Anniversary of my ex husband's death

[RosieKC]

Good morning, This week is a year of loss of my ex husband. I have three adult children. They have been doing well during this year. I want to send them a card to let them know I am thinking of them. I am also having a lot of emotions about him. We had been separated for 15 years, but I'm still really hurting and don't know who to talk to. I need advice if I should send a note or not? 

[Ronni_W]

RosieKC,

For me, about my ex-husband. Our 'Decree Nisi' is dated in 2001 -- more than twenty years ago. And/but/also. He was over here with me yesterday -- literally yesterday - 22 October 2022 -- helping me with both practical and emotional stuff. Meaning, in my mind, that even though our marital relationship did not work out, we still love each other (these days, in a platonic way), and we still do desire to support, encourage and inspire each other, in really exactly the same ways as before we met, got married, and got divorced.

For your children. (My ex and I do not have any biological children, so this is just how I'm feeling it right now...) Instead of sending a note or card, how do you feel about trying an in-person or a 'real time' conversation with any or all of your children with whom you feel comfortable, confident and close enough to do a 'real-time' conversation (whether 'Zoom' or 'telephone' or whatever other type of technology/social media app allows it?)

I guess...yes, it may require some "personal courage" on your part -- I don't know because I don't have biological children, and I also don't know any of your personal and unique dynamics that you have with any of your children. But...if you think about just 'phoning' to let them know that you are also 'feeling something' on this anniversary (even though, 'technically/legally' you were 'divorced' from their Dad), then, how does it feel for you, to do that?     (For me, I'd say to follow that, rather than what you may think-believe-feel any 'technical-legal' status "requires" or "forces" you to do.)

I'm sorry that your ex died. I'd feel really shitty and at a loss, if mine did.   Ronni

[RosieKC]

Thank you Ronni, 

I appreciate your suggestion about an inn-person or zoom call. I am close to my chldren, but my daughter has gotten mad at me for bringing up the topic. I want to support the three of them without making them uncomfortable. I will try to reach them and see how it goes.  Your sharing has help me very much.

RosieKC

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, RosieKC.

If I may offer further. My mom passed away more recently. My brother is more like your daughter, in that he also presents "getting mad at me" when I start any meaningful conversation about our mom, or, for that matter, about death in general.     I am also sensitive to his own feelings, sense and ability/capacity to cope with all of it. So, with your this daughter...like I do with my brother. I tread lightly and, if/when I sense even his tiniest bit of 'discomfort', just change the subject. With your other children, for any who can handle more, then be/do/say more.

Thank you, also, for taking the time to let me know that I may have helped. Your doing that means a lot to me.     Love, hugs, strength and comfort, Ronni