loss of estranged parent

[avant guarded]

my father passed this july

we have always had a stressful relationship.

in my teens there were years that passed where I chose to limit or cease contact. good decision. I grew. 

early twenties was for sparse contact at my jurisdiction. There was still pain and annoyance and clashing of personalities. often it felt out of obligation. but there were visits that felt normal and happy. still rocky.

there was an event that closed me off for awhile once again.

I'm in my mid twenties now. I have a life partner, my own apartment, reasonable job and much more confidence to defend  myself against narcissists. I felt myself WANTING to close that gap. 

 

there is a call, it's important; we actually talk. he has a diagnosis and everytime we speak after that the predicted time is lessened.

 

I go to see him and he passes that day,

he was on hospice. we didn't get to talk. I don't know if he knows I was there.

 

I am carrying a backpack full of what ifs and why didn't now.

 

 

 

[Luminescense]

I'm sorry for your loss. 

It's hard to stay close with a narcissistic parent...if all they do is abuse you whether it's physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. etc. then it's awfully difficult to even try. You probably gave it your all for a time and at one point, it was that last straw.

Allow yourself to go through the motions. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is: relief, guilt, lack of closure, etc. I have no doubt that you did whatever you could and when you could. You won't ever get that closure you wanted, a lot of people don't ever get that, "I'm sorry I hurt you," or, "Why I did this was because..." and you hope for this grand explanation that finally makes sense, but with narcissists or other abusive parents, this rarely gets to happen. 

My husband lost his own narcissistic father last week (we were on no contact terms with his father), but he's having a lot of the "relief he can't come abuse me," but also the, "Why's?" and, "What if's?" He's also incredibly upset at some family members, too, right now so it's been rough on him emotionally. 

There's probably nothing you could've done all that differently. The fact you showed up to the hospice center at all is quite brave. A lot of kids of narcissistic parents won't even go when their parents are on their death bed for a fear of that "one last charade before they let the grand curtain go."