Anticipatory Grief

[RachelandPie]

A routine dental check has turned into some of the worst weeks of my life. We noticed a week prior Sky our cat was having difficulty eating. She wasn't eating quite as much and when she did she'd push her food to one side of her mouth, she would drop food and make quite a mess around her bowl. I checked her teeth and her gums were swollen and inflamed so I booked a dental check with our local vet for that same week.

My partner took her to her appointment where the vet checked her over and said they could book her in for a dental clean and possible removal of some bothersome teeth. Nothing else was noticed, but given her age of 13.5 years my partner pushed for a blood test incase there were any other medical issues that could pose a risk under anesthetic. We put her on a soft food diet, mashing up her food to make it easier for her to eat, but she wasn't eating very much. On the following Monday I had a call from our Vet, her liver Enzymes were exceptionally high and pointed towards liver failure. Over the next few days she barely ate, she avoided our company, slept most of the day and appeared very depressed and distant. She didn't come for cuddles any more before bed, infact she barely looked at us even when we called her name. Her deterioration was dramatic. We booked her in for a Ultrasound scan and further tests, there was no sign of tumors that they could see and no sign of pacreatitis but jaundice was becoming more prevelent in her ears and on her belly. He said cancer couldn't be ruled out.

She was immediately put on a course of antibiotics, prednicare (steroids) and Destolit to help with any inflammation and possible gallstone obstruction. She was eating a bit more, small amounts, but eating. Two weeks later she went for a second blood test, some of her levels had stabilised and others weren't detected which we were told could indicate that the levels were so high they weren't picked up. She had also developed some anemia which the vet said could be a sign of internal bleeding. I couldn't understand why the blood results weren't showing any improvement, she was eating better, her appetite returning, she was becoming more social again, she gives me cuddles, she still sleeps a lot, but shes always been quite a low energy cat. Anemia... internal bleeding why was there no mention of the side effects of the steroids and antibiotics. I feel like I'm either in such denial I'm not seeing the true extent of her discomfort or that I'm being given the worst possible scenarios without the information being fully broken down for me. Do I hope, or do I need to prepare to say goodbye?

She has been referred to a specialist, our consultation is on Monday and I cant help but feel responsible for her illness. I have very little information other than blood tests and basic ultrasound scans, but they are still not sure of the extent of the damage or cause. How long has she been ill and I never picked up on it, have I been feeding her wrong, has she been consuming something toxic slowly over time - I catch her eating plants and she throws them up not long after. I try my best to keep them out of reach or stop it when I see her doing it. Could it be some household chemical I've been using for months? Maybe I didn't wipe the surface down well enough and she walked through it. Had I been slowly poisoning her? I can't cope with this guilt and worry. She's been doing so well the last few days, eating more, more loving, but I cant get passed the thoughts that I'm going to lose her and it's all my fault.

I need some clear answers, but I feel so guilty at how I'm putting her through the stress of these vet visits and medications. I want her to get better and as much as it pains me I would never forgive myself if I didn't have all the information and it turned out she could be saved. I will find out more on Monday, but it feels forever away. I can barely eat, sleep or do any daily tasks. My focus is her and making sure she eats enough and takes her medication. Right now I am sat beside her as she sleeps constantly making sure shes breathing ok and doesn't deteriorate. I barely leave the house, unless it's for her or I have to go to work. I feel sick to my stomache from the moment I wake to the moment I finally fall asleep. All I want is to curl up into a ball and hide, but she needs me.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for all you are going through, you sound like a very responsible and caring pet owner!  That's my take on it.  My 25 1/2 year old Kitty was euthanized nearly four years ago, she had kidney and liver failure and they said there was nothing could be done.  We go through the what ifs when we can't handle the outcome and are looking for some other possible solution, even when it's too late...I went through that when my husband died 17 1/2 years ago, and also when my Arlie, soulmate in a dog, died (cancer).  We are hardest on ourselves and feel responsible for everything that happens even if we didn't know, couldn't possibly see what was going on, let alone treat/manage it!  My heart goes out to you.  I will post our story of living with his cancer diagnosis two month ten days...anticipatory grief...in the hopes you'll know someone else gets it and understands.  It was a very hard and yet very special time with him.

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html