Lost My Wife

[MichaelR]

I'm new to the forum.  I lost my wife about three weeks ago to an aggressive form of cancer.   She was diagnosed about two years ago, and with incredible spirit and will, she subjected herself to every chemotherapy cycle and every treatment offered to her, tolerating with grace and courage, the range of often harsh side effects.    While I knew the seriousness of her condition, somehow I thought (or hoped) we'd have just a little more time together.   I am devastated by her passing.   We have no children.  It has always beem just the two of us, sharing everything in our lives together. 

 Susan was my life partner and soulmate for forty-six years, and now my world has profoundly changed.    The first couple of weeks I have been numb and somewhat disoriented.   I think there may be some disconnect between my mind and my heart.  In my mind I know what has happened, but the rest of me is, I think, half expecting that this is only temporary and that she will be back.   Moments when I have the thought that she will not be coming back,  I find intolerable .. .just overwhelming.   

 These past weeks I have had to take care of some legal matters involving changing ownership titles from joint names to just my name.  I don't WANT to remove her name from anything, but have had to.  At least these tasks have given me some focus to distract just a bit from my thousand other  thoughts that I am having trouble handling.   

I feel like I am simple surviving from one day to the next.   Sometimes in the evening I calm down a little - I think because I'm tired, and a glass of wine has helped a little.   But the next day and each and every morning for the past weeks, I have awakened  far too early, only to recall once again, that she is not here,  and that I'm facing another day without her   Some days I have moments of panic.   What will my life be like now, without her.   Do I actually want a life without her?

 I have never experienced anything as hard and right now, I just can't think beyond how I will get through tomorrow. 

Thank you to this forum and its contributors.  It has helped a little just writing these few words.

[Robert D.]

MichaelR

Friend.....I prayed for you to the Lord before I finished reading your post. I am so sorry for your incredible loss of your beloved wife. I am at 3 months this very day. My beloved wife of 23 years passed on August 11, 2022. I came to this sight not long after and have received immense help...understanding and compassion from the people...the only people...who really understand the depths of sorrow that you are now going through. There is simply nothing like what you are going through....and the grief and despair in early grief are beyond description....I am really sorrow my new friend...for what you are suffering. Your beloved was/is a fighter....and she obviously loved/loves you very, very much!! 

 

You will find in here people who 'really' understand....and will be here to comfort you. The issues of finding a purpose to live...how unbearablely hard things are to do etc ,..how they will be in these early weeks...to do things...are what is called in here the 'fog'.. Everyone of us have it,...to some degree or another. But i can truly tell you Michael....and this is at exactly the 3 month mark today for me ...that you will...WILL get through this. You won't know why now...this early for you....but, you will make it through this. We have people in here that are suffering this indescribable loss that you are...for weeks now, or months, like me,...some for years...or decades. You WILL get through this.

Please continue to share as you are able....but there is no pressure whatsoever. And, without any doubt....others in here will either comment or respond to your suffering and pain...., which all of them are going through. You made it friend, to the right place. You will find continuing support and comfort here.

God bless!! And I am truly sorry for this immense suffering and lonliness....and your missing the wonderful lady who you desperately love!!

Your friend,

Robert

[MichaelR]

Robert, thank you so much !   Your words are a comfort.

[KayC]

@MichaelR  I am so sorry you are also going through this....it's been 17 1/2 years since I lost my husband, he was barely 51, died on Father's Day.  It was a shock.  Everything you said is what I went through, feeling the same things...

Cancer is one insidious monster, I've watched my friend going through it for 1 1/2 years, chemo, she's tackling with Keto now and it's shrunk her tumor, when said and done she'll likely have surgery.  Sometimes the treatment is even worse, so very harsh!  She doesn't ever want to go through this again.  I thank God she has her husband, but he had Covid long haulers at the same time, fortunately they had kids come and take care of them.  

You talk about being in a disconnect, getting by just tackling the things you have to, legal matters.  They help somewhat, even though we hate having to remove their name from our account, etc. I look back and wonder how I got through that time, I guess on autopilot. Then I lost my job and had to look for work, had to commute a long ways.  Somehow we get through, one day at a time.  Sometimes I'd think the whole rest of my life (at that time about 40 years) and it'd send me into a panic, so back to one day at a time, that I can do, today, tomorrow get up and do it all over again, it's how I've lived the last 17 1/2 years.

I wish you well on this journey, it's unknown at this time, but I have a feeling you'll make it, it's just so hard, esp. in the earlier years.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[MichaelR]

Thank you SO much KayC.   Your thoughts and prayers are really appreciated.   (My heart says YES! to the quote at the bottom of your post)

[DWS]

20 hours ago, MichaelR said:

The first couple of weeks I have been numb and somewhat disoriented.   I think there may be some disconnect between my mind and my heart.  In my mind I know what has happened, but the rest of me is, I think, half expecting that this is only temporary and that she will be back.   Moments when I have the thought that she will not be coming back,  I find intolerable .. .just overwhelming.   

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Those two previous years must have been such an emotional rollercoaster for both of you. The disconnect that you mention is so common but oh so strange as well. It's as if our usual brilliant minds get totally overtaken by the shock and the grief. It's definitely the reason why therapists suggest we limit any driving. I like to think it's natures loving way of shielding us from the overwhelmingness of the reality of the loss...a way to ease us into eventual acceptance. I'm now eight months in since my partner passed away suddenly in his sleep and I still wonder if I have full acceptance as weird as that sounds. 

[MichaelR]

DWS, thank you.  It helps a bit knowing others experience this, too.  Right now  think I'm not even close to acceptance.  I really appreciate your thoughts.

[KayC]

Also, this is a good article when the person you cared for dies.

Caregiving after it ends

[Lost7]

MichaelR 

I am truly sorry for the loss of your soulmate. I lost my soulmate to COVID 10 months ago. Please come back here often as you feel you can. So many on this site has helped me. They are compassionate people. I will be lifting you up in prayer 

Lost7 

[MichaelR]

Lost7, thank you so much for your note.   I am so sorry for your loss.   Yes, the compassion and understanding of people in this forum are so evident to me.  Thank you for your encouragement to come back, and again for your note and prayer.    So appreciated.

KayC,  thank you for this link.  I've had a quick look at the article and list of other resources.  These look very helpful.  I will definitely take some time for reading and reflecting on these.  At the moment I can't even begin to express the depth and range of feelings I am now experiencing.   But I can say that when I think about caregiving, what was absolutely the hardest for me was seeing my loved soulmate suffer so much, yet with courage and resolve and spirit.  I think (at least I hope and I pray) that she always, always, felt my complete love and support for her.   

Thank you, again

        

[Ronni_W]

19 minutes ago, MichaelR said:

[...]  I think (at least I hope and I pray) that she always, always, felt my complete love and support for her.   [...]

MichaelR, my heartfelt condolences.

This (the part of yours that I quoted above) is the part with which I, also, struggle. I hope and I pray and I wish and I hope and I pray that he always felt (knew and experienced) my complete love and support for what he decided and chose. (My circumstances of his death are not the same as your circumstances of her death, so my thought-words are different, but my hopes and prayers are exactly the same.) I think -- or, at least, would really, really like to think that they did always, always feel our complete love and support. Yes? But I do also know that sometimes we can get ourselves to doubt it, or to wonder about it. But. They did know and they did always feel it...right?

Sending you all of the comfort, strength and healing that will help.   Ronni

[KMkm]

I too lost my wife to a rare type of cancer.  She was 36 and diagnosed then two months later she was gone.  I understand a little about what you are going through and I really hate that others have to feel the emptiness as well.  The pain is unbearable amd at times the reason for existing is blurred.  Please find solace in that our loved ones are at peace and we are left to shoulder the pain and not them.  I miss my wife so much and it's been just over 11 months.  I tell people that I hurt jist the same but I deal with it better and I get through the day just the same but I'm accustomed to feeling like this.  You will get through this with help from others, inner strength and whatever you need at any instance of time.  Go easy on yourself and it takes a long time to heal.  Stay strong my friend.

[Ronni_W]

I recently had an 'Akashic reading', and, apparently, my loved one wasn't so at peace right as soon after his passing. But, I was assured and reassured, is getting the help for the healing that he needs -- so, I do try to gain some solace from that. We can find solace in these types of sentiments...but it all does depend on our personal beliefs and philosophies that we hold in the first place...or that we come to, after some more seeking and questing and following our own inner 'promptings' or impulses. For me, yes, I do find my strength in an acceptance/belief that there are 'higher' dimensions and realms.

[MichaelR]

KMkm,  thank you so much for your note.  I'm very sorry for your loss and everything you have been experiencing.   I am definitely there, experiencing all you have described.  It's helpful to get your perspective from 11 months later, because I've had times over the past weeks, and still have times, when I'm not sure I CAN get through this.   Thank you again for your good wishes, and you take care, too.

[JeromyN]

Unfortunately, I totally understand what you are going through as I lost my wife 2 weeks ago. She was absolutely the best of us and I am feeling every bit of what you described. My wife, Linda, was blind and yet was an amazing teacher for children with vision impairments. She completed her Masters degree in May and was diagnosed with cancer 2 days later. Unfortunately, her cancer mutated and spread so quickly there wasn't anything that could be done. We have been married for 23 years, together almost 25 years. We have 4 children and I have to stay strong for them, and it's so difficult when I can barely stay strong for myself.

I try to spend my days doing the same things you do, paperwork, bills, transferring ownership of items, etc. And generally during the day I am okay, it's at night where I have my problem. I can't sleep, when I do I am plagued by nightmares. Just feeling like eating has been a challenge. I have absolutely no clue how to cope with this. It's not even a day at a time right now, it's literally moment to moment.

I wish there was something I could say that could help even a little. But, being in the same boat, there really isn't anything that even remotely takes away the pain. Not that I have heard yet anyway.

The only thing that has helped me in the smallest of ways is that my wife and I have a firm belief in God. And if anyone deserved that glorious trip to heaven, it was her. And I do believe that one day, I will see her again! 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, MichaelR said:

KayC,  thank you for this link.  I've had a quick look at the article and list of other resources.  These look very helpful.  I will definitely take some time for reading and reflecting on these.

I experienced that with my sister (she died 3/28/22), we were always closed, lived in the same town, talked about everything (everyday), she was disabled and got dementia, I took care of her.  Her dying was a shock, although I guess it shouldn't have been considering her health.  She ate all wrong.  I cooked for her but she'd eat goodies and was diabetic.  She never took her blood sugar.  I fought to get her a doctor after she didn't go for a year, finally got her regular care and she up and dies!  It leaves a void in you, like, "What now?!"  And who do you tell everything to when the person that you cared about is gone!  She was there all my life!

4 hours ago, JeromyN said:

I lost my wife 2 weeks ago.

I am so sorry for your loss!  I lost my husband five days after his 51st birthday, it was a shock!  Father's Day 2005.  I used to cry, now it's all on the inside.   But I have learned to carry my grief inside of me.  Few people are around that knew him.  Even people younger than him are now gone.  So sad, the world lost a good man, I miss him every day.

4 hours ago, JeromyN said:

I do believe that one day, I will see her again! 

Yes!  And I'm glad you have that hope and belief, because sometimes we need it to carry us.

Are all your kids still at home?  Teenagers?  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[JeromyN]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Are all your kids still at home?  Teenagers?

Our kids are all adults now. The 2 girls will be 23 next year, 1 that turned 21 in Sept, and our youngest that turned 20 in Sept. The 3 oldest are in college. Our youngest still really doesn't know what he wants to do. 3 of the 4 also got the same eye condition (aniridia) my wife had and are blind. But, they got the same drive she had and are going to follow their dreams and passions.

[KayC]

That is so good to know (her drive)!  Is your youngest still home with you?  

My daughter moved home temporarily when George died, to be with me, it was a blessing, but she began to be away more and more until...she was gone.

[JeromyN]

Both of our sons still live at home as does one of our Daughters. She moved home to help take care of her mom while still going to nursing school. One of our sons did all his pre-grad stuff from home as he decided to not move until things were settled and will be headed to grad school in the spring.

 

[sunseeker247]

Hi everyone my name is Alec and this is the first attempt I have made to talk about the loss of my beautiful wife, who lost her battle with a very aggressive cancer on 4th July 2022 it was,  and always will be the worst day of my life.  When diagnosed the prognosis was 9 - 12 months and my darling wife was committed to fighting it all the way, so I thought ok we would spend the next few months doing whatever she wanted to do and go to places she longed to go to, but unfortunately she could only fight for 3 and a half months and for 6 weeks of that my darling wife was hospitalised so we didn’t get to do the things we wanted. We were married for 43 years and we’re childhood sweethearts and we both thought we would have a long and happy life together, which I know in many ways we did, thank goodness, but it was cut far to short and even now and after 4 months I am devastated and don’t know what to do with myself I miss her so much, I hurts my heart every day and I still have emotional moments every day too, I don’t know how to carry on without her my life has a massive void in it, I miss her in my life every day, I heard all the promises that things will get easier but for me at this moment I can see no end to my heartache.

We are blessed with 2 beautiful daughters and 3 beautiful granddaughters and they have been so good to me and I know my wife would be so very proud of them, as am I. But as great as that is, it doesn’t replace the love of my life, my best friend and soulmate, we were made for each other and we both believed that. When you are with someone everyday for over 43 years, yes everyday, we never had a day apart, that is something that cannot be replaced and I find it so difficult to motivate myself to do anything because we always did everything together and now I no longer have that, she was the light of my life and I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m hoping it will get easier, as I’m even finding it very difficult to socialise with anyone still, even close family, I have read stories that this can be quite normal for some people, but that doesn’t really help. 

Alec.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, Alec @sunseeker247.  Yes, it is the hardest thing in the world, and someone who hasn't suffered this can't begin to imagine what it's like.  It helps to come here where others get it and you're not alone in how you're feeling.  While we're all unique in how we do our grief journey, there's similarities too.  So I do hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post.  

This is for you, and when you go to your profile and click on activity, you can come to your first post and read you and others responses here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

[Sparky1]

First of all Alec, my deepest condolences on the loss of your wife. I have tears in my eyes reading your story as it is almost identical to what my wife went through. She had a very, very rare cancer and was also told she had 9 to 12 months. She only made it a month and a half after the diagnosis. We were only together 18 years but she was my life, and we wanted to grow old together, now my life is empty without her. I hope you can also find comfort being among us that know what it feels like to lose the love of our lives.

[KayC]

And how brave of her to face the cancer head on, it is so sad that all the chemo, etc. it didn't help.  I'm just so sorry.  And to you also, @Sparky1.

[April Ballou]

@sunseeker247 Alec, my name is April.  I am so very sorry to hear about your wife.  I understand the way you feel.  I lost my husband Darrell in 2020.  We were married 38 years.   I still miss him everyday.   I never thought that I would be spending the rest of my life alone.  Yes we had 2 wonderful children together,  but they are married with jobs and children of their own.  This forum will help you, it has me.  We all have suffered a loss.  You can read posts, you can put whatever is on your mind here.  Noone will say anything.   I will keep you in my prayers.

[sunseeker247]

On 11/14/2022 at 11:59 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss, Alec @sunseeker247.  Yes, it is the hardest thing in the world, and someone who hasn't suffered this can't begin to imagine what it's like.  It helps to come here where others get it and you're not alone in how you're feeling.  While we're all unique in how we do our grief journey, there's similarities too.  So I do hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post.  

This is for you, and when you go to your profile and click on activity, you can come to your first post and read you and others responses here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

Hello KC 

Thank you for your kind words, it does mean a lot, although at this moment in time It doesn’t change anything for me, I know everything you say makes sense, but I currently can’t get past feeling the way I do, I miss my wife so much my heart really aches every day because I cannot, see, hear, hug, hold, caress, kiss, care for her, support her, and we can’t watch tv together, go on holiday together, visit family and friends together, go for a walk together, go out for a meal and a drink together, go shopping together, all the things we take for granted that we believed would always happen, because we believed we would always be there for each other and that we would grow old together, and now that has all been taken away buy the hideous disease ‘ C’ I can’t even say the word, I’m so bloody angry, and have so many questions, but no answers and I know I will never get any.

But most of all I feel so upset for my lovely beautiful caring wife, that she had to go through what she did, I’m just so glad that she is now at peace, because at the end she wasn’t fully here and I hated seeing her like that, she was such a loving caring person she didn’t deserve that and I’m so bloody angry. I’m getting to upset now. 
Thank you again. 

[steveb1]

Michael, I’m so very sorry for your loss.  Your words described the same thing that I went through.  I know it doesn’t feel like  it now,, but your pain will subside over time.  Simply focus on yourself and the tasks that you absolutely have to do.  The folks on this forum are wonderful and “get it”.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

God bless, steve

[KayC]

Michael, I totally understand your anger.  Men esp. are more comfortable with anger sometimes than tears, it all feels beyond their control...because it is.  We get that, been there!

Anger stage
Anger at God
Anger & Jealousy in Grief

It seems it takes time to get through this, but know we are thinking of you in a caring way as you go through it. 

[DougH]

On 11/11/2022 at 4:36 PM, MichaelR said:

 

I'm new to the forum.  I lost my wife about three weeks ago to an aggressive form of cancer.   She was diagnosed about two years ago, and with incredible spirit and will, she subjected herself to every chemotherapy cycle and every treatment offered to her, tolerating with grace and courage, the range of often harsh side effects.    While I knew the seriousness of her condition, somehow I thought (or hoped) we'd have just a little more time together.   I am devastated by her passing.   We have no children.  It has always beem just the two of us, sharing everything in our lives together. 

 Susan was my life partner and soulmate for forty-six years, and now my world has profoundly changed.    The first couple of weeks I have been numb and somewhat disoriented.   I think there may be some disconnect between my mind and my heart.  In my mind I know what has happened, but the rest of me is, I think, half expecting that this is only temporary and that she will be back.   Moments when I have the thought that she will not be coming back,  I find intolerable .. .just overwhelming.   

 These past weeks I have had to take care of some legal matters involving changing ownership titles from joint names to just my name.  I don't WANT to remove her name from anything, but have had to.  At least these tasks have given me some focus to distract just a bit from my thousand other  thoughts that I am having trouble handling.   

I feel like I am simple surviving from one day to the next.   Sometimes in the evening I calm down a little - I think because I'm tired, and a glass of wine has helped a little.   But the next day and each and every morning for the past weeks, I have awakened  far too early, only to recall once again, that she is not here,  and that I'm facing another day without her   Some days I have moments of panic.   What will my life be like now, without her.   Do I actually want a life without her?

 I have never experienced anything as hard and right now, I just can't think beyond how I will get through tomorrow. 

Thank you to this forum and its contributors.  It has helped a little just writing these few words.

Yes I relate 60 yrs a partner, lover, and the person I shared every thought with. My wife also fast lung cancer. Xmas eve diagnosed 2021 passed on 5 4 2022. I was her care giver. I would like to talk to you more later. My name is Doug, but I am tired now. We lost all of our children also so now all I have is my pup and my great gdchildern. It hasn't got better but everyone is different and everyone's grief stages vary so damn much. Hoping to talk later, I do have a lot of insight.  Ty. Doug 

 

[MichaelR]

I am so sorry for your loss, Doug. Yes, it sounds like me have much in common.

[April Ballou]

@DougH so sorry for your loss.  You found a great forum.   We will listen.  We know what it is like losing a spouse.   Feel free to read posts and comment if you like.  It's sad that you have to be here.  But it will help you.  This forum has helped me.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, DougH said:

60 yrs a partner, lover, and the person I shared every thought with.

Wow, 60 years together, that's amazing, a whole lifetime, and you've lost your children too?!  Wow, that's a lot to survive.   I'm glad you have your gr-grands and puppy.  I a great away from you, only grandchildren but still have my kids, although none live nearby and not a lot of contact, they're always busy working.  Live in snow country, in the mountains, winters and summers are harsh, had fires and smoke this summer, three months of air quality up to 1600s, it was horrid so enjoying this cold November.  Learned to take one day at a time when my husband died 17 1/2 years ago, doing it still.  My son found a puppy for me three years ago, conceived when my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, died, born on my birthday and his name popped into my head when I saw pictures/video of him....my son brought him, threw down the tag/collar and paperwork and guess what his name was!  He's my little buddy now, always with me, have him registered as a service dog.  The best to you, @DougH

[Lost7]

@DougH 

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is overwhelming and very heartbreaking. I'm glad you found this forum of wonderful caring people who  have all lost  soulmates. I know that that does not make it easier for your journey. But at least you know you're not alone and we understand the agonizing pain you are going through. Please continue to come here and read post which have helped me a lot and right when you feel like it You're not alone in this I'm afraid to tell you. I will pray for you.

Blessings Lost7 

[Lost7]

Dear Alec 

I lost my husband of 37 years to covid-19. You and your wonderful wife sound a lot like me and my husband we were joined at the hip. We were so in love and happy to be together all the time. He was only 54 years old when he passed on January 5th 2022. Your loss is still very new and raw of course you are having all kind of terrible emotions hitting you all the time. I will say that with a little time the hurt and grief does dull around the edges you'll learn to start living with a grief it never goes away. Everyone on this site is so wonderful and understand what you are going through. I pray that you will continue to come here and write what you feel you need to write and read  posts of so many sweet people who have lost our loved ones.. It has helped me I pray that it will help you too.

Blessings Lost7 

[sunseeker247]

6 hours ago, Lost7 said:

Dear Alec 

I lost my husband of 37 years to covid-19. You and your wonderful wife sound a lot like me and my husband we were joined at the hip. We were so in love and happy to be together all the time. He was only 54 years old when he passed on January 5th 2022. Your loss is still very new and raw of course you are having all kind of terrible emotions hitting you all the time. I will say that with a little time the hurt and grief does dull around the edges you'll learn to start living with a grief it never goes away. Everyone on this site is so wonderful and understand what you are going through. I pray that you will continue to come here and write what you feel you need to write and read  posts of so many sweet people who have lost our loved ones.. It has helped me I pray that it will help you too.

Blessings Lost7 

Hello Lost7

Thank you for your kind message and I am sorry for your loss and yes it does sound like our stories are much alike, which pains me for you as I obviously know what I am going through, and I’m just so sorry that anyone else has to go through this too. We to spent all our time together outside of work and that’s how we loved it, we really did think we would be together forever, and I’m so angry that our time was cut so short as I’m sure you fell the same, I’m still finding it hard to comprehend, my life has been ripped apart, and I can see no end to the pain I feel inside, time so far has done nothing to heal my pain, and I really don’t think it will anytime soon, and with Christmas fast approaching I’m at a loss,  I have 2 lovely daughters and 3 beautiful granddaughters and I don’t want to be miserable around them and ruin their Christmas, there will be no Christmas at our house this year, I have arranged with my eldest daughter for Christmas to be at theirs this year, where up to now it has always been at ours we loved doing Christmas for the family, I did the house up like a grotto for the kids, but I just can’t do it this year, next year maybe, who knows, the good thing is, I have mastered the art of being ok when I am with them, but internally I’m still being ripped apart, as everything I do beit on my own or with my family, my lovely wife is always on my mind thinking that this isn’t right, she should be here with us, and knowing that she never will be again hurts me deep inside but I know I have to hold back the tears and put a brave face on it all for them.

It is great to come on hear and get my feelings out, as unfortunately I feel I have no one to talk too about how I fell, so I’m finding this a good release for me, and I know this all might be a bit selfish as I know there are many people on here in the same situation and I really do feel for you all, I know it is just the hardest thing to go through and talk about and I thank you all for being here.

[KayC]

And I'm glad you find that release here.

[Lost7]

Dear Alec 

You are not selfish at all! Glad that you have a place that you can express how you feel. I understand trying to hold a brave face for your children I try the same but it doesn't always work for me. And as far as Christmas yeah my house was always decorated every room I don't know that I can even do that this year My husband loved it so much. I know it doesn't feel like time passing is going to help at all but I promise you hang tight come on here read other people's stories post how you feel no matter how you feel we all understand. I will be lifting you up in prayer.

Blessings Lost7