I hurt so much I feel nothing ~

[Deborah_M]

I'm new here and not sure how to go about posting this.  I lost my eldest son in Sept, 2022. At the time I found out my son had died, I was in the hospital with my husband that would die two weeks later.  My heart was broken that night for my son, Christian and then two weeks later what was left was destroyed by losing my soulmate.  I'm dealing with the immediate events of lawyers and funeral homes and all that goes along with that.  

My son died in Florida,(I still do not have closure, it's complicated) we had not spoken for some time over something that should not have been an issue, but I am glad that one year before his death we reached out to each other again. I feel nothing!  I think I have put up a wall around me that won't allow me to acknowledge he is gone.  Is this normal?

I hope I put this in the correct forum

[KayC]

I am so sorry, @Deborah_M I don't usually go in this forum because I haven't experienced loss of child other than 3 miscarriages, but I saw you had another post so looked it up.  I am so sorry for this loss as well.  What a lot you are going through!  

Yes, I'd have to say pretty much anything/everything is "normal" in grief.  There is no one way to respond, merely our way.  We do what we can to protect ourselves, but we can't put it off forever, it will haunt us and hunt us down, seriously.  Someone from my other site did this for 20 years with his fiance, and one day it hit him, hard!  By then he was married with kids and I'm sure they wondered what in the world!  

I highly recommend getting grief counseling, also grief support group, I led some before Covid, being 70 I'm not a tech savvy and live in the mountains so no zoom....

Grief specialist
Grief Support
Grief Support Groups
Grief Support Online: An Invitation

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Hi deborah,

I lost my 18 year old daughter almost 5 years ago (dec 21 2017). I also just lost my husband june 6 2022. 

I have been posting in "loss of an adult child" since my daughter died. I tried the loss of spouse page also. 

I think the wall is normal. It is so hard to accept this is our new life. Here it is, thanksgiving, and I know I should be grateful for my 9 year old, he is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, but I feel the absence of my husband and daughter so much. My son and I are sitting in a Dennys right now, just trying to be.

On the "loss of an adult child" page, I know there is another lady who also lost her husband and then her son. So while all of our circumstance are different, we understand where you are coming from and there is not judgement, you can say exactly how you feel and it is a comfort to know others understand and we are not crazy.

Hang in there!

[April Ballou]

@Deborah_M I am so sorry for your loss.  Although I have never lost a child, I have lost a husband.   There are so many family members that are gone.  My grandparents,  my mother, aunts, uncles, cousins,  and a brother.  But my husband was the hardest.   Between God and this website I survived.   I couldn't have made it without them.  Especially God.  This forum and many others on this website will help you.