Loss of Grandmother & Beloved Uncle

[Anonymously]

I lost my grandmother and my beloved uncle within two weeks of each other. I've  never been very good with emotions and processing them, but I am drowning in this horrible constant pain I feel every single day. My grandmother went into the hospital for a chest infection and she never came back out. This was during Covid so the hospital had strict visitation rules. I had not seen her in over 3 months because of the restrictions but the doctors had said she was getting better. About three days later I received a call from my mother to rush to the hospital, and I made it just in time to watch her die. I am haunted by watching her take her last breath and hearing her heart stop. I am so angry with the doctors and the hospital, they didn't take care of her enough. They fought us on everything. She went into that hospital and never saw her grandkids again and I don't know if she even wanted me there. Her funeral was a blur, I was, am, still so angry. I should have called her more, seen her more, been a better granddaughter. I cannot look at her pictures, or go in her house. I don't know what to do anymore, every time I close my eyes I watch her die. 

My uncle passed from advanced dementia, it attacked his body. He wasn't just an uncle to me, but a father. My dad tried but he was never very affectionate ever. My uncle was there when I was born, every birthday, every Christmas. We all knew it was going to happen but we were still reeling from my grandmothers death and we were blind sighted. I held his hand, said my goodbyes but I wasn't his grandchild, and I felt it inappropriate to sob in front of my cousins, his grandchildren. I was asked to be a Paul bearer, I accepted. I carried his body and it felt like I was dying. As soon as we put his body in the grave I had to leave, I went and sat in my car and sobbed for an hour.

I carry a picture of him and my grandmother in my wallet but I don't know what to do, how to process anything. All i do is cry in my room when I know no one is listening and continue on with my day.  Maybe I am selfish for sharing this here but I am not very good with this stuff so I hope I didn't trigger anyone else. 

Thanks. 

[Emily1999]

I am so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say you are not selfish, and you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story and grief, I have only joined today and this is the first post I've seen. I lost my grandma and stepfather just over a year apart back in 2019/20 and today was a bad day. I have found the grief does not diminish, but life does grow around it, as impossible as that feels right now. Cry and process in your own way and time. I encourage you to keep talking about it, people are hear to listen x