Life without her.

[PetsAlways]

Hi all,

For the past eight years, my sister and I have been raising and caring for our beautiful chicken, Margaret. We had her from one week old, and she has been with us from our late teens to our late twenties.

Following quite a few vet visits over the last few months, my sister and I were actively managing her various health conditions. However, despite the vet's belief that Margaret would recover from her last bout of illness, to everyone's shock, she passed away on 17 November. The night before, my sister and I gave her cuddles and kisses and told her that we loved her.

Whilst I know that she lived an incredibly long and fulfilling life (most chickens only live about two years without ongoing veterinary interventions), and that she made her decision, I just can't fathom what has occurred.

On the day of her passing, I was truly inconsolable. But now I feel numb. I feel like I am just waiting for her to come home. She was my life, and a constant joy in what has been a fairly traumatic few years.

I do not like the emptiness I feel, nor the time ahead of me without her. I would have spent the rest of my life (and all my money) just caring for her. 

I feel scared of the void in my life now. Everything I did or pursued in life was underpinned by the notion that I was doing it for her. The money I earned was for her, the time I spent doing things I enjoyed was simply buoyed up by the fact she was also living her best life alongside us, and the motivation to move further in my career and with my house renovations was made all the more worthwhile knowing that she was a constant presence in my life.

I do not like the new found time on my hands, nor the fact that I have more money in my bank account. I would give anything, absolutely anything, to have more time with her.

Everything feels numb, and my emotions are muted. I know that I'm stuck in a kind of limbo between her death and the adjustment of living life without her. But I also don't want to move forward in time, because all I have are memories now.

There is such a long passage of time till I will see her again. I love her with all my heart, and am absolutely devastated.

I have my dog, Stuart, by my side. He also loved Margaret. And I know I need to be there for him, but I'm so tired now. I also don't get much support from my parents when pets die. They are of the notion that pets aren't as important as people, but they are wrong!

Margaret was my little girl and my best friend. Together with my sister, we were a tight little unit. Margaret was part of our identity, and now we are lost.

I'm just not sure what to do now. I will love her forever and ever. There is a quote from The Green Mile that says: 'I dreamed of you. You were wandering in the dark, and so was I. And we found each other. We found each other in the dark.'

I'll always dream of her. Always.

Thanks for reading, and I hope my post resonates with some people.

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss of Margaret...I'm hoping it is of consolation we will be together again.  However long they live, it's never enough.  I lost my husband 17 1/2 years ago, suddenly, way too young, my life isn't the same since.  I lost my Arlie over 3 years ago (my Husky/Golden Retriever), I miss him still.  I don't think there's a way to prepare for any of this.  Just keep looking for something good in each day, no matter how small it seems, try not to compare today with yesterday, comparisons devalue, try to find good in any season.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

 

[PetsAlways]

@KayC

Thank you for being so quick to respond to my post.

When I think of my future, I just don't know how I'll adjust to her absence. She was everything. Holidays, money, work - it all revolved around Margaret, and I was so happy with that. She was my purpose, and tied everything in my life together.

There is a poem titled, 'Separation', by W.S. Merwin, which I often think of at the moment:

'Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its colour'.

How does this get better? I'm so lost. I just want to sleep, so I don't have to deal with the ache in my heart. I haven't eaten properly in days, and my weight has dropped significantly.

Margaret was the constant thread in my life. She was there through everything.

By way of background, I have been dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder ever since exiting an abusive relationship. She existed before my trauma, helped me through it, and was there during the most recent months of my recovery. Even when I doubted myself, she was there, and it didn't matter how long my recovery was going to take, because she was my reward at the end of the day. Whether she was with me, or my sister, we were so strongly bonded.

How does one go on when their soulmate of an animal is no longer with them?

I can see that there is a lot of strength in this community, and I hope to get other responses to my messages.

[PetsAlways]

By way of an update, Margaret's vet just gave us a call to assist with our grieving.

She informed us that she believes that nothing could have really been done to prevent what occurred.

Margaret's vital signs were all really good the night before she passed, and so the vet truly believed that she would have walked into the clinic that next morning and Margaret would have been up and about. Instead, Margaret was looking 'miserable', yet was in no pain and was nevertheless comfortable.

The vet had never seen an isa brown (chicken breed) like Margaret reach over eight years of age, and so it looks like, Margaret simply succumbed to her old age. 

The vet said that we gave her every opportunity a chicken could hope for, and I truly take comfort in the fact that she lived a truly fulfilling life.

However, it doesn't make the adjustment to life without her any easier. I will miss her forever, and will love her even longer than that.

 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, PetsAlways said:

I have been dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder ever since exiting an abusive relationship.

Been there...a lifetime ago.  It was hell, I didn't think I'd ever get out alive.  I had to leave my dog but asked for him in the divorce, I had the AKC papers, he sold him out from under me, the people came to my office wanting the papers, I would have turned them down but she was cooking liver for the dog, loved him already, how can you say no.  He got the chickens and pigeons as well, the house, car, furniture, everything.  I left with my clothes, no time for anything, it was scary.

6 hours ago, PetsAlways said:

How does one go on when their soulmate of an animal is no longer with them?

This is what I had to learn when I lost Arlie, over three years ago.  I got him after my 3rd husband and our dog died.  I called him my soulmate in a dog, he was perfect for me, so loyal, sweet, gentle, and goofy!  His smile drew me.  He is buried in my back yard.  I remember being tempted to dig him up so I could see his sweet face one more time, but I didn't, I knew better.  Instead I painted rocks for his grave.

You go on, one day at a time, crying, empty, hurting, and little by little, so slight as to seem imperceptible, your heart begins to heal to something a little more manageable, it's there, you learn to carry your grief, just like when my husband died, you carry your grief inside of you as you look for the small joys in life now that your big one is gone...

I wrote this ten years after my husband died, I hope something in it will be of help to you.  The same things apply, whether person or animal.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[PetsAlways]

@KayC

Your messages of support truly mean a lot.

Last night, my sister and I sat down and tried to remember all the times we had spent with Margaret. At first, it was quite daunting, as we were worried that we would feel like we didn't spend enough time with her.

But as I believe you've said before, feelings aren't facts, and our discussion soon evolved to looking fondly upon our vast memories together over the last eight years.

It is certainly comforting to know that it is our love that will bind us to her moving forward. I have heard somewhere that 'grief is just love with nowhere to go'. So I believe that you are right in saying that grief does not end, but it does evolve to where it becomes more manageable, yet still encompasses all the love you have for them.

Every morning that I have woken up since her passing, I have felt physically ill in my stomach, and today is no different. Part of me wants to stay in this limbo as it is a strong physical reminder of my loss and keeps me tied to the time when she was alive, but I know that it is unsustainable for my body.

I'm still really shaken, and cannot imagine myself feeling any better in the future. There is so much life to live still, and I'm still scared about being without her. But I will read your message again about the little steps to take in the meantime.

 It seems like you have been through a lot in your life, and your strength and wealth of knowledge is truly admirable.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, PetsAlways said:

'grief is just love with nowhere to go'.

Yep, have heard this many times.  But I think they know..

14 hours ago, PetsAlways said:

I know that it is unsustainable for my body.

Yes.

Yeah, I've gotten wise in my old age, just when I live alone and need it least!  Ha!  Such is the ironies of life.

[PetsAlways]

I miss you, Margaret. 🪶🌸

 

[foreverhis]

On 11/20/2022 at 10:15 PM, PetsAlways said:

How does one go on when their soulmate of an animal is no longer with them?

I can see that there is a lot of strength in this community, and I hope to get other responses to my messages.

Welcome.  I am sorry you find yourself here, but I promise it is a good place to be.  Read, write, ask questions, tell us more if you feel up to it, rant, and even "scream" if that helps.  We do not judge or tell you what you should or shouldn't feel, think, or do.  Every member here understands in ways others do not or cannot.

The answer to your question is a cliche, but it's also true:  We get through it one day at a time.  In the beginning, sometimes one hour or even one minute at a time.  We breathe in and out, knowing our lives will never be the same.  But this grief does not stay the same.  Over time (months and even years), it evolves as we learn to carry it with us rather than it crushing us under its weight.  We find our way forward, little by little, until we no longer feel only the pain of loss, but also the grace and joy of the love and life we were blessed to share. 

It's hard.  I won't sugarcoat it.  But it does happen.  Being here helped me take those first small steps forward after my wonderful husband died.  I take comfort some days in our faith that the Rainbow Bridge exists (though no doubt not how we envision it) and that our two most special animal companions (my soul dog Charlie and his soul cat Penny) were waiting to welcome him in joyous reunion.  I hope and have faith that when it's my time, they all three will be waiting for me with loving hearts and open arms (and paws).

You and Margaret were so lucky to have each other.  It's obvious that you made sure she had the very best of care.  The love you shared is still there, but the form has changed for now.

[PetsAlways]

I'll love you. Always. 🐔💜 

[KayC]

Oh how apropos. 

[PetsAlways]

'I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.' - E.E. Cummings 

 

[KayC]

I have a similar one my sister gave me "And When I go" up on the wall since my husband passed years ago.

Beautiful poem, thank you for sharing.