Story of my stillborn

[meggieleigh]

My son was stillborn the day before his due date. I went for my last check up and as they were doing the ultrasound they could not find his heartbeat. I instantly knew at that moment before they even told me that he was gone. I did my best to hold it together. I called my mom and broke down crying.  She came to get me to take me to the hospital. We sat for a few hours as they got everything ready for me to deliver him. I knew he was gone and I had to push him but all I kept thinking about was my mom and how I felt like I failed   I tried so hard to deal with contractions and the pain of everything because I felt like I deserved to go through the physical pain for "allowing" this to happen. (I do know this is not my fault). I got an epidural. I cried with my mom and partner. I cried with my children as they didn't know what was going on with mommy and baby. I pushed him.  I held him. I cried. Then I just laid there still in disbelief that this happened. This happened to me 6 years ago. I think about him daily. I did alot of praying and thinking. I had depression for a while. I think about him often and replay that day in my head.  I cry a lot but I also look at what became of that. Taking a tragedy and turning it around. In my case, allowing it to open my eyes. Allowing me to see things differently and appreciate what I have more. To anyone that may read this I want you to know you can get through it. You just have to find the way to do so. Talk about it, counseling, support groups. There are many different ways to help yourself. But to me the biggest way I helped myself was allowing myself to grieve. My way. There is no time limit on grief .there is no timeline. Grief may never end but it may move forward.