was " time will tell" rely on the time because it will dull the edges of your pain. I will be lifting you up in prayer take care of yourself

Blessings Lost7 

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I went to Ohio over the Thanksgiving weekend and I've been home since Monday. Seeing family was helpful. But since I've been home, the house is so quiet. Over the past year I was in autopilot - I would get up, go to the hospital, spend the day with Erin. It was, in fact, draining. But little did I know that not having that regular day-to-day would in fact, be worse. 

Now, I get up, feed the dog and the cat. Then - what? Watch TV. Check Facebook. Play a mobile game. Think about doing something productive. Don't do the thing I probably should do. Oh yeah, I guess I should eat. There is that. Why is the house so quiet? Why did I buy a computer keyboard that's so quiet? I hate the quiet now. 

I don't hear Erin watching a show on her phone. I don't hear the brakes on her wheelchair. I don't hear... oh I don't know. The quiet is the worst. Now I know how Poe felt when he wrote the tell-tale heart. 

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On 11/30/2022 at 10:30 PM, duodave said:

[...] So I have I answered what love is? [...]

No, of course you haven't...but only because "love" is different for everyone. You cannot answer it for anyone else.

But. You have answered it, for how love is for you. ❤️ 🙂 ❤️.

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21 hours ago, duodave said:

The quiet is the worst.

Welcome.  I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful Erin.  It likely doesn't seem like it right now, but what a gift you gave each other.  Unconditional acceptance and love is rare, it is precious, and when we lose it, it is devastating.  Your story is very touching for all of us here.  We understand, truly.

I thought I understood the oxymoron "deafening silence," but until the day I came home from the hospital alone, forever alone, I never knew how true it is or how it would feel.  I keep the TV or music on almost all the time now, even though it's more than 4 years later.  But it's not just the silence, is it?  It's the stillness.  Where once we had a home, I now live in a house.  I am learning ways to make this place we were so proud to finally be able to buy, into a home again.  It's a slow process and many of my husband John's things are still here.  Maybe they always will be.

On 11/30/2022 at 7:30 PM, duodave said:

So I have I answered what love is?

You have, for you, which leads me to my next thought.  The members here have much in common.  We've all lost the loves of our lives.  Yet we are also unique, as our loves, lives, and stories are unique.  Because of this, our grief journeys are unique.  I often write that we walk our own paths, but on the same road together.  Some of us are further along, some like you are just starting.  Yet we recognize each other by the pain we know that cannot be expressed in the words of any language known to man.  Love is what all of mankind strives to find, but few are lucky enough to know it on the cell-deep level that we here have found.  That is indeed the risk we take, but even knowing I'd be where I am now, I would still jump in with my whole heart.  My John was worth it; he was worth everything.  It's clear your Erin was worth that risk too.

For now, while your grief and loss is so new and raw, all you can do is what you are doing.  Believe me, I know all about "I should do XYZ," but not being able to face it or, more often, simply not caring if I do it or not.  It's very common and not unexpected at all.  The cliche of "one day at a time" is a cliche because it is true.  It's important that you do focus on self care as much as you can because you have a dog and cat who are relying on you to help them through this time.  Let them help you too.  Let them love you and comfort you. 

I have found much help and comfort from the members here.  I hope being here helps you too.

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